It’s like Christmas, Redux. It’s like the Superbowl went into overtime. It’s FOUR hours of The Bachelor in a single week. The only downside, I gotta wait an entire day to see someone (Tierra) (pretend) to get hypothermia? That’s crap. I want Tierra frozen, now! I want frostbite to take some of her fingers and toes. I want her gone …and if it’s frozen in a chunk of ice, so be it. I can’t believe Sean is keeping her around. It just goes to show you, The Bachelor might not be the best way to find love in this crazy world.

I hate that she’s pretty much become the only thing worth talking about. It’s the “story” that ABC is promoting, so we don’t have much else to say based on what we’re shown. But I will do my best to talk about Sean’s One-on-One date with the Drunk-Bride (aka Lindsay), his Group Date, and then his Two-on-One date, which ended up being just another reason for us to talk about Tierra. Poop.

So, we’re done with L.A. and we’re off to Montana, and to the good people of Montana, I’d like to say …we’re sorry. You have a picturesque state and for us to bring this dysfunctional, skanky, and desperate group of humans is borderline sacrilege. Folks, if you’re reading this and you’d like to help restore Montana’s lakes and streams to their original beauty as they existed before The Bachelor polluted them, you can give via a link at the bottom of this recap.

(Editor’s Note: The Montana State Legislature refused money offered from a website that recaps The Bachelor saying it would be inconsistent with the beautification efforts of their State and violates their state motto of “There Must Be Something Better on Television and Something Better to Read.”)

So, Lindsay (aka Drunk Bride Gown) got the one on one and she is amazing. I love her.  Sean said he almost sent her home the first night because he thought she might be “too wild” for him, but then said “he’s glad he didn’t.” Well, Sean, you also sent home the girl who was obsessed with Fifty Shades of Grey, so you’re really not doing very well, dude. Lindsay laid out some sob story about her Dad being in the Army and because she moved around so much, she can’t wait to settle down and not move around. Points for her for trumping up a “sob story” because Sean really digs someone sad that he can try and cheer up. Their date went well, and they smasehd alotta face, and she got the rose. Then they walked around the town and got a mini-concert by Sara Darling, who I assume is a Country artist some people know. And while Sara Darling played a few songs, Sean and Lindsay danced awkwardly on stage while about 50 people stood and stared.

Fairly uneventful, but she’s definitely a front-runner.

Next up, the Group Date. The Group Date started with a relay race that involved chugging some goats milk. How hot was it when Lesley (aka The Washington Intern) said she was “gonna chug that goat milk like its her job?” Well, seeing as all my readers are women, it probably wasn’t hot to anyone but me. And, now I’m thinking this all makes me sound weird, and like I should explain I don’t think a girl drinking goats milk is hot, but it’s how Lesley said it, oh, nevermind.

The team that won got to stay and have a four-on-one with Sean and the losing team was sent home, and then invited back. It was totally anti-climactic, but obviously Sean obviously has the hots for someone on the losing team. Everyone thought it was so unfair. Like, OMG, it was just so …un …fair. Some of the girls were all like, ‘we worked so hard” and “I drank goats milk (like it’s my job)” and “I can deal with four girls and Sean but not 8 girls and Sean” and that was most telling. You’d think, with 13 girls already living together and competing and already being on a group date, whatever was your strategy amidst this madness would be about the same no matter how many girls were on the date. Step 1, pull Sean aside. Step 2, smash face while flirting. Step 3, try to pull Sean far enough away from everyone so that you reduce the risk of someone randomly walking into your Face-Smashing session and interrupting. Step 4, In Case of Emergency, fake an emotional break-down and get the Group Rose …which is what Ke$ha (aka Daniella) did.

I like when Sean kept asking the “winners” if his inviting back the “losers” was bummin’ them out and they all were like, “nooooooo, it’s OK, but…” and then dance around why you’re actually pissed. Just say it. Say what you mean. Go for broke. If you say it, and Sean sends you home, then at least you know he’s a spineless sissy boy and you can hold your head high (well, as high as someone can hold their head after embarassing themselves on national TV for however many weeks you last on Bachelor).

Oh, and Tierra crashed the Group Date and showed up just to remind Sean she’s there and she’s confused and hurt, blah, blah, blah. For what it’s worth, it worked. We may all hate her, but she’s endearing herself to Sean. Drat!

Like, speaking of “saying what you mean,” a great case in point is The Redhead (aka Jackie) who was a part of Sean’s Two-on-One along with Tierra. It was head-to-head competition and all she could do was obsess about Tierra and I don’t know the full text of what she and Sean talked about when she finally got him alone, but I do know she talked about Tierra. The only way a move like this will work is if you actually say something substantial, but if you don’t have any concrete evil things to point out about Tierra, all you do is look like an insecure, vindictive, bitch. You can’t just say, “we don’t get along.” Go ahead, lie if you have to …say she “ate a puppy” for dinner the night before or that she told you at some point that she was only here to be on TV and promote her blog. Lie. Or, at least, come to the table with something substantial. Instead, Jackie was sheepish, had a bum/slow horse, and pretty much spent the date sneering at Tierra and plotting something awful to say about her. When you do that, you’re not a “fun date” in your own right, and  you’re doomed to fail. And she failed, and was sent home. I mean, she tried to make up a fake story about a cute guy that Tierra was flirting with, but you gotta think Sean was probably in his head thinking, “when the hell was there another cute guy on this show? I’m the only guy.” And if it actually happened as maybe was one of the producers or a make-up guy, be specific. Be very specific, otherwise, you’re just painting Tierra as a “friendly” person. She should’ve gone with the “puppy for dinner” story. It’s true and obvious, Tierra is a terrible person, but since when has that ever mattered to any Bachelor, and since when has it ever worked that if you try to “get real” with The Bachelor, that they’ll listen? It doesn’t, so you might as well just focus on making yourself awesome.

One point of order, though …do you believe Tierra had a boyfriend who died of a drug overdose? And, do you think she did drugs with him? So, is she like a recovering junkie? Seems like that would be good to know.

One more point of order, Sean is not doing these girls any favors. He smashed face with 7 girls last night and at one point told Daniella, “I just want everyone to know where they stand” and I think, right now, nobody knows where they stand. One minute, he’s smashing face with them and telling them he connected with them on the first night, and the next minute he’s telling someone else that same thing, and then he’s giving a Group Date rose to Daniella even though he’s hardly spent any time with her. Hell, I’m confused, and I get to see behind-the-scenes stuff.

At the cocktail party, Desiree and The Black Girl (aka Robyn) blew it as both of them, I think, couldn’t hide their anger about the Group Date and their hatred for Tierra which, again, made them look like the trouble makers and not Tierra. The Black Girl even went so far as to say she would, “make this the bad girls club.”

What is the point of even acknowledging Tierra?

Chris Harrison scolded the girls for breaking Sean and then we had the Rose Ceremony, where Selma the Iraqi, the Asian (aka Catherine), the Washington Intern (aka Lesley), AshLee the Personal Organizer, One-Armed Sarah, and Desiree got roses which meant The Black Girl headed home. It’s OK. She wasn’t right for Sean.

But we’re only half-way through what’s gonna happen this week, so I’ll reserve judgement for one more day until I see what happens tonight, but it’s starting to look like Tierra’s fake hypothermia stunt will endear her even more to Sean, and the girls are just gonna get more and more pissed.

Love.

It.

Love. You. See you tomorrow for more madcap madness and mad chicks.

 

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One Response to The Bachelor, Week 5 – Day 1 of 2

  1. Karen says:

    Great recap! So excited for tonight’s show. Hoping Tierra freezes and goes home.

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