Can you believe we’re less than 12 hours from the premiere of The Bachelorette, Season 11? Has it really been 11 seasons? And can you name all eleven bachelorettes? Or, can you name all twelve? “Twelve,” you ask? Oh, yes. ABC is blowing our minds and because nobody was so impressive and spectacular last season while pursuing Chris “Dancing with the Stars” Soules, they went with the fake, crazy, no-showering, wears-make-up-to-bed Britt Nilson and the I-would-so-marry-her, cute-as-a-button, what’s-wrong-with-her-mouth, down-to-Earth, Canadian, Kaitlyn Bristowe. We’ll have plenty of time to talk about the girls all season – at least I think we will. I don’t think I’m going to completely understand why we have two bachelorettes and how long they’ll be around until Chris Harrison explains it. I’ve read they’ll both be dating everyone for a while and the dudes will vote which they like best, but I’m not sure it’s going to happen during these first two nights (a 2-night season premier spectacular) or 4 or 5 weeks down the road. We’ll have plenty of time, I think, to peel back the many layers of Britt’s and Kaitlyn’s damaged psyches, but for now, let’s talk about the damaged dudes who are so good looking, they could have any woman, yet feel the need to hit the reality-TV dating circuit to find a wife. LOL. OK. They don’t want a wife. They just want to “be the next Bachelor”, but let’s pretend this is like ancient times and they are competing for Britt’s and Kaitlyn’s hand in marriage and Chris Harrison is the father-of-the-bride with the expansive dowry.
I’m not far off, am I?
As is tradition around here at spunkybean, let’e do some snap-judging based on bios.
Ben H., 26, a software salesman from Denver, CO – Describes marriage as a “total sacrifice” and says it twice in his bio. It’s actually about falling in love and finding someone you enjoy being around. Not to sound all pie-in-the-sky, but when you find true love, it’s actually not that much sacrificing. It’s kinda cool and fun. Dude is going into this with a skewed outlook on love and dating.
Ben Z., 26, a fitness coach from San Jose, CA – His greatest accomplishment was passing the test that made him a certified fitness trainer. It’s like the bar exam, but with more questions about hydration and proper stretching techniques. Full disclosure: I’ve never take the bar, so I don’t really know. I’m thinking Ben Z. is a meat head. For new reader, a “meat head” for our purposes is a dude who still farts loudly for others to hear and laughs at his own fart.
Bradley, 25, an international auto shipper from Atlanta, GA – Two things throw up an early red flag. One, he’s looking for someone who can handle his “sarcasm” and I’ll need to see if his “sarcasm” is actually appropriate, or if he uses it to deliver back-handed compliments and understated personal attacks. Two, he says he’s the first in his family to graduate “university.” Might be a type-o, but is he really an American referring to “college” as “university.” Snob alert.
Brady, 33, a singer-songwriter from Nashville, TN – Is this Jimmy Fallon in disguise? Is he punking Jimmy Kimmel and ABC?
Chris, 28, a dentist from Nashville, TN – I knew by his smile he was either (a) a dentist or (b) an Osmond. He says in his bio the most outrageous thing he’s ever done is appear on national TV in only his underwear. Oh, I’ll bet he’s told that story about a hundred times too many. Oh, you never heard about the time I was on national TV …in my underwear? This is a great story …only to him.
Clint, 27, an architectural engineer from Chicago, IL – Something weird to me is the lack of Mikes, Bobs, Johns, and Bills. Does nobody under the age of 30 have a regular old fashioned name? I’m not sure “Clint” counts as an old-fashioned name, because outside of Eastwood and Black, nobody else on earth is named Clint. Except this guy. He says if he could be someone for just one day, he’d pick Chuck Norris “for obvious reasons.” Hmmmm. He’s either really funny, or just another “meat head” who would actually want to be Chuck Norris because he things Chuck Norris is awesome and not because he finds it funny that when Chuck Norris does a push-up, he’s actually pushing the earth down.
