“It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good” -Michael Buble with words and lyrics by Leslie Bricusse and Anthony Newley

The last two weeks of The Bachelor have restored my faith in the franchise, in love, in justice, in goodness, in humanity, restored my faith in network television, in the future of soccer in America, in fairness at the Olympic games, and restored my faith Arie as our bachelor. Phew. There was a lot riding on the ouster of Krystal two weeks ago, and …finally …Short-Hair Bekah, this past week.

I guess we can skip right to that. Bekah, Dead-Animal Taxidermist Kendall, and Tia from Weiner all went on a rare 3-on-1 date late in the episode and I think I said, out loud, “oh, here we go again.” I continued, “if she gets a rose, I swear, I’m might be done with The Bachelor.” I took a sip of wine and continued, “doesn’t he see Bekah is too young and, well, it’s not really the age, but she’s a confused little girl trying to find herself. No career, I mean, yes, being a Nanny can be a career and livelihood, but for her, at 22, I think she just responded to a craigsList ad and, let’s be honest, probably only watches the kids from 3pm until 6pm, just in the afternoon after work, and that hardly counts as a ‘nanny’ in the traditional sense of Mr. Belvedere or Scott Baio in Charles in Charge…”

And at that point, my wife and teen daughter told me to shut up and asked if they could un-pause the DVR and keep watching.

Where was I? Yes. Arie finally wised up and maybe realized, “hey, there are some pretty amazing, sophisticated women on this show and even though my main goal was to travel the world and smash face with a buncha hot chicks, ya know, I ain’t getting any younger, so maybe I should marry one of these awesome ladies.”

Bekah was not that lady.

You realize that Kendall has survived an instant-elimination 2-on-1 and 3-on-1 for two weeks in a row, right? Yes, the Dead-Animals she collects make her seem crazy, but doesn’t it also make her seem interesting and confident? Didn’t she play psychiatrist to Krystal, and a little bit to Arie, helping him work through his emotions and how they would effect his choices? Now that I think about it, Kendall is pretty dang classy and might be too-good for Arie. Then again, my Bachelor Viewing-Group all think Arie is a “dead fish” and she likes …oh, you get it. I’m clever. You laughed.

Plus, try and forget the hundreds of dead-animals she collects and try and focus on how smart and gorgeous Kendall is. Yup. Ladies. Pay attention. If you’re ever on The Bachelor, or even dating in the real world, just be yourself, freak-show and all.

Tia …Wouldn’t Wanna Be Ya

I know I’m working my way backward from the end of the episode to the beginning, but the star of the week was Tia. Is it her charming southern drawl, or is she just cool as the other side of the pillow? What she did, by Jedi-mind-tricking Arie into giving her the rose over Bekah, and by filling and exposing all of Bekah’s own self-doubt, is usually the stuff of Bachelor villains. Yet, she made it look so right and justified. If I told you before the episode aired that Tia wouldl trash Bekah, and then tell Bekah to her face exactly what she told Arie, you’d expect to see girls screaming, shaking their fingers in each others face, words being bleeped-out, and you’d expect a scene of a Housewives type show. Instead, she made everyone agree that, yes, Bekah just isn’t ready for this and isn’t right for Arie.

Tia to Arie: Bekah is young, foolish, and said she’s not sure about her future and getting married yet.

Tia to Bekah: I told Arie that you’re young, emotionally immature, and not ready.

Brilliant. And nobody threw a drink in anyone’s face, and nobody had to be restrained from girl-figthing anyone, and when the rose dust settled, a crying Bekah went home, and two very cool chicks, Tia and Kendall, remained. In fact, Arie only has cool chicks …ahem, I mean cool women remaining. I say that because every bachelorette left aren’t “chicks” or “girls” …no, they’re women. The kind you do take home to momma.

But Not Jacqueline

One other highlight of Monday was Jacqueline, who only a week before seemed “out of Arie’s league” because she’s in school studying to be a doctor or something that requires more schooling than, say, a Blogger needs, and I was all high-and-mighty about how an educated woman with goals and aspirations shouldn’t be looked at as a woman not right for marriage and a family. It was a disgusting (and odd) conversation, but by the end, I thought Jacqueline and her perfect hair might be exactly what Arie needs …until the very next week when her insecurities bubbled to the surface and she eliminated herself from the show in the most cowardly way I’ve ever seen.

Here’s what I think happened. Two weeks ago, they had a one-on-one and both agreed her ambition wouldn’t get in the way. Arie moved past that. Jacqueline didn’t.  My guess is she spent a long plane ride from Paris to Tuscanny thinking, “ya know, it’s not really about me being in school and having my own goals, but I think I don’t really like Arie that much.”

And that’s OK. That’s what their conversation should have been. She should’ve told him exactly that. She should’ve said, calmly, that he’s great, and sounds like he’d be patient with her chasing a career, but then should’ve said she doesn’t think she and him have what he has with some of the others. They could’ve hugged and parted ways. Instead, she made a scene and made herself look like a head-case by talking out of both sides of her mouth, kissing him while breaking up with him, and waiting (and hoping) he would tell her he loves her, and only then, she might re-convince herself to stay. And that’s the thing. Jacqueline was here. For a reason. Certainly not because Producers swayed Arie’s decision. He liked her enough to keep her around. She’s travelling the world. She has some feelings for him. So, just let it play out. See where it goes. If it works, it works and you’ll be glad you stayed. If it doesn’t, hey, you’ll join hundreds of previous bachelorettes who didn’t get the final rose and what harm is done? That goes for all relationships. Sometimes, let the realtionship breathe and see where it goes.

But I swear on Chris Harrison’s grave, if she shows up on Bachelor in Paradise, I’m going to Tweet something angry and awful at her because that will prove she was FULL OF IT and all she wanted was this fame.

Let’s Wrap this up Quick

Arie also had 1-on-1 dates with Becca and Lauren (Lauren for the second week in a row). Both seem great. So great, in fact, he can’t think of a reason to send them home. Both seem smart, cool, and normal. Yet, I can tell he’s trying to convince himself to fall for them, but he isn’t quite there. He keeps saying, “I’m not so sure,” and both dates were short on small talk and connections. It’s not anything like we see when he’s on dates with Tia and Kendall.

I get it. Lauren is drop-dead-gorgeous and let’s be honest, Arie is a human male, so he wants to figure out the Lauren riddle. I’ll tell him how to figure it out. Call her on the phone. If it’s a buncha dead air, it’s a dead relationship. It’s OK. Not every person on the planet can get along with every other person. Arie and Lauren are both introverts. That’s obvious. So it doesn’t work. Back to Tia and Kendall. Those women are not introverts.

Why …why!!! Why did he get up and walk away from Lauren when she told him she loved him? I know what he said, but I think he doesn’t love her back, like, not even a little, and he truly doesn’t know how to react or what to do. Walking away and making her sit their like a chump was dumb, but …not cool. Ouch.

Lauren got a rose, anyway. So did Becca.

Ashley and Short-Hair Bekah did not, so we’re down to four girls and we’re going to hometowns next week, where it looks like every father is going to threaten his life. Always fun. Dear daughter …I’ll never be that type of Dad. Trust me. It’s a bad look and this isn’t the 50s where young people are afraid of or have any respect for adults. I’ll be a normal person when you bring a boy home. I’ll die a little inside, but I won’t pretend I have guns and that I’m a mob hitman on the side.

Arie’s kept the right girls. I believe in love. I believe in the Bachelor process. I can’t believe I gave up wine for Lent. Will Jesus be OK if I only drink on Mondays? I think so.

See you next week.

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