For many years, I used my weekly The Bachelor column not just as episode recaps, but as dating advice. I opined that all relationships, all personality types, and all dating pitfalls were represented on this show. In fact, I had started to write a book called Relationships, Dating and Love Lessons from The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. Side note? Would you read it?

The spunkybean offices are filled with half-written manuscripts. Sigh. Maybe I’ll get that going again, now that my teenaged daughter is watchingtoo. Sure, I could just talk to my daughter about dating, and I could treat her mother (aka my wife) with respect and show her my daughter how a great marriage works, but it’s 2018, and I think the best way for a father to teach his daughter is through a best-selling how-to book. Yup. I’ll do it. Next season.

(Reader Tip: If you don’t want to read anything about Krystal, skip to the next section header)

Monday’s The Bachelor was filled with dating life-lessons centered around Krystal. If you’re just finding these spunkybean recaps, for the first  two weeks, I loved Krystal. She had a hard-scrabble story but seemed to have risen above her divorced and disconnected parents, and her drug-addicted brother who refused help, and she told us she regularly brings food and clothing to local homeless and addicted people in her community. I called her a pillar of strength and felt like, hey, this chick rose above. She’s strong. Arie should marry her.

Turns out, Krystal knows how to wear a brave face, but deep down, she’s highly insecure, untrusting, and she’s broken. I’m sad for her. Truly. I won’t beat her down and hate on her. Life, and the world, have dealt her blow after blow, and so when a promise is broken – no matter how trivial and pointless that promise – she’s ill-equipped to handle it. Horrifically, we get to see it all on TV.

That said, she needs to go. People can change, a little, but Krystal needs a nurturing man with endless patience. She needs a therapist not named Chris Harrison and her session needs to be done on a couch in an office, and not in some side hallway where a half-dozen girls in the house sat with Krystal to tell her how fucked-up she is. Truly. That was painful. Everyone felt the need to come sit with her and dress her down.

Throwing the fit after bowling, when her winning-team was supposed to have gotten more, less crowded time with Arie, well, throwing the fit was dumb. And Arie must’ve gotten pressure from Producers to go see her one-on-one, because I could tell he didn’t want to. Truly, he should’ve been like, whelp, her loss. Lets’ drink wine and smash-face. But, noooooooooo. He left the girls sitting on their L-shaped couch and went and confronted Krystal. Awkward. Yeesh.

I wonder how long Arie was gone? I’m sure the other girls were allowed to leave the couch, but I think it’s funnier if they all had to sit there in their spots for the half-hour or hour that Arie was off talking with Krystal.

Krystal got a rose!!! Not during their awkward one-on-one, but at the end!!! Can you believe it? My watching-group was (and wasn’t) shocked. ABC has spent a great deal of screen time on Krystal, so even if Arie wanted to let her go, we’re pretty certain he was pressured to keep her. Then again, as he rightly pointed out, he liked Krystal so much, she got a hometown date already, saw his baby photos, and met Arie’s parents. She should be winning with that, but, again, the world has destroyed her ability to trust people.

I guess I respect that Arie isn’t giving up on her.

Other Things Happened Not Krystal-Related

Arie had one-on-one dates with Single-Mom Chelsea and Tia from Wiener. I remember when, after the first two episodes, I thought Chelsea was going to be the villain. She was feisty and acted as if the world owed her a husband. I didn’t like her. I wrote mean things. Turns out, when she finally got a one-on-one date, and maybe only in comparison with Krystal, Chelsea’s not so bad and how she ended up a single-mom, if I believe her story that I half listened to, she’s the living embodiment of Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally when she confessed her perfect relationship wasn’t so perfect and mostly, Meg Ryan’s ex-boyfriend and Chelsea’s ex-boyfriend simply didn’t want them. Because after the baby came, Chelsea’s boyfriend left, only to quickly get married to someone else and start a family. Heartbreaking. It sounds like her ex- is a rich kid, and she’s not, and his family probably never liked her, so he was a chicken shit. I hope he takes care of his child and loves it. Things happen, I get that. The pregnancy was definitely an “oops” and maybe it was best he didn’t marry Chelsea just because it was the right thing, but either way, Chelsea loved him and you can hear she’s still not quite over that. But she has to be, because she has a child to raise.

I still don’t approve of single-moms coming on this show. Just sayin’.

The only bizarre part about Arie’s and Chelsea’s one-on-one, with the yacht cruise and the jet skis, is that it wasn’t exotic. It was within view of the balcony where our bachelorettes were staying. Why, ABC?  The ocean is huge? You couldn’t have picked an excursion, oh, more than a mile away? Lucky for Chelsea, it was all about Krystal, so her smashing-face in plain view of everyone (looking on through a telescope) didn’t make a blip.

Ya know who made a big “blip?”  Tia, that’s who. This oh-so-sweet, awe-shucks farm girl is by far the best of the bunch. Down-to-earth. Funny. Confident. Humble roots. Gorgeous. She’s got it all. Her biggest competition is Lauren B., however. I’m calling this a 2-horse race.

The Rest and Predictions

In one breath I say it’s all Lauren and Tia, and yet I can’t discount Betty-Boop Short-Hair Bekah, or Ultra-Cool Becca. First, Arie knows full well that Bekah is way too young to really want this, right now, but he can’t resist her. Bekah has an uncommon confidence for her age. She’s also mean (she really went after Krystal).

The-Other Becca is simply cool.

Lauren, I forgot, got a one-on-one and she’s been hanging in the background since the beginning, but she’s stunning. Not sure she and Arie connect emotionally or intellectually, but that’s love, right? Emotionally he’s not connecting with Krystal, either, but he can’t let her go. Lauren should’ve probably gotten his attention early.

So, with that, the top-4 as I see it are

  1. Tia
  2. Lauren
  3. Becca (not the short-hair)
  4. Chelsea

Gone are Indian-Restaurant Owner Marikh, Indy-Car Entrance Macquel, and Ashley. See, this is what Krystal is doing. I don’t have room to talk about the bowling party, the old man in the middle of the swamp, and Macquel coming back and immediately being sent home. All hilarious moments.

Maybe Krystal will get booted soon and I can be much less serious – even though The Bachelor isn’t to be taken lightly. This is about love!!!

Thanks for reading. See you next week.

Share Button
Tagged with →  

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *