The Bachelor is back and with it, I predict, will begin an age of romance and love, and people being kind and decent to each other, and it will all start with the most handsome farmer that ever lived seeking love on the ABC television network. ABC and The Bachelor producers have already dubbed our new Bachelor “Prince Farming” …get it? Prince Charming …drop the “C-H” and add “F” and O …M …G! Between Chris Soules on The Bachelor and all those TV commercials for FarmersOnly.com (where farmer boys and girls can meet other farm boys and girls and not have to deal with we non-farming folk), farmers are going to be winning 2015 in the early months of the year.

In case you don’t remember, Chris finished in the final 3 last season and he’s a wealthy farmer. And he seemed like a nice guy. Luckily, we get the next 10 weeks to learn how messed up he is and to learn about his quirks, issues, and flaws. Such an innocent farmer from the midwest. Do they even have network TV out there? Does he know what he’s in for?

Here at spunkybean, we like to judge and judge harshly, so let’s meet the (somewhat) sexy ladies who’ll be throwing themselves at Chris.

Alissa

Alissa likes puppies and would adopt a wild mustang if that was possible and this was 1845. Hmmmm. Adopt a wild mustang? By definition a “wild” mustang is “wild” because it isn’t “owned.” So, if you adopt one, and put it in any type of confinement or try to break it to ride it (I assume she wouldn’t just want to watch it run around by itself), you immediately make that mustang into a horse. Red flag. She will like Chris’s quirks and lifestyle, but will immediately want to reign him in. Bam. Horse puns. Control freak!!!

Amanda

Amanda is a ballet teacher who really wants to be married. She’s really good looking, but I wonder how soon into the show she’s going to break out some ballet moves or how many times she’ll mention she teaches ballet? And why isn’t she married? I guess its an occupational hazard. If a girl is in ballet, or on Broadway, the eligible (straight) dude availability is lower. I like her …for now. But if she steps out of the limo in point shoes and doesn’t perfectly execute her en pointe or pirouette, she’ll be on my shit list.

Amber

This 29 year old bartender from Chicago wants to move to Iowa? Really? She realizes a small town in Iowa isn’t anything like Chicago. Some things she’s used to seeing will, um, not be prevalent in Iowa when she wins and marries Chris. Don’t make me say it. I’m progressive. I’m all about breaking down walls. Just …ya know …think about it, Amber.

Ashley I.

Her bio reads like a hyper laundry list of everything she’s ever thought of in her life. She likes sleeping in and waking up early and can’t live without her sister and friends and makeup and she would buy a room on a cruise ship if she won the lottery and a place in New York and Europe and she loves her parents and makes great cheeseburgers. Deep breath, Ashley. Maybe you shouldn’t have that 8th cocktail during the premier.

Ashley S.

Her forehead is too big. She might be a man in drag. Or a robot. They shouldn’t be letting either on this show, I don’t care how starved for drama they are.

Becca

At first I was like, she’s hot and was reading her bio and got to a question about her biggest date fear and she said having a horrible bowel movement and clogging up a toilet? Disgusting. Most people hope they don’t have spinach in their teeth or say the wrong thing. Is this “clogging a toilet” thing something that happens often? And you’d only be embarrassed on a date? She needs a filter.

Bo

When I first saw this photo I thought, “she’s a farmer.” (broad shoulders, stocky build). But before you judge me harshly, I’ll have you know her occupation is “plus size model”, so …now you owe me an apology. This is the “look” she’s going for. And where better can a woman be “plus sized” than on a farm? Throw hey bails be day …look plus-sized sexy at night. Full disclosure …I’d flirt with a plus-sized model before I’d flirt with a stick figure model all day long.

Britt

I don’t even need to read her bio. She’ll be the villain this season.

Brittany

By looks alone, this girl has to start out at the top. But, she’s another Florida gal who says she couldn’t live without the ocean. I can’t believe I’m already saying this, but she’s definitely not here for the “right reasons.”

Carly

Carly is a singer on a cruise ship. I always thought that would’ve been the BEST job. But when I look in Carly’s eyes, I don’t see that she’s happy, but I see she thinks “singing” is still going to be her claim to fame and I’ll bet you a Big Mac and fries she’ll step out of the limo and start singing. Show off!

Jade

She looks too nice and wholesome to be on this show. I hope the other girls are nice to this girl who works in cosmetics in Los Angeles, but isn’t originally from Los Angeles, which is obvious by looking at her. Well, if L.A. and California hasn’t ruined her, maybe she’s strong enough to go on The Bachelor and still stay down to earth.

Jillian

Jillian is a news producer from Washington D.C. and I’ve heard three stories about three different female news anchors and producers and let’s just say sweet farmer Chris will not be ready for this Tonya-Harding amateur porn start. Sweeping generalizations are my thing.

