Oh, about ten years ago if you’d asked me what I’d be doing with my life when I got into my 40s, I’d have punched you square in the face if you would’ve suggested that on any given night I might be watching four or five hours of a reality dating show. And if that had happened, I’d be apologizing to you right now for punching you in the face and probably telling you, ya know what, that sounds a little like heaven. That’s what we have this week – heaven on earth in the way of a glowing HD TV screen and skanks (actually, I like this current crop of girls) walking around Arlington, Iowa and feeling sorry for the locals. Oh …I mean, except they could tooooootally see themselves living there.

Ahem. Did I say your town sucked?

I owe everyone an apology – due to a demanding schedule in my non-blogging life, I never finished my The Bachelor recap of last week and never made fun of The Widow Kelsey for her phony freak-out anxiety attack or pitied her for grieving on national TV. If time permits, this week, I’ll get to that. But let’s just all agree …the two-on-one date that watched Chris Soules say good-bye to Virgin Kim Kardashian and The Widow Kelsey, was about as good as The Bachelor has ever been.

Picking up right where he left off, Chris Soules just kept swinging that axe. Last week it was Virgin Kim Kardashian (aka Ashley) and Widow Kelsey (With the Great Story) that was the bloodbath, and early into Sunday night’s episode he bid farewell to Dimwitted Blonde (aka Megan).

If you’re keeping score, a week ago Monday night he doubled up and booted two girls off the show and then opened the show this week by sitting down with Megan and explaining, nope, it ain’t working. All to be followed two hours later with kicking fake Britt to the cub.

Lucky for all of us, after the double date disaster last week, and the Megan thing to start the show, he asked Chris Harrison to cancel the rose ceremony. Which was great because we got a full two hours to watch Britt bury herself and for Cruise Ship Carly to further disparage Britt.

Phew. Let’s go to Iowa. Yes, Britt. You, too. Do you know what I.O.W.A. stands for? Idiots Out Walking Around. And how fitting was it as the bimbo bachelorettes all got to see the metropolis that is Alrington, Iowa.

So of to Iowa they all went. Touching down and starting with Des Moines which, for the most part, is just a regular old city with a downtown and high-rises, nice $$$ restaurants, probably some suburbs and I’ll bet a few school districts where kids learn reading and evolution, so it wasn’t the extreme culture shock – except for Cruise Ship Carley who was surprised that Iowa wasn’t, in fact, a state made up entirely of farm fields.

Amusing foreshadowing moment – when No-Shower Wears-Make-Up-to-Bed Britt was warning everyone about being honest with themselves about living in a small town. Oh, Britt. This really was a game show to you, wasn’t it.

Jade got the first one-on-one date. Jade was the only girl invited to see the dilapidated downtown Arlington. Now, I have no doubt that just down the highway, or up the highway, there’s a mall area with Applebee’s and a Dick’s Sporting Goods where they sell Iowa Hawkeyes gear and the fact that this little downtown area never really attracted tourists doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a hopeless, desolate wasteland. I mean, hey, there was a high school football game and there were people there. So, there is a neighborhood or two, somewhere. Nice try, ABC. Show me a football field and a school unable to field a football team, and I’ll buy the full narrative. I get it. This country is full of small towns with one or fewer traffic signals. But we also know what killed that town – Home Depot, Applebee’s, Best Buy, Michael’s, and Hobby Lobby. It ain’t like Arlington has a factory that closed that sent 1,000s of jobs elsewhere. Nope. It’s a small farm town and it’s still populated by farmers and people who run businesses that support farms. So John Deere didn’t put an authorized dealership in downtown Arlington. I bet you can drive a short distance and buy one. And maybe Merle’s Hardware had to close down. As evidenced by the two guys doing a home improvement project, they bought lumber, somewhere.

What I’m saying is this – living in Arlington would suck compared to Chicago or L.A., but I bet it wouldn’t suck as bad as we’re being led to believe. Arlington has seen better days. That’s obvious. But I betcha everyone moved out of Arlington to someplace, so just go live in that place. Being married to Chris and living in Iowa won’t be all bad, of that I can assure you.

