Just when I thought this season was kinda getting boring and was wondering where all the excitement was going to come from since Chris Soules doesn’t seem to want to take the girls overseas, or maybe the lack of travel was a budget issue for ABC and The Bachelorwe learned you don’t have to travel 3,000 miles away to find drama and dysfunction. It’s almost like the producers kept the first four weeks as ho-hum as possible so this past Monday’s episode would seem extra, extra shocking.

Four incredible things happened.

  1. A girl who was let go in week 2 came back to prove she could stay sober.
  2. A widow trying to move on with her life showed she’s really nowhere near moving on.
  3. A girl had a meltdown panic attack.
  4. The most awkward and weird date in Bachelor history happened.
  5. A girl lied to Chris and is proving to be a total fake.

Did I say “four” things? I guess I meant five things, and I do realize the same girl (Kelsey, The Widow) was two of the things. Let’s get right to it.

Off to Sante Fe, NM they went because that’s as close to going to a foreign country this season is going to go. And for one of the girls, it was good enough and she thought New Mexico was a foreign country. But for the rest of us, it wasn’t that exciting, so luckily the girls did their part.

Let’s start with the first 1-on-1 which brought Chris and The Cruise Ship Singer (aka Carly) to some hippy love-guru lady who made them do all the most uncomfortable things that made them both embarrassed and actually made me embarrassed, too. I remember this old show on HBO called Real Sex (maybe it’s still a show, I don’t know) and when I was younger I was like, hey, any show with the word “sex” in the title must be good. But then week after week, they just delved into weird things that were not erotic or hot in any way. Like I watched an episode about a woman who could only be intimate if she had a cigarette in her mouth. Another episode was about adults who get off dressing and being treated like babies. And maybe I could’ve got behind it if at some point I would’ve seen the woman smoking and having sex, or two grown-ups in diapers and sucking on a bottle having sex, but actual “sex” never took place in the majority of episodes.

That’s what this date was like. It was all this close-up breathing and gentle touching, and “breathing each other in”, and all this “appreciate the moment and be aware of your intimacy” and that must only work for people who are totally inhibited and shy. And even then, they’ll come away with a bizarre sense of what’s erotic. I can’t dated many women in my life, but at no point will you pick up an erotic novel like housewives like to read and find a scene like this.

But it might’ve been used on the right girl, because it got Carly the Cruise Ship Singer to open up a bit about herself and she was in a relationship with a guy who never wanted to have sex. First, this might’ve only meant he was gay. Second, it might’ve been a sign he was cheating. Or, third, it might be because Carly is sort of awkward and unsure of herself – at least that’s the vibe I’m picking up. She said something like, because of this guy not lusting after her she has a hard time feeling like she’s sexy and beautiful. Can I be Dr. Ruth for a minute? It won’t be Chris and it won’t be a man who will fix her and make her feel sexy. It has to start with her feeling good about herself.

When Carly can be, look, and feel sexy on her own, only then will she be desired in the way she wants. She kisses timidly. I also think she might be the type that thinks, oh, when I get married, then I’ll be happy. And maybe he’ll truly love me. And after that it will be, oh, when we have children together, he and I will be closer. And on and on it will go. Oh, only if we can take a vacation, we’ll reconnect. Oh, if only we had more couples as friends. Or, only if they could move closer to his parents.

No. No. No. It’s not easy, but she can’t find herself in someone else. She’s going to become more and more needy if he keeps her around.

Then came the group date which included everyone but Britt. The group date was white water rafting which I think is something you’d be wise not to Google “white water rafting” at work. Trust me. It’s not fair that common phrases all mean something pornographic, nowadays. Like if you say to someone, “I made myself a twice baked potato,” for all you know that’s some deviant sexual act.

OK. In this case, they actually went rafting on a river. Nothing all too interesting happened except that we learned Jade suffers from premature hypothermia. Is that a thing? Is she a lizard? No …girl gets cold because she has zero body fat and is a vegetarian. Mix in some salt and bread.

Which brings up a question. How did I miss Jade all season and only notice her last week. She’s stunning. And if you Google her name, you’ll see her bikini and lingerie modeling shots. Very nice.

