I’ve never enjoyed a season premier of The Bachelorette (or The Bachelor, for that matter) as I did these last two nights. But before I get into it, I want to start a #Bachelorette Newsletter. To subscribe, email me (subject: Bachelorette) at email@example.com or leave a comment below where I can quick grab your email or just comment with your email address as the comment, and I’ll grab it and subscribe you and then I’ll delete it (so the world won’t have your email).
OK. Back to my thorough enjoyment of the two night The Bachelorette premier.
Monday night started out like any other normal season with Chris Harrison introducing some of the dudes, but before he started he wanted to address us all about the historical and social impact of having two Bachelorette’s. It felt like an ’80s After School Special or an ’80s Very-Special-Episode. For the youngsters reading, we had great sitcoms in the ’80s, but we could also be very serious. Popular sitcoms would sometimes break from their regular hilarity to have an episode about someone with an eating disorder, a drug problem, and, most famously, child molestation (poor Dudley). Good Luck Charlie and Jesse ain’t getting near that kinda stuff. It’s a different time.
Back to The Bacheorette …Chris talked about people being “angry” and normally I’d laugh at such a preposterous idea, but I gotta believe by the very fact ABC felt it important to address the anger that two bachelorettes caused, you have to believe the Twittersphere must have been absolutely violently angry about this. In my day (aka the ’80s, we would’ve written angry letters to the network …and I might’ve written an angry letter or two, and that letter was written when Sandy Duncan replaced Valerie Harper in Valerie’s Family and it was renamed The Hogan Family because, let’s face it …Sandy Duncan (or Valerie Harper, for that matter) added nothing. It wasn’t a vehicle for Valerie Harper or Sandy Duncan, it was a launching pad for Jason Bateman and if the network hadn’t bungled it, he wouldn’t have had to wait 20 years for Arrested Development to re-launch him.
I’m a fan. Of Jason Bateman. Let’s keep going.
Also spoiler alert, I don’t like spoilers. For new readers, this isn’t an insider blog. I don’t unwrap my birthday and Christmas presents early and I love a surprise party thrown in my honor, so I learn about what’s going on in Bacheloretteville as it unfolds on TV the way ABC wants me to watch it. Every week I watch the show with my wife who sits next to me and knows who gets picked who gets voted off and usually she knows who gets the final rose and the marriage proposal. I don’t. You think a guy who blogs would sit on message boards and follow Bachelor rumor people on Twitter, but I like to watch the show and have it unfold before me in real time as if I was watching television in the 80s and didn’t have the Internet at my disposal.
How many ’80s TV references can I make? I promise. I’ll stop. Except maybe one more in three paragraphs from now.
Two bachelorettes meant an awkward exercise of watching dudes exit the limos with a predisposition toward Katelyn or Britt. As if it wasn’t going to be awkward enough, ABC stacked the first limo with guys who almost all were there for Britt (Team Britt). It made Kaitlyn look sad and rejected and I cringed and watched through my fingers.
What was good for ABC wasn’t good for Kaitlyn and Britt. Britt was Britt and was overly joyous and in-love with so many dudes. But the more regular and normal dudes took to Kaitlyn. It presented a dilemna for all of us. You. Me. Bloggers. ABC. Chris Harrison. It was apparent that depending on who would be favored by the dudes would mean two very different shows. Had they picked Britt, it would’ve been a house full of bizzaros and oddballs all season. Kaitlyn attracted guys who might just maybe kinda possibly really want to find love. Well, two of Kaitlyn’s fanboys were lazer focused even before arriving and didn’t split hairs in proclaiming how into Kaitlyn each was.
But you can’t judge a season by the limo moments or the first night(s). I remember last season with Chris Soules, I thought the whole season was over on the very first night with the way that he connected with Britt and then on their first date it looked like total love at first sight. But her initial shine wears off (because she doesn’t shower), we all learned that. Meanwhile Kaitlyn is definitely a fish out of water in this environment because she is guarded. But judging from the previews for the season, it looks like she’ll really “let her guard down” …if you know what I mean.