Back to Jade and her one-on-one. She almost told him she posed nude in Playboy, but chickened out. You wouldn’t think a girl who posed nude wouldn’t be embarrassed about much. They smashed face in the hallway of his old high-school. She met his parents in the bleachers of the hometown football game. Aw, shucks’all’mighty, it was just wonderful and folksy and charming. Um, yes …breaking out your centerfold spread (yes, I know she wasn’t a centerfold) would kinda ruin the moment. This was the moment in the show where we, the home viewer, realized Jade is an opportunist and this is nothing more than a publicity stunt for her. But, we’d have to wait an entire 24 hours before she finally came clean to Chris and he saw through her. But for what Jade wanted, and what she wanted to fool Chris into thinking, and getting closer to being the next Bachelorette and getting on next summer’s Bachelor in Paradise and into the alumni group …she’s made it exactly as far as she wanted.

No. Jade left her small town life and went to L.A. to model and party in the Playboy mansion and sleep with the drummer from Linkin Park. I’m guessing at that, but I’m betting she slept with somebody in a modern rock band that was invited to the mansion.

We’ll save more “Jade” related commentary for tomorrow’s Part 2 recap of this two-day, four-hour Bachelor event (five hours if you count the pre-show Chris on Chris interview).

Sunday night really belonged to Cruise Ship Carly and No-Shower Britt. Carly spent her time trashing Britt, and Britt spent her time acting like a spoiled, rich girl – which I’m guessing is her background. I’ll just bet the reason she can live in L.A. and not have a job and hug everyone all day, and sleep in makeup, is because someone (ie parents) have money and are funding their little special angel.

I don’t usually like tattle tales, but, really, it’s probably a good thing to tell Chris how fake she is. She tells him to his face she wants kids and is charmed by Arlington, but with the girls, she says the complete opposite. I don’t know what her motivation was for being on this show, but I hope she had fun. She might’ve survived one more week, even, but when she awkwardly threw a temper tantrum in front of Chris and the girls when Chris gave Canadian Kaitlyn the group-date rose, it was her doom. I think Chris is a pretty patient guy, but to be called on the carpet and belittled over an aspect of the show he doesn’t really control, well, Britt needed to just deal with it. She’s not the type of girl who can “deal with things”, so eventually, when she interrupted the rose ceremony to try and save herself, it became obvious to Chris that his future full time job would be “keeping Britt happy” and the farm would suffer.

Baby Maker (aka Whitney) got the next one-on-one date (remember, I’m talking Sunday and not Chris’s trip to Chicago which happens on Monday and will be talked about in my Part 2 recap) and I totally fell in love with her. Whitney is an orphan. It’s so sad. But she hasn’t used that fact as fuel for his sympathy, so far. She just sorta had to reveal it when it was looking like she’d be taking him to her home town. Whitney is a really nice girl. Not too pretty. Not ugly. Kinda has an annoying voice, but, he, we’re not all James Earl Jones. She’s. Just. Normal. Whitney got to meet Chris’s dude friends while on her one-on-one date. His friends were pretty down-to-earthy. She’s down-to-earthy. Chris’s buddies grilled her about moving to Iowa and leaving her career in Chicago. She gave a good answer about not having hesitations about moving, but it had to be love. Good answer. Unlike Cruise Ship Carly.

Talk about a girl who’s not “normal” and very insecure, in sharp contrast to Whitney, is Cruise Ship Carly who thought the fact a Jesus picture in Chris’s church was the same Jesus picture her parents had …she thought it was a sign. So desperate  was she, she couldn’t even be honest with herself that living in the middle of Iowa might be a culture shock. It’s OK, Carly. You can say it would be a tough adjustment. Because it would. But to act as if this was your lifelong dream and what you pictured life like when you were a little girl is a lie. A lie to yourself. By the very fact you sing on a cruiseship, maybe because you didn’t get any parts on Broadway or never had the guts to move to L.A. or New York, shows you sort of adjust your dreams on the fly. She eventually didn’t get a rose and wondered aloud, why? Why won’t someone love her? Why? Because Cruise Ship Carly needs to first learn to love herself.

Sunday’s episode really felt like a therapy session. And in the end, Britt and Carly were shown the door and it was exactly the right girls that needed to go. Which is really weird for The Bachelor, because usually in the top-4 and even into the top-3 there’s someone we all hate. And with the final four of Jade, Whitney, Kaitlyn, and Becca, there isn’t anyone to hate. Now it’s just matching up the right normal girl who’d move to Iowa and leave their life, family, jobs, and the world behind and spend the rest of their lives living among 1,000 people with the nearest “big city” (ie Des Moines) about 3 hours away. It’s tough.

That was Sunday. It was great. Tomorrow we’ll talk about Monday. OK? (Yes, I realize some of this recap spilled into Monday, but Sunday night they left us with a cliffhanger).

Who’s your favorite? Did anyone reading like Britt or Carly?

Thanks for reading. See you tomorrow.

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