Well, well, well …I was testing you. And you passed. You’re still watching The Bachelorette and I’m proud of you. At least five of you even emailed me and asked, “hey …where are your G.D. recaps?” Truth be told, only one heathen used the phrase “God damned,” but hell if it didn’t get my attention. When fans resort to taking the Lord’s name in vain, well, you know it’s serious.
I’m going to do this recap in two parts, and I’m not going to talk about everything becuase, well, some of it simply isn’t worth mentioning. Do you really want me to make a joke about dudes sledding? Do you want me to waste my time, and your time, talking about how “some guys in the house aren’t there for the right reason?” Because I won’t stoop so low. Only 2 or 3 are there for the “right reasons” and sledding was the worst case of network filler since NBC gave Jay Leno five nights per week at the 10 o’clock time slot.
Someone give me a high-five.
Let me be clear, just because I haven’t been recapping this season of The Bachelorette, it doesn’t mean me and the spunkybean crew ain’t been watching …and loving …and crying …and laughing and pointing. We still do that. Well, I still do that. Before, at spunkybean HQ, it used to be a big party watching The Bachelor and Bachelorette, and we had pizza and snacks, and red wine. It was a bonding experience and every week we came away as better people having grown, reflected, and having found new faith in love and romance.
Now, it’s me and the janitor and his typical routine is to walk by and scoff something like, “I don’t know anyone who still watches this show …is that dude crying? …are you crying?”
And then I throw something from my desk at him and scream for him to go …and leave me alone.
Recap, Part 1 – Everything That Happened Before Monday That I Can Remember
This season, Desiree, with the tree-trunk legs, is looking for love and we’re down to 11 or 12 guys. Sunday before last (on a special night due to the NBA Finals), she booted some dork while on their one-on-one date, and she sent home the most recent Mr. Irrelevant. Seriously …I’m sitting here, writing, and I just looked-up who she left without a rose and I can’t even remember. It’s like ABC took him off their site. Truly, the guy did nothing of consequence the first four weeks of the show. It’s probably a good move.
Now, my wife knows who Desiree ends up with. She also knows if Desiree stays with him. But I’m not like that. I, like you, am taking this journey right along with Desiree and I want to be surprised.
Oh yes … I called her “tree trunk legs”. I’m not making fun of her. But I noticed ABC is doing some crazy editing this season. Pay attention …every now and then they can’t help but show her full body, but it’s obvious most of the other times, they’re trying to hide her legs. It’s OK with me …maybe she used to play soccer, or that’s just her body type, but ABC is not liking the way those gams look on camera. All her dresses are long …no mini-skirts.
Don’t hate me. Hate ABC. They’re the ones with leg-o-phobia.
Who do we like, so far? Me, I like the one guys hair (Drew). I don’t like the guy who showed up the first night shirtless …as if rock hard abs are something unique on The Bachelorette. Heck, I’m pretty sure it’s a requirement, which makes me a little nervous for my 40-yr-old friend who recently auditioned …he’s gonna need to hit the P90X hard! Again, I’m not making fun …I’m a 40-year-old father of three and bready late-night snacks are the reason there are crumbs on my couch.
I’m saying I’m flabby. And overly hairy. I’d wouldn’t last a minute on The Bachelorette.
Recap, Part 2 – Monday’s Episode Where They All Went Sledding and Hung Out in a Fancy Igloo
Monday was a blood bath. All season all the dude were hating Ben, and I wasn’t quite sure why. Because he was aggressive and sort of a douche bag? Well, I didn’t see it. In a house full of douche bags, who’s to say who’s too douche-like and who’s not? Well, Michael got the 2-on-1 date with Ben and he was going to entrap him into looking like a dork. In my opinion, while his plan sorta worked and Ben is gone, Michael looked like a high-strung monster and there is no way he’ll sniff the final four.
Bryden left of his own accord, and we’re going to be forever left to wonder what his end game was? Was he trying to get her to beg him to stay, so he’d feel better about himself? In this Millenial world we’re living in, that would seem like something these young guys would do. Mommy had to tell them every day that they were special and loved and nothing would ever make them sad, and Bryden is only 26 and single, so this seems very likely what he wanted. Constant validation. And Desiree wasn’t ready to give it to him, so he left. Desiree cried, but I think ABC sprayed some lemon in her eyes because I don’t believe for a minute she was actually sad.
It’s OK, because she could get back to her date with Chris, who some people are calling The Most Amazing Man To Ever Walk the Planet. No, I’m serious. I swear I heard some people say that. He wrote poetry, for goodness sake. And it wasn’t some “roses are red” bullcrap …it was actually pretty good. Now, this show is going to be a test of whether Desiree is smart and observant, or just stupid. If she picks Chris …she’s smart. If not, she’s dumb and she gets what she deserves. Misery. Loneliness. Sadness.
I’m guessing Chris is the reason she cancelled the cocktail party. She’s smashed face with the Long-Hair dude who kinda pounced on her like a velociraptor, and she kissed Chris. That make-out session with Chris, I’m guessing, was like one of those movie moments when, “you just know.”
In the end, Ben was sent packing from the 2-on-1 date, Bryden ran home to Mommy because he quit, and Desiree sent home Mikey T., I assume, because she was probably confusing him with Beefy James. Both lifted too many weights and sorta reminded me of guys on the Jersey Shore, so …phew. Confusion. Over.
And now the bitches look like they’re going to turn their catty ways towards James who mentioned at some point if he makes it to the Top-4 he might have a shot at being the next Bachelor. And everyone is killing him for it? That’s bull crap. Seriously …if you go on the show even with the best intentions which, let’s face it, only about 2 or 3 might actually be there for love and love only, you have to know some of the perks include being a Bach’ or Bach’ette alumni and invited on the cruises, and maybe Bachelor Pad, and the swinging, orgies, and swapping.
Any dude who says he hasn’t at least considered this even the tiniest bit should be booted for being a pathological liar. Hell …if I was 20-something and unmarried, getting into the alumni circuit would probably be my primary goal. Winding up as the next Bachelor would be my second goal. Oh, and falling in love and getting married …way, way down on the list.
So here we are. Just finished the fifth week and I think there’s about 10 guys left fighting for her. I’m rooting for Chris. I’m also praying for Chris. And I’m making voodoo dolls of the other guys to sabotage them (yes, I realize the shows were recorded months ago and all the pin-poking and flame-burning I do to these dolls won’t matter …but it’s still funny to think of the losers sitting back in their apartments or their day-jobs and writhing in pain when I’m messing with voodoo).
Go Chris. Welcome back. See you next week.