25 men enter. 24 men leave. 22 men must sit in a panel discussion and apologize for everything they’ve done wrong. It’s The Bachelorette’s Behind the Rose (I think that’s what they’re calling it) and it’s exactly the therapy we all need. And I’m thinking, based on the preview of the next two weeks and all the crying and drama, you can’t tell me every guy sitting there last night wasn’t at least a little bit relieved it wouldn’t be them on TV carrying on like that.

As usual, the “men tell all” was broken out into 4 segments. First, the guys all told their versions of revised history based on what actually happened compared to what we all saw on TV. Then Chris Harrison interviewed our favorite idiots. Then Desiree came out to dress down the morons. Then we got all ramped up for the next two weeks, which Harrison called, “the most dramatic ending, ever.” And even he copped to the fact that he always says that, but this time? He means it.

Personally, I was happy to see all the guys arguing about who’s there “for the right reasons” …still. James was the guy who seemed to have a connection with Desiree but, at some point, he was talking casually to Mikey about how, even if it’s not him in the end, who knows, he could be the next Bachelor. Again, to me, this seems like a logical thing to think because, as James pointed out, you’re on a reality TV show. Does everyone else really live in a bubble while on this show never thinking for a moment about their image, what life will be like after the show ends, and what it might mean for the rest of their lives? I highly doubt that. How could you not? Bachelor and Bachelorette alumni do all sorts of things – go on cruises together, go to Vegas together, go on Bachelor Pad (cancelled, but still), get picked as the next Bachelor or Bachelorette, or get brought back onto the show as contestants or advisors. Or, hey, they might just get married, have kids, and become a part of Bachelor history.

All very real things to think about.

I don’t hate James. I hate that weasel Michael who felt it was his responsibility to protect Desiree from all the phonies and Ben.

Do we really hate Ben? The guy who brought his kid out of the limo on the first night? And we’re all ready to crush him for being a bad father because he might not have called his son on Easter or whatever, or because some dude saw his son’s mother in Vegas and she said horrible things about him? And, what was the mother doing in Vegas? Don’t tell me it was a real estate convention. In the case of Ben, his son, and his ex-wife or his baby-mama, I think there’s a enough dysfunction to go around.

We can’t all be Juan Pablo (who I bet ABC would love to be the next Bachelor) who openly and properly loves his daughter. Isn’t it odd …if you talk about your kid too much, people would accuse you of using your kid as a prop. But Ben didn’t talk about his kid enough, so he’s labeled a bad father.

Back to Juan Pablo – it’s so fun to see a foreigner enter our American reality TV world. They just don’t “get it.” This is America and we all want our 15 minutes of fame. Since the early 1990s and the birth of reality TV (The Real World on MTV), we all now suddenly think we can become famous for just being ourselves – or some self invented and calculated version of ourselves. We don’t have to learn to sing or dance, or play soccer, to be on TV and be famous …we only need to be something that people will look at and point and stare. That’s it. Juan Pablo doesn’t understand. He was all like, hey, she’s talking with 25 guys and I hope she just gives me a chance and it must be hard to be her, blah, blah, blah.

No, dude! You need to win, but not “win win” like it’s a competition, because that would be the “wrong reasons”, but you absolutely must fall in love, almost immediately, even if you aren’t “in love” and you had better have a shtick to go along with it. Juan Pablo was at such a disadvantage because he hasn’t spent the last 20+ years of his life thinking which reality show he’d like to be on, and then how he’d act when on that show.

And, seriously …do you expect me to believe Zak W. isn’t 100% trying to gain sympathy and favor with the producers in order to be our next Bachelor? With his “I’m still in love and I’ll always be in love with Desiree” routine and his guitar and his sincerity and class? He should be ashamed of himself. And that song …he just picked a bunch of words that rhymed with “guys” and “eyes” and wrote a 12-line song, but it didn’t say anything. And he wrote a poem in invisible ink in a vintage journal. Dude! Ever hear of a thing called “trying too hard?” That’s you.

I keep hearing Jef (with one “F”) Holm, who split with Emily, is going to be the next The Bachelor. Add to that list Chris, Drew, or Brooks (whichever she doesn’t pick), and maybe Juan Pablo, and I think Zak is still on the outside looking in. Like I said …he’s trying too hard. ABC knows a fame whore when they see one, and they don’t mind, but what they really don’t like is a fame whore who’s trying to pretend he’s/she’s not one.

I want it to be Juan Pablo, but (and I know I’m contradicting myself) because he’s not American and well-versed in American reality TV ridiculousness, ABC might feel he won’t bring the drama and an act to the table. We don’t want to see a down-to-earth, normal person.

So what happens these next two weeks? Judging from the previews, we’ll get four hours of mostly crying. All three dudes wanna go home, Desiree wants to go home. They show at least two guys at the “altar.” What could it be? Care to speculate? I think one of the guys drops out (probably to solidify himself as the next Bachelor, even though he’d never say it). I’m sure I could read spoilers somewhere, but I’m not going to flip to the back of the book and read the ending.

I think someone drops out. Do you have any guesses?

I’ll be watching with my Kleenex in hand and a stiff drink. It’s going to be great …I can just feel it. This time, I really believe Chris Harrison that it’s unlike any finale we’ve ever seen.

Thanks for reading. See you next week.

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