It’s not often we get a “…To Be Continued” on The Bachelorette, and we should probably be upset about giving ABC 2-hours of our lives on Memorial Day and they leave us hanging without a Rose Ceremony, but let’s hope it’s worth it and the out-of-control meltdown and confrontation we’re going to get tonight will thrill and delight.
Two hours, and nothing all that interesting happened. Yes, there was boxing and a concussion for Creep-Facial-Hair-Guy (aka Jared). And normally, that would be enough to talk about. Because everything about taking a group of pretty-boys and making them box is a bad idea. But the foreshadowing we saw during this boxing-group-date we didn’t know we should be watching, was Kupah standing off all by himself, totally into training for his matches, and not all that into Kaitlyn at all.
That’s cool. Hey. Dude isn’t good on a group-date, and we sorta knew he was a Team-Britt guy and if something happened with Kiatlyn …organically and effortlessly, then, hey – he’d stick around. He seemed casual about the whole thing. Right? That’s what made the end of the episode when he stammered through Kaitlyn breaking up with him …it’s what made it so odd and painful to watch. And then he snapped!
But, before we talk Pit Bull (aka Kupah), let’s talk J.J.
JJ is the former investment banker which, I hypothesized before the season began, is even better than being an investment banker. Because when you are actively working as an investment banker, you can have money and toys and cars and expensive hobbies, but you’re still working. When you’re a “former investment banker”, what you’re telling people is (a) I was part of the collapse of the financial industry in the mid-2000s and can’t get a job because I lost my license or (b) I made sooooooooo much money and have so much in the bank, I don’t even have to work.
I’m betting he “former” because he got out of the biz with a fat bank account and a huge ego and he’s waiting for something else to come along. But if it doesn’t? Fuck it.
We’ll see if I’m right.
What we did learn about JJ is that, while he might be into Kaitlyn, he’s mostly into himself. The bachelors all agreed, as a group, that when Kaitlyn showed up, those that previously had group dates and one-on-one dates would stand aside and let those who hadn’t had much time with Kiatlyn to pull her aside first. JJ agreed, and then the minute Kaitlyn walked in, he pulled her aside. Not because he had anything really substantial to say (in their little one-on-one, he was awkward and forced), but only to cockblock the entire group and try and show he’s the ultimate Alpha Male.
He hurt his case. He had nothing to offer. He just kept saying how OK he was with “this whole thing” and Kaitlyn was like, “ok, um …well …um…”
Then JJ went back into the frat house and planted his flag in Asshole Mountain and tried to own the “I know you all hate me” place on the show but the dudes wouldn’t really engage. Man. Dude was tryin’ tooo hard. I called it in my pre-season Snap Judgements – I said we’d hate this dude, and we will, and he’s been hated for pretty much his whole life. The only thing that could make this worse is if we find out he’s Ivy League but didn’t really have the grades to get in, but his father’s a big doner and pulled some strings.
Kaitlyn is loose. We got teased during the opening week that she will sleep with some dude well before the Fantasy Suite. She’s quick with the make-out sessions, but more-so than previous chicks or dudes. Let the record show, I have no problem with any of it. She’s fun. So what? She is who she is. And if that’s a girl who likes to have a good time, this season will be better for it.
But the real surprise of the episode, as I’ve previously mentioned, was Kupah. Dude went from irrelevant to jackass to crazy in the course of the last 15-minutes of the show. we’ve seen his “game” before, but never escalated to the level he took it.
The “game” is for a guy (or girl when it’s The Bachelor) who didn’t get off on the right track, or make a good first impression, to finally get a one-on-one and try and turn the tables. Like, some guys go right to a sympathy card. Some guys can’t wait to talk about their ex-wife or their 4-year-old son. It’s a survival tactic for someone who knows they’re completely off the radar to get on the radar and get a rose, at least for one more week. The other tactic is to, as I said, turn the tables and make it like the Bachelorette, has been hard to read. Thereby, the bachelorette needs to go a little on the defensive and get a little aggressive so as not to seem like a cold-fish. Then, the dude who was pushing her away can quickly back track and start opening up and start talking about how happy he is to be on the show, and so glad they finally talked, and force some sorta awkward connection. Kupah tried this turn-the-tables tactic, but went right past turning the tables and into the turn-her-into-a-villain realm.
Until this moment, we saw he wasn’t into Kaitlyn, was more into the boxing training than trying to impress Kaitlyn, and when Kaitlyn pulled him aside, I think we all half expected him to be like, “hey, you’re a great girl, but I’m going to be a gentleman and kiss your hand and bid you farewell because you’re looking for love and we don’t have it.”
But …no! Kupah kept hammering on the fact she’s reserved and hard to get-t0-know and when she said, “you didn’t even talk to me on the group date, so I assumed you weren’t into me or this whole thing,” and Kupah snapped. “What,” he asked incredulously? He said, “I thought you had something against me.” (I’m paraphrasing).
He talked about how he doesn’t want to be there if he’s just some token black-guy. But then when he was asked to leave, he was defiant. Who does that? It was so obvious to them both there wasn’t a connection, it seemed like an amicable split waiting to happen. And the Kupah did something nobody’s ever done. He refused to leave. He said, “no.”
Then, went out and started talking shit about Kaitlyn to the other guys …and she was within earshot!!!
So Kaitlyn came up and said she didn’t need to wait for the Rose Ceremony and asked Kupah to leave and he still refused and didn’t understand what the problem was. Check that. He knew what the problem was – in his mind, it was Kaitlyn. She just needed time to realize how amazingly awesome Kupah is and she just doesn’t know what’s good for her.
He might’ve actually said that. ABC security people had to get him to leave.
Then …outside, we ended the show seeing him go off on the camera guy and producer and we see Kaitlyn still within earshot and she takes it upon herself to march outside and come to the defense of the camera man and producers and whatever.
Whoa! Total meltdown and if they weren’t going to give us a Rose Ceremony, that was a pretty good reason.
So we go the To-Be-Continued card and we were left hanging.
Tonight’s first 15-minutes had better be worth it. Or …or …well, nothing. It’s not like I’ll quit watching. And either will you.
See you later this week and we’ll talk about, finally, the second Rose Ceremony and some cast-offs.
Thanks for reading.
Follow me at @donkowalewski.