Chris Harrison opened last week’s Women Tell All by claiming this season’s The Bachelor was the most shocking and talked about season, ever. I want graphs and charts to prove that. Did they measure it by Tweets and Facebook activity? Random polling at malls?
The “women tell all” episode always starts with the bachelor and Chris Harrison visiting Bachelor watching-parties, which always makes me sad because every week I make appetizers and finger-foods and bring them to the spunkybean headquarters and EJ, Myndi, and all our interns never want to stay around so I sit there, by myself, eating salty foods. If Chris and Chris had only showed up …sigh.
The musical accompaniment for his viewing-party invasions was the Beetlejuice score, which I have to assume is symbolic of someone being “dead inside” to be on or watching this show. Either way, I get it, but I don’t like when the TV show I’m watching is judging me – which is the whole reason I stopped watching The People’s Court, because so what if I borrowed my neighbors snow-blower and never gave it back. Shut it, Wapner.
At the parties, Chris and Chris did shots with the girls (who screamed like Justin Bieber had just walked in …which I assume is the loudest current measurable girl-scream possible …or does a One Direction girl-scream rank ahead of a Beiber scream …can the research and data firm that tracks the “most talked about season” get me some stats?) and hugged alot and sat awkwardly on couches. Again, I could’ve been just as awkward if they had crashed my viewing party.
OK. Enough filler.
A montage looking back on the season remindws us Ashley S. was crazy and Virgin Kim Kardashian is the least virginal virgin that ever lived. And that Britt (The Girl Who Hugs and Goes to Sleep in Full Make-Up) is a big faker and liar.
Cruise Ship Carly had the best side interviews and she was pretty bold about her dislike for Britt. Britt, for some reason, felt she and Carly were friends which just shows how clueless and self-absorbed Britt is – she just thinks everyone loves her. She’s full of herself. She’s also a little broken. Britt is what I call a “Oh That’s So Funny” girl. Meaning, she doesn’t actually laugh when something’s funny, but instead she will say, “oh my gosh, that’s so funny.” These type girls think they know when something’s funny, but they just don’t get it, or aren’t happy. They tell stories where they say, “it was seriously the funniest thing ever,” and, “we were dying laughing,” but you look at these girls and think, that’s not even that funny or it doesn’t sound funny and can’t imagine anyone laughing or being amused, let alone it being “the funniest thing ever?” Unless that thing is Guy on a Buffalo, it ain’t the funniest thing ever.
In stark contrast, Canadian Kaitlyn laughs at funny things and is funny, herself.
Britt doesn’t make people laugh. She also claimed she would live in Arlington, even though she said to some girls she never could – so she was in full damage control while up on the hot-seat. Britt is also the girl who will always blurt out what’s on her mind – which is the truth – and then thinks about what she should’ve said, and will back pedal. Enough about her, but it’s enough to say she isn’t going to get her wish and will not be the next Bachelorette, I’m pretty sure. And if she does get picked, I won’t be watching.
Next on the awkward-chopping block – Kelsea the Widow. She of “isn’t my story amazing?” fame. And her highlight reel was capped off by the girls popping champagne on the night she got the boot. Oh, ahem, we were popping champagne for something else. You’d think Kelsea might’ve blame the editing or apologize about something, but noooooo …she blamed the girls’ small minds and inability to follow her “big words”, which is condescending in itself. But everyone wanted to trash he. rOne of the girls asked, “if you’re still grieving, why did you put yourself on this show?” And that’s the question I have. Shame on ABC, actually, for bringing her on. Then again, I liked her at first and maybe her audition video was charming and sweet, but she has issues.
Then came Ashley S. who might be crazy, or might be acting crazy. But Chris Harrison asked her, personally, to be on Bachelor in Paradise. And even with that, she seemed completely out of it and unaware that she was just asked to extend her brand and 15-minutes of fame. I think she’s actually crazy. Wow.
Then came Jade, if you recall, who was our Playboy Playmate who had pornographic (mild, mind you …it’s Playboy, not Penthouse) videos that ruined relationships in the past. How could that possibly ruin a relationship? She’s totally dating the wrong guys. 80% of dudes in this country would happily and proudly dated a Playboy Playmate. Heck, I think even Chris might be OK dating her, but I’m going to side with him on this one. For a girl whose family calls a “wild mustang” and who has lived in L.A. while doing nude modeling, there’s not a chance she’s ever going to be happy forever back in small-town Iowa. I’ll bet she was hurt when he rejected her – I’ll bet is happened often in her life, but she’s no stranger to the spotlight and cameras. The eventual dismissal shouldn’t have wrecked her emotionally like she let on – she’s a Playmate, not a Playmate of the Month. Just sayin’.
Also, something I noticed and a few readers have texted, emailed, and Tweeted at me …Jade looked really bad. Reader J.M. is convinced she’s on drugs or fresh off a bender. Thoughts?
Finally, it was Chris’s turn to sit on the hot seat and confront the girls. Britt changed completely and went into final-audition mode for the Bachelorette and everyone started demanding couch time with Chris – as if they couldn’t ask their questions from the chairs across the way.
The awkward moments came when he had to look at Kaitlyn and Jade and tell them why and how he made his decision, but without really being able to explain, fully.
But, in the end, the Women Tell All confirmed that, tonight, we’re down to the best choices – for Chris. I would’ve gone with Jade, but I wouldn’t be on this show to truly find a wife …I’d be there just to have some fun and, hello …date a Playboy Bunny and hang with Hef. Oh, and I’d want to get onto Bachelor in Paradise, of course.
But Chris …and Whitney and Becca. Tonight I think we have about the most committed and innocent final three I can remember. And supposedly there’s a big surprise, but I’m not one for spoilers, so don’t tell me.
Look my #Bachelor Tweets at @spunkybean. See you, soon. Thanks for reading. A full breakdown of the season and my opinion on Chris’s choice will be along later this week.