Last night … on The Bachelor …we finally confirmed, yup, we have our villain. And we’re going to learn if America is ready for a girl with values who won’t smash-face on camera and if Sean won’t tire of her lack of uninhibited lusting in favor of the other girls and their promiscuous ways. We saw two front-runners (Washington Intern and Katie-Holmes-Doppelganger) sit at home while everyone else got one-on-one and group-dates and planted the seeds of doubt in each of them so a few weeks from now they’ll have a confrontation with Sean and cry about “never seeing him” and “I feel like we lost what we have” and he’ll sour on them.
Let’s get right to the action.
Selma (The Iraqi) got the one-on-one date and even before it started she was talking about having Sean’s babies. Ya know you never hear the dudes during Bachelorette seasons talkin’ ‘about babies. Sean said some people mis-judge Selma and think she’s just a “pretty face”, which obviously means Sean has cataracts or something – OK, she’s kinda pretty. She’s just got really pointy facial features highlighted by some overly manicured eyebrows and lip liner applied with far too much precision. Just sayin’. No, but what I actually don’t like about Selma is how she pretends to be nice and friendly, when I feel like I can tell she’s wicked and nasty. Sean and The-Iraqi went mountain climbing and all I could think of was, oh, I’ve seen this before …she falls and gets her hand trapped under a giant boulder and Sean goes for help and is gone too long, so she’s forced to chop her arm off and drag herself to safety and then Sean has to decide between two one-arm women who he’s madly in love with, and, oh …I’m crying already. They edited out that “trapped under a boulder” part, though. Anyway, Selma is an Arab with Iraqi roots, and although she’s on national TV making a fool of herself, she’s not allowed to make a whore of herself. I can respect that and now I really want to meet her disapproving family on a hometown date. Sean seemed all frustrated that he couldn’t kiss her but, dude, you’ve got 12 other girls you can smash face with with a simple Fonzie-esque snap of your fingers …just cool it on this one. He liked her, even without a makeout session, so she got a rose and was safe for the night.
The group date was a roller derby and Amanda broke her jaw, even though she really didn’t. If there’s one thing Bachelor and Bachelorette producers love, it’s pitting contestants against each other in some sort of fighting scenario? Remember the boxing matches during Ashley’s season? And now this? Why stop beating around the bush, and let’s just put ‘em in a steel cage and get that Bachelor-UFC synergy working.
But after the whole “broken jaw” thing, Sean instead said, hey, let’s just have a skating party. Awwww …I wanna go to a skating party. I remember when I used to be flexible enough to “shoot the duck” and I had my own pair of black skates with expensive wheels and I was one helluva speed skater, and the only reason I didn’t participate in “couples skate” that one time was because I couldn’t skate backwards …truly …I mean …girls were dying to skate with me, I had so many girls passing me notes in school and I just …um …I was in the bathroom and missed Lionel Richie’s “Truly” which is “our song”, and, well, before that I was at the arcade and was totally going to get High Score on Space Invaders, but …seriously. Next “couples skate”. I’m asking Lisa. But for now …my favorite skate party song of all time, Sheena Easton’s “Morning Train” just started and, no, I won’t go talk to her, I mean, I will …just as soon as “Ghostbusters” ends …well, the next lame song, I’ll go talk to her.
Why do the “drama girls” somehow always manage to stick around? We’ve got quite a recent history of this. Remember Horse Face (aka Vienna from Jake Pavelka’s season) and Courtney (from Ben’s season)? We all sat collectively yelling at our TV screens for our Bachelors to pick anyone but those girls, and yet, they hung around and eventually won. I think I theorized it’s because dudes love a “damsel in distress”. Of course, it didn’t work for Kacie B., last week, but she really didn’t do it right …she seemed insane. Last night, Tierra worked it to perfection.
Tierra was like, “should I have my meltdown here? Or over here? Where would you like me to act like I want to quit the show, but only so much that someone has to talk me into it and make sure I’m somewhere where Sean might walk by. Do I look more pathetic and vulnerable with my hair behind my ears, or all disheveled?”
Lo’ and behold, while Crazy-Bridal-Gown-Chick (aka Lindsay) was smashing face with Sean and taking him to the pool for a sexy swim, there was Tierra ready to snare him and pull him aside for a long “poor me” session …and it worked.
Sean talked about how Tierra needs more reassurance than the other girls, and that must be it …men want to feel like they need to protect their woman. So when they see a stupid girl who needs “protecting”, they feel awesome about themselves when they get to run to their aid.. It’s pathetic …because if it were me, the last thing I’d want to do on a show full of confident, funny, and gorgeous women is nurture some insecure, drama queen – I don’t care how amazing her body is (just sayin’) …but next week, it looks like Tierra is going to contract a case of hypothermia because, and I’m guessing, they do a beach bikini photo shoot in the Arctic and she gets caught in the undertow and drifts out to sea for hours and there’s going to be a dramatic Coast Guard rescue. Right? I’m sure that’s what’s going to happen.
Oh …Tierra got the “group date rose” out of sympathy and, holy crap, did she have one helluva evil smile when she realized all her carrying-on prompted Sean to make this move.
The next one-on-one date went to Leslie H. (The Long-Faced Black-Girl) and it was highlighted by Sean’s stupidest-vest-ever. I’ve never liked vests ever since New Kids on the Block ruined them for all regular people (confession …not sure I would’ve worn vests with or without the existence of New Kids on the Block, but they took away that option, so we’ll never know), but vests are even worse when they look like a hipster picked up a tuxedo vest from a thrift shop …except Sean’s wasn’t that kinda vest …it was like a brand-new vest bought at Nieman Marcus. On their date, they recreated Pretty Woman in that Leslie H. waas allowed to buy an expensive dress and was then given jewelry, but I wasn’t sure about Leslie’s policy regarding kissing on the mouth. Also, my wife was pretty upset they didn’t use the actual dialog from Pretty Woman right before they went to the jewelry store to pick out a necklace.
Anyway, the date was “ok” but Sean just didn’t click with her, and she was sent home. I was kinda glad about that. There was something off about her.
And this brought us to the final cocktail party and rose ceremony, and I thought, from the previews, the part where the Other-Black-Girl says, “do you want a taste of chocolate?” was going to be totally hot, but when it actually happened, she laughed awkwardly and didn’t make it hot at all. Bummer.
Roses went to the Asian-Chick (Catherine), Katie-Holmes-Doppelganger (aka Desiree), Drunk Bride-Gown Chick (aka Substitute Teacher, aka), Washington Intern (Leslie), The Other Black Girl (Robyn), AshLee (Girl from the Six Flags Handicap Date), One-Arm (aka Sarah), The Red-Head (aka Jackie), and Ke$ha (aka Daniella). So this meant the girl who broke her jaw during roller derby (aka Amanda) went home. Wow! Harsh. The dude Sean is so shallow he couldn’t see past her swollen jaw, even though it was his fault.
Luckily, nobody liked her anyway. And next week, we have two nights and four hours of this madness and I’d hate myself if I didn’t love this show so much.
Thanks, as always, for reading, and share your thoughts in the Comments section below? I mean, really, you wouldn’t keep around someone with a weak chin like Amanda, right? Do we all hate Tierra …have we established that? What awesome part did I miss?
See you next week.