The Bachelorette has created for me quite a challenge. They’ve forced me to write a recap that pairs the words and phrases “gay relationship”, “group date”, “school-aged-children”, “sex education”, and “men wrestling.” Oh, and I’m also going to talk about “pot”. It’s not like any of those things are necessarily bad, but together in a single recap in a world where Google and the N.S.A. tie together everything we write or blog or Tweet, this could have a long-lasting impact on my Klout score or what happens when I someday seek employment somewhere and when they Google my name, all these things can pop up.

Wait. What if I speak in code?

Last week was among the more bizarre episodes you’ll ever see on The Bachelor or Bachelorette. For the second straight week, a group date involved men fighting each other – but this time instead of boxing, they were sumo-wrestling. The episode involved a group date where Kaitlyn took a group of guys to a local elementary school and the guys had to each take turns teaching a lesson on human sexuality to a group of grade-schoolers. And then there was Clint (aka Long-Haired Guy) falling in love with JJ, but not in the typical way we call something a bro-mance because they seem a little too chummy. No. We had a guy thanking another guy for popping the zits on his back in the shower, we had legs touching and cuddling on the couch, one guy writing a song and singing to another dude and, oh, there was the part where Clint said, “I didn’t expect to come on The Bachelorette and fall in love with one of the guys in the mansion.”

However, before we get to the parts that will put on the F.B.I. watch-list, we’ll start with Tony‘s quitting the show in a fit of rage, even though he’s supposed to be the sensitive, elder, “healer.” Many bloggers will probably say things like, “I’m sure Tony’s a nice guy, but …”. However, I won’t say that. Because I’m pretty sure that Tony is a jackass, and most people who know him think that, but Tony is convinced he’s totally in control of his emotions, he’s Zen, and it’s the world around him that’s out of control. I’m betting he’s had long, boring conversations about how our capitalistic society has it all wrong and that the rest of us are chasing the carrots and searching for gold to make us happy, but that everyone should look within for happiness. Meanwhile, Tony isn’t happy. In fact, Tony is downright angry. Like, all the time.

Two episodes ago, he was beside himself because JJ was acting like a dick. He just couldn’t let it go. Just kept trashing JJ, all the while describing himself as fair and open and go-with-the-flow. Then last week, when preparing for his sumo match, he was hyping himself up as intense and competitive and spiritual and wise and talking about how he was going to shock-the-world when battling the 600-pound Japanese wrestler because he himself was balanced and cunning. He was really into it and thought he was going to amaze everyone. Instead, the laws of physics won and the 600-pound human had no problem with the 200-pound human who hadn’t been leveraging his weight at world-class levels for years. You’d think a self-actualized man would simply try and enjoy the experience. Just enjoy a glimpse into another culture and discipline, no matter how odd it seems to the western world. It dates back for a millennium.

Instead, Tony proved to be an incredibly sore loser with, again, a wicked temper. And after being humiliated (which you’d think losing a sumo match to a sumo wrestler wouldn’t be as bad as simply being on this show), Tony tried to spin it that he’s not some barbarian who wants to battle it out for Kaitlyn’s hand and he just kept spiraling into deeper and deeper dark anger. My theory is that the guy’s a big pot head, and being on this show probably means he’s way down from his daily (or multiple times a day) weed smoking. He’s high strung, and pot (probably, I’m totally speculating) is the only thing that calms him. Which goes to my other theory about big weed smokers – they are either really, really high strung and temperamental and when they discovered pot at some point in their life, they fell in love with the serenity they could never find without it. In a way, it’s good for the rest of us they “took a chill pill.” Or, it speaks to my other theory – those who smoke too much pot lose the ability to control their emotions on their own without marijuana. Honestly – people I’ve met who smoke the most pot have the worst tempers.

Seriously. This is my theory.

So, Tony decides this whole thing and all this macho bravado is just too much for him and he packs up his suitcase and quits. And on most nights, that would be wild enough.

But not last Monday. The train-wreck was worse because the group-date involved a group of guys conducting sex-ed to elementary kids. I don’t care that these kids were paid actors (seriously …wanna know what’s wrong with Hollywood … when a “stage mom” or “stage dad” is so desperate to have their child on TV that they green-light a scenario where a woman dating 20+ men simultaneously, kissing and groping multiple men weekly, is OK. What’s that? These single men, all unmarried and actively pursuing a not-so-conventional dating environment (and possibly not even marriage), will be teaching sex-ed? Including describing the female anatomy and menstrual cycle? But my kid will be on TV, right? OK. Where do I sign?

Then again, at least they didn’t get their kid a guest spot on Disney Channel’s Jessie. That show’s actually worse than the scenario I just described.

What if, someday, one of the child actors who populated that classroom turns out to be a huge movie star and when they do a look-back on their early career, they’ll show highlights of them cringing during the lessons in the same way we always see John Travolta in that soap commercial? Seriously, though, I doubt we will.

As a fan of the show, the only redeeming value is we saw which of the dudes might be good with kids (in the most awkward way possible).

And now we come to the payoff. Clint fell in love with JJ. Not metaphorically or figuratively. But he actually is head over heels in love with JJ. But I think this might be as bizarre to Clint as it is to the rest of us. My guess is he’s bi-sexual and was before he came on this show. I say that because for a dude to discover he might be gay and just blow by that fact means, oh, he’s not struggling with that part at all. He’s just struggling with the idea he’s fallen for a guy, when he was supposed to be pursuing Kaitlyn. It’s 2015 and I’m an open-minded guy. It’s really OK that it happened, but what Clint did next is really strange (and horrible). If he were a relatively decent person, when he discovered he didn’t have any feeling for Kaitlyn, but did or JJ, you’d think the right thing to do would be (a) pull Kaitlyn aside and explain the situation. Explain to her that either (a) you’re bi-sexual or might’ve just discovered you’re gay, and graciously excuse yourself from the competition.

Clint did the worst thing he could do. He went an pretended to be into Kaitlyn, just so he’d be asked to stick around and get a rose so he could continue flirting with JJ. And I’d like to say definitively that JJ knows what’s going on, but I’m not sure JJ has enough brain cells to know what’s almost happening.

This recap was light on jokes, because despite everything being odd and uncomfortable, the “jokes” just wouldn’t be funny. I can’t joke about children being used like they were. I won’t make jokes about homosexuality. I made fun of Tony, a little. But I guess I’m waiting to see if we get a “punch line” tonight and if someone will tattle on Clint and Kaitlyn will confront him about his true intentions. Once again, for the second straight week, we got a to-be-continued and no rose ceremony. That’s never happened. But when you have a season where Kupah melted down and kicked-himself off the show, and then Tony melts down and quits the show, we’re losing dudes without rose ceremonies and we’ve still got drama and madness.

To be honest, the bizarre has made me even forget about the normal dudes who’ve connected with Kaitlyn and I’ve barely paid attention to the quality one-on-one dates. I guess that’s what ABC wants right now. If the entertainment value is coming from the freaks in the freak-show, we don’t need to see the circus, yet.

Will the Clint-JJ side-story end tonight? Will both sneak past her radar and stick around and keep this strange side-relationship going? It’s really moved past just some clever editing by ABC. It’s a real relationship, happening.

That’s about what we need to know and should be discussing. Thanks for reading. Share this with your Facebook friends and Twitter followers. See you later this week.

Follow me at @donkowalewski.

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