Corey, 30, an investment banker from New York, NY – I’m going to reserve judgement here because I need to know what type of investment banker he is. Is he the look-at-me my watch costs more than you make in a year-type, or just a guy who likes the market and has a knack for money and finance. Two very different dudes do investment banking. There’s no middle ground. No exceptions. He’s either going to be the biggest a-hole ever, or totally interesting and saving up to buy a boat and sail around the world …not so you notice, but because he’s found a way to make money and he knows exactly what he wants with that money and what will make him happy. Not the money, btw.
Cory, 35, a residential developer from Pearland, TX – The grandpa award goes to Cory. 35 years old? He might as well have grey hair and a cardigan sweater. Seriously. These girls aren’t going to be into him …like, at all.
Daniel, 28, a fashion designer from Nashville, TN – Fashion designer? And he’s in search of a girl to fall in love with? OK. I’ll stop generalizing …but …look at that shirt and that well-maintained facial hair. Just sayin’ …he might learn something about himself on this adventure. Orrrrrr, he’s going to use this entire experience to push his fashion line.
David, 28, a real estate agent from Orlando, FL – I hear the housing market is hot in Florida. If you know what I mean. David wants to have lunch with Brad Pitt to hear crazy stories and I think he thinks Brad Pitt is playing himself in the Ocean’s 11, 12, and 13 movies and David secretly wants to join the gang for Oceans 14 when they knock over a Swiss bank – brilliantly.
Ian, 28, an executive recruiter from Los Angeles, CA – In Ian’s bio, when asked if he could have lunch with anyone, he says Jimmy Kimmel. Brown noser …or, did I just find an Easter Egg in the bios and am I supposed to do something with that. Like Tweet it, or leave a comment, and I’ll be invited to Hollywood to appear on The Bachelorette?
Jared, 26, a restaurant manager from Warwick, RI – I”ll bet dude wishes he could take another picture, and not have this as his bio picture that makes him look, um, like he just finished working a late shift at the restaurant. It’s like he just took off the hair net. And, yes, I realize a restaurant manager, especially if it’s a nice restaurant, doesn’t wear a hair net …those hair-net folks are called lunch ladies. Don’t like my jokes? Get your own blog. Ooooooh. I”m an aggressive shock-blogger. Let’s fight in the Comments of this blog entry.
JJ, 32, a former investment banker from Denver, CO – Another investment banker. And this is the investment banker we’re going to immediately hate. He was QB of his high school football team, I guarantee it. And then he went on to become an investment banker, well, a “former” investment banker. Because, ya know, how many millions does a guy really need? And ask him the most outrageous thing he’s ever done …ask him…go ahead. It was the time he won $20,o00 on a college football bet. Ah, bro. Go big or go home. Yup. Dude won $20,000 on a college football bet. That story is only told so you know how little money means to him. It’s just paper.
Joe, 28, an insurance agent from Columbia, KY – His bio talks about his dead grandmother. You know my feelings about dead grandmothers, right? The majority of people have them. It’s a sad reality, and all of our grandmothers were amazing, and kind, and could cook. I have a gut feeling he’s going to use the “dead grandmother” card early and often. This will sound harsh, but a dead mother or dead sister is something life-changing and shakes one’s faith. I really hope he’s not the, “hey, can we talk, I need to tell you something” type guy and he’ll tell the girls about his grandmother. We’ll see.
Jonathan, 33, an automotive spokesman, Detroit, MI – Wait. I’m from Detroit. And this guy’s an automotive spokesman? Are we sure he’s not just a model who works at the Auto Show and talks about the cars? Spokesman?
Josh, 27, a laws student and exotic dancer, Chicago, IL – I just spit pop all over my computer screen. He’s putting himself through college by stripping? Ya know, call me a chauvinist, but when a woman says it, I don’t believe it and think, “stripper for life” and “future prostitute.” But when a dude says it, I think, hey, good for him. I’m kidding. He’s equally pathetic. And I don’t believe for a minute he’s going to law school.