Jordan

She’s Canadian. She’s a student. And if she could be anyone for a day, she’d pick Brittney Spears. Which Brittney Spears? Modern day Brittney Spears, who’s pushing 40 and lip syncs and dances sadly in Vegas (I’m being cruel, it’s actually a really good show and I’ve seen it twice) or mid-90s Brittney who pretty much ruled the world?  I guess I just need a little clarification on that before I judge Jordan. Hopefully Chris asks.

Juelia

Is it too early to pick a front-runner? If not, I’m picking Juelia. She’s 30 and from Portland, and I’ll just make some sweeping generalization …she’s either from Portland or moved there on purpose, which means she’s probably down to earth and a little laid back. And she’s 30, and I maintain there is a huuuuuuuuge difference between some of these 24 year olds and a 30 year old. She’s an Esthetician, and when she says it, I’m not going to laugh at it. Hey. It’s a job. She’s not defined by her job (my words, not hers). But what I’m saying is …she could move to Iowa (I should really check if Chris is from Iowa). I like these two together so much, I’ll buy dinner on their first date.

Kaitlyn

Another Canadian and another dancer. Looking at her, I’m sure she’s a sweetheart, but she’s the quirky best-friend in a chick flick. She’s a bridesmaid, is how I see it. Actually, she’s not a bridesmaid, but she stands up in a ton of weddings, I’m guessing. She’s the life of the party. Her bio doesn’t say these things, but this is what I’m getting by looking at her. She’s had a million boyfriends, but she’s just not marriage material. There’s something “off” about her. There will be a whole chapter on the “Kaitlyns” of the world in my book …The Unofficial Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage Based on Lessons Learned on The Bachelor and Bachelorette. 

Kara

First question? Why does Kara look 46 and she’s only 25 years old? My guess is she’s an old soul. She’s a take-charge kinda gal who likes everything in its place and she sets really high standards for herself and others (she’s a h.s. soccer coach) and she doesn’t take crap from anyone and she probably has a really, really pretty sister (not that Kara isn’t also quite pretty) and her life has been spent resenting this happy-go-lucky sister and even at 25, she knows she wants 2 kids, a boy and a girl, 3 years apart, and she’s already started looking at property values and the cost-of-living in Iowa and found its not much different than in her home state of Kentucky and …she’s “a strong woman.” Her words. But everyone kinda would just like her to relax, a little. Laugh more. She doesn’t laugh. Instead of laughing, she says, “that’s hilarious,” but doesn’t laugh. Her sister? Laughs like an 8-year-pld girl and her laugh lights up a room. Poor Kara. Won’t make it past the first night.

Kelsey

This guidance counselor from Texas is interesting. One of the few (only) with short hair. Maybe Chris is into it. This picture of her isn’t great, so I’m really interested to see if she’s as cute as her smile …oh …and if she’s smart and stuff. Its not all about looks and physical attractiveness. Please withhold your hate mail …withhold it at least until week 3 or 4.

Kimberly

She’s a 28-year-old Yoga instructor from New York. If I’m right about this, she’s the only girl from New York and she’s going to appear harsh and abrasive and, sorry, it’s never gonna work. A gal from the big city and farm boy Chris. Oh, I love an “opposites attract” love story as much as the next guy (who gets forced to see chick flicks), but it doesn’t really happen all that often in real life.

Mackenzie

Mackenzie is 21. Twenty-one!!! As much as I usually talk about the older ladies (yes, I’m saying 30 is “old” in the Bachelor world), and how they are a little too wise and damaged and (sometimes) bitter for The Bachelor show structure, a 21-year-old is equally out of place. A 21-year-old just can’t possibly know enough about life to understand any part of this madness. She very well might be drunk and crying on night-1.

Megan

I love her hair. I also want to know more about what she does a a “Make-Up Artist” and how that works in Nashville, TN. Seems like a profession reserved for Los Angeles and New York. I’m just going to say this …she doesn’t look all that bright.

Michelle

Michelle is a wedding cake decorator from Utah, and I’m going to put her at 4:3 odds at catching his eye and, more importantly, catching my eye. Earlier I said Juelia seemed like a front-runner, right? Well, I’d guess this is another with “home town date potential.” And I get this good vibe simply because she calls herself a wedding cake decorator and doesn’t try and make that sound better by saying, “Matrimony Food and Dessert Consultant” or “Confectioner”. She’s just like, “hey, I decorate wedding cakes. People pay me for it. I like it and like being around frosting all day.” It is what it is. We’re not all Oprah. Michelle …can I buy you a beer?