The most memorable part of the group date was when Jordan came back. She got drunk alot, I guess in the first two episodes. How does it happen that she could know where the show would be and she could go into stalker mode and chase down Chris and beg for another chance? How would she possibly know where they were going to be?And, she actually seemed pretty drunk on Monday’s episode. But I guess she needed a drink to calm her nerves before pulling off a stunt like that. And then she said, “sometimes drinking still gets the best of me. I’m not going to lie.”

Chris sent her drunkass home.

But what happened next was really the whole show.

Britt got the next 1-on-1 and it said something about, “let’s hit new heights,” and Britt freaked out about her complete debilitating fear of heights. Like, tears in her eyes freaking out. Yet, somehow when she saw the hot air balloon, she managed to overcome her fears. LIAR!!! Of all the things a person could do who had a fear of heights, a hot air balloon ride would be the most scary thing possible. It’s like someone who had a fear of snakes not wanting to go to a snake exhibit but then, when they realized they would actually be holding a snake, oh, well, nevermind. That’s way less scary.

So that was lie #1. Then, we learned she’s very candid back at the mansion about not really wanting kids and not understanding why women want that, but with Chris …she says she wants a hundred kids. Britt is 100% an opportunist. This is her “launching pad”, or so she thinks. She’s the “girl who doesn’t shower” and the “girl who gives out hugs in L.A.” and the “girl who wears make-up to bed.” She’s on this show for one reason …to get picked for some other reality show on some other network and we’re all supposed to be falling in love with her quirks.

Makes …me …so …mad. Sullying this show about love and romance.

But finally, we come to the payoff, and thy name is Kelsey the Widow. Oh, do you sometimes read my blogs about The Bachelor and cringe a little when I can’t remember girls names and simply remember them by their unique quality or story (ala Cruise Ship Singer, Virgin Kim Kardashian, or Kaitlyn the Canadian)? Well, she’s a widow and that’s her story, and as we learned, “she loves her story.” She tracked down Chris to talk with him about her story and for a minute I thought, yes, good idea. Just in case Chris thinks she might be a little hard to read, it’s probably good to say, hey, I’m grieving a little and be patient with me. But instead, she used it like a brag, and then she used talking about her dead husband as a turn on (for her). She went from telling this horribly sad story to smashing face with Chris and he had his eyes open, looking at the camera as if asking, what did she just say, what is happening, and this is weird, right?

Yes, Chris, it was very weird, and Chris didn’t even see the most bizarre part. He didn’t see the part where she acted like telling him about her dead husband was like answering a tough question at a beauty pageant. She said, “I love my story,” and, “there’s no way I’m going home, now.” It was both semi-manipulative and semi-insane, but every part of it pointed to a girl who wasn’t truly done grieving and shouldn’t be on this show on national TV. I would love to see an interview with her parents, or her sister, or her former in-laws. We’d ask, what did you think when Kelsey told you she was going on The Bachelor? And they’d all probably say, we tried to talk her out of it. It’s been a very tough year, and she definitely needed to do something, but we never expected that something would be submitting an audition tape, taking a temporary leave of absence from her teaching career, and going on The Bachelor. Um, we thought a nice cruise or walk across Europe would help clear her mind.

She’s been among my favorites since the beginning, but she spun out of control in a heartbeat. One minute she’s going to tell him her story, the next minute she’s making out through tears, and then she’s high-fiving herself for having the best, most heart-breaking story which she thinks makes her a front-runner, to obnoxiously taunting the other girls about how she’s not going home, and then falling on the ground hyperventilating to end the show. Was that a panic attack? Was that a year or more worth of grief and sadness and denial bursting forth? Did it take the whackiness of this show to loose the raw emotion? That’s exactly what I think is going on. This was the meltdown and the breakdown she probably never had because she never really talked about it and now, here she is …on TV.

Wow.

I don’t think she’s sinister or phony, I think she’s simply not done grieving …or we saw her just starting to grieve.

And that was the week. Wow. It took my breath away. Poor, poor Kelsey the Widow.

I’m going to feel awfully duped if she does turn out to be a fake and if “I love my story” means she’s completely full of shit and isn’t a widow at all.

OK. Thanks for reading. See you next week.

Follow me on Twitter @donkowalewski.

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