Joshua, 31, an industrial welder from Kuna, ID – Mr. Blue Collar 2015. He climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro. But he also says if he could be a superhero, he’d be The Invisible Man and follows with, “so I could listen to conversations in a room full of women.” Buzzzz. Wrong answer. The only acceptable answers are (a) sneak into a woman’s shower, (b) sneak into a sorority, or (c) knock over a Vegas casino.
Justin, 28, a fitness trainer from Naperville, IL – Did every guy in half-way decent shape read the same “leave your job and pursue your passion” book and now everyone and his brother is a “fitness trainer?” He’s a fitness trainer who wants to work for a company that employs fitness trainers. Meat. Head.
Kupah, 32, an entrepreneur from Boston, MA – Hey. So his parents were big fans of Super Mario and Nintendo. If it weren’t for my wife, my son might be named Han or Lando. So I’m not going to sit here and laugh at his name. It’s the second coolest name any dude could have, behind only “Zelda.”
Ryan B., 32, a realtor from Wellington, FL – Actually sounds like an interesting fellow, and I base that solely on the fact he rode a bike from Florida to California for a dog rescue. That’s cool. He likes dogs. Chick likes dudes who like dogs.
Ryan M, 28, a junkyard specialist from Kansas City, MO – Don’t sleep on a junkyard specialist. Dude could make major bank and put the two investment bankers to shame. The wealthiest convention I ever attended was in Vegas and full of junkyard and scrapyard owners. Just sayin’. He could be the next Chris Soules.
Shawn B., 28, a personal trainer from Windsor Locks, CT – Another personal trainer. Like I said. What book did they read? Quit your job. Follow your passion. “Training” is not a passion. It’s something dudes in their 20s want to do because they can’t sit still and still feel invincible. To think …this dumb thought crossed my mind at one point.
Shawn E., 31, an amateur sex coach from Ontario, Canada. There has never been and never will be a better bio and occupation than “amateur sex coach” on any reality TV show, ever. And is he one step below a sex-coach who coaches professionals (i.e. porn stars) and he only coaches sex for regular folks? Or is this more like a hobby? Or, like, he’s still in college and hasn’t made the decision to “go pro”. Oh, that’s right. You didn’t know I could make a Nintendo and Super Mario joke and then go all sportsy on you? I just have this conversation in my head where a husband comes and sees him and says, “I”m having trouble bringing my wife to orgasm,” and as an amateur sex coach, and not a professional, he suggests, “take her for ice cream. Girls like ice cream.” Such an amateur. This should make for the best one-on-one conversations among the other bachelors and, if he makes it past the first night, with Britt and Kaitlyn when he explains what he does, and what he plans to do when he gets his Sexologist Degree and opens his own practice. Hi, Mom. This is my fiance. He’s a sex coach. Sex therapist? Oh, no. Sex counselor? Nope. A coach, Mom. He’s a coach. Hi, misses so-and-so. I’m Shawn. If I can give you and Mr. So-and-So some coaching, please don’t hesitate to ask.
I must stop before I use up all my sex coach jokes before the season …premature joke-ulation. I could go all night …hence …no need for a coach …if you know what I mean.
OK. Really. I’m done.
Tanner, 28, an auto finance manager from Kansas City, MO – Based on his shirt, his bio, and haircut, I’m just going to throw it out there that this dude is boooooooring. They ain’t called “snap judgements” for nothing.
Tony, 35, a healer from St. Louis, MO. A “healer.” Like Wolverine? Is he thousands of years old? It’s like a fish-out-of-water sketch I wrote for my comedy class. What if a superhero was on The Bachelorette? I hope he has metal talons and cuts someone.
And those are the guys. That was exhausting. I guess for two bachelorettes, you need lots a dudes. I’m looking forward to a great season.
Follow me at @spunkybean and I’ll Tweet random #Bachelorette news items and mid-week observations as well as some LIVE-Tweeting.