But we’re not going to have to worry about Britt’s fakeness, are we?
Yes. I will jump ahead, thank you very much. I’ll talk about Drunkle McDrunklestein and H0t-Tub-Car-Guy and Cupcake-Car-Cutie. I’ll get to that. But we gotta talk about the preview that – gasp – shows Kaitlyn maybe, possibly having sex with one of the guys and then ‘fessing up to everyone else that they would be sloppy seconds no matter what happened next. Two things. First, is a bachelor or bachelorette having sex really such a “shocker” on this show who’s very premise tip toes around polygamy and group sex? I mean, everything is “two-on-one” this and “group date” that and “fantasy suite” and everyone smashing face (aka kissing) from night-1. So we’re OK with all that, but that someone might give into a primal urge before the hallowed fantasy suite …for shame. You gotta be kidding. And I don’t believe what they showed us will happen will actually happen. Second point – dudes look out the window season and after season and see bachelorettes smashing face week after week, sometimes in plain site, and they usually rush in to get their own kisses. It’s like a giant saliva swap, with touching and groping, and everyone knows it. So don’t act like that …um …”home run” is a deal breaker. You’re on The Bachelorette. You just wish it’d been you who got their first.
What I’m saying is …I can’t believe it’s going to be as big of a deal as the previews say it will be.
I’m happy our Bachelorette will be Kaitlyn.
Now, let’s talk about some of the other best parts of the 2-night premier.
Drunkle Stiltskin – There’s always a drunk dude or chick on the first night, but not usually someone who might’ve drank themselves into a black-out. He was outta control like a frat-guy on a road trip. Out. Of. His. Mind. Maybe I’m forgetting, but they’ve never asked someone to leave due to inebriation, right? When he couldn’t figure out how to walk around the planter to talk with Chris, that was the best drunk moment ever shown on TV. And you could tell he was doing the deep breaths to take in more oxygen to try and hold it together with Chris Harrison, but then when Chris started talking, Drunk Dude forgot why he was doing all those deep breaths and his black-out brain just said, “hell with it” and he crawled into the limo bus. Do you know why we didn’t get any footage of him in the limo talking about his regret? Because I’m guessing he hit the bench in the van and immediately passed out. Classic.
Nashville Song-Writer (Brady) – Not often will anything on The Bachelorette be called “classy”, but when Britt left and he stood there in the rose ceremony and then graciously pulled Kaitlyn aside and admitted, he was kinda diggin’ Britt and would leave. That’s pretty cool. And he did it in a cool way.
Hot-Tub-Car-Guy (Shawn E.)- He’ll probably blame Drunk Guy for ruining his awesome entrance, but dude had male pattern baldness and was sweaty. He didn’t stand a chance. He’s the amateur sex coach, so I would’ve liked him around for a little bit longer. Oh, well.
Stripper-Guy (aka Josh)- He’s a law student and only strips to help pay for that. But …did you see all those tattoos? The guy might still be telling his parents, “hey, I’m just a few credits shy and saving up to take the bar,” but dude has zero interest in becoming a lawyer, for at least a decade.
Cupcake-Car-Cutie (Chris) – A dentist totally into Kaitlyn and I really want to know if that was his cupcake car or what’s up? Did ABC pull him aside and say, “hey, you wanna drive up in this cupcake car?” He’s gotta be an early favorite.
Speaking of early favorites, we’ll have to see if Ian and Shawn B. can keep their early lead. Each could flame out and become obsessive, possessive, and not be able to handle other guys crushing on Kaitlyn, but these two have made their intentions known. Along with Cutie-Dentist, it’s definitely these three and then everyone else.
What did I miss? What was your favorite part? Were you upset Britt didn’t get picked and won’t be watching? What did I miss? Don’t worry, I kept track of the dudes who were all Team Britt and yet not cool enough to admit it or bow out. I’ll be watching them like a hawk.
It’s going to be a great season. Welcome back, loyal readers. Welcome, new readers.
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Thanks for reading. See you next week.