Nicole

This 31-year-old real estate agent from Arizona is the girl everyone talks about and asks, “why can’t she find anyone?” And, “why is she still single?” And they all (they = friends, cousins, siblings, brother- and sister-in-laws, aunts) seem genuinely concerned and perplexed, but they’re all lying and they know exactly why she’s still single. And it’s this thing that’s hard to put a finger on, but she’s just sorta got “hard edges” (more on that in my forthcoming book). She’s missing that matronly or femininity side. And it’s different than that control-freak Kara (see previous snap judgement), because Nicole doesn’t even stress about it. She’s good. She knows everyone thinks she should be feeling a little anxious about being 31 and not having a man, but she just doesn’t care. And that’s the part that worries her most, but she has nobody to talk to about it. It’ll happen for her. At 40 or 44. She’ll be gone on night one and won’t even cry about it.

Nikki

She’s only 26 and already her bio is “former NFL cheerleader?” At 26, you’re a “former” cheerleader and are you saying you don’t have a job, currently? You left cheerleading (I assume it was a paycheck) and are just drifting aimlessly, right now? And, how sad …at 26 …a girl’s prime cheerleading years are behind her? Do you suppose they cut her from the squad during a random cellulite check? To we mortals, I’ll bet she’s impossibly cute and has amazing legs, but in the NFL cheerleading world, she’s yesterdays news. Oh, and she’s from New York, too. It will never work. Well, maybe Chris will keep her around like some sorta exotic novelty, like, “I’m dating a former NFL cheerleader from New York,” which would shock and amaze his fellow farmers. But let’s face it …two different worlds. It’ll never work.

Reegan

She wins the award for the most unique spelling of a common name (and it requires an explanation …why two “Es”), and definitely for the most interesting career listing – Donated Tissue Specialist. It intrigues me and nauseates me (I get squeamish easily) at the same time. The one part of her bio I don’t like and doesn’t bode well for her is that she says to “really impress a man” she knows to “keep her mouth shut.” Now, at times, when girls are rambling on and on, nervously, just because they can’t handle silence and assume it’s a sign of something bad, you can enjoy a silent moment. But “keeping my mouth” just seems odd.

Samantha

 

This 28 year old fashion designer from L.A. has lived on both coasts, but grew up in “the country.” And her bio even says, “I grew up more in the country, but have lived in New York City and Los Angeles for the past 4.5 years. Eventually the country might be better as it may be a better environment to raise a family.” Hmmmmm. This sounds promising. I like her.

Tandra

 

As a short guy, when I see a girl 5’11”, it’s intimidating. In this case, I wonder, “how tall is Chris?” It’s not in his bio. If he’s not 6’2″, and she wears heels, it’s never going to work. I also predict her height will come up early and often (she might even mention it while ABC is introducing all the bachelorettes and she’ll say something about how “some men are intimidated” and then …it’ll either matter or she’ll be sent home and it will never be mentioned again.

 

Tara

If I have to pick a favorite before I even see any of these girls in action, it’s this cutey pie! On the positive side,  she’s a sport fishing enthusiast who loves whisky. On the downside, her bio says she can’t live without the ocean. Is there an ocean in the middle of the U.S.? My knowledge of geography isn’t strong.

Tracy

Tracy is a teacher and teachers always do well on The Bachelor. Her answers in her bio are awfully cute and sweet and she feels like she might be a “romantic at heart” but just isn’t sure modern men are into the whole “romance” thing. Lucky for her, there’s nothing more romantic than just about everything that happens on The Bachelor (which is why most couples don’t make it …because everything after The Bachelor ends is a complete step down …like taking a helicoptor to an exotic island for a date …doesn’t happen). We’ll see if her sweetness shows through early and she can make it past the first night.

Trina

 

I’m over 40, so this will sound hypocritical, but Trina is 33 and she’s going to look like a grandmother when thrown into the mix with these girls and she won’t be all gaga and swooning over this experience. She’s going to talk about how many babies she wants the first minute she can talk with Chris and …queue the music from Psycho.

Whitney

And last but not least is Whitney, a fertility nurse from Chicago. She says she likes a man who likes to be pursued, which means she’s going to be the most obnoxious and awkward getting out of the limo. She’s going to have a poem or an essay, or she’ll ride up on a horse or juggle or do some close-up magic. And Chris is going to pretend to be amused, and she’ll think she’s winning, and he’ll avoid her for the rest of the night and she won’t get a rose on the first night and be bawling as she’s being sent home.

My first impression rose prediction is Tara. What a cutey.

And that’ s that. You can watch for yourself and marvel at how right I am. And for the record, I rarely go back and check how accurate I was. It’s the Bachelor. I fly by the seat of my pants. But I’m prepared to say I have a 93% accuracy rate. Because it sounds good.

See you tomorrow night and all season long.

Here’s ABC’s sneak peak at the season. Amazing as usual. Let’s get it on!

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