Tonight we begin the 19th season of Survivor, and as spunkybean does with all (well, most) reality shows, we take a look at the pictures and brief bios of the contestants to be and we quickly size them up. Let me be brief - because I didn't pay for a coffee or order anything and it's only a matter of time before they ask me to leave. The only difference between a homeless person and me at a Starbucks is the laptop.

ASHLEY - Describes herself as "flirty", "competitive cheerleader", and "gets whatever she wants." She's pretty. This is the girl who'll be in the top-5, or will all but quit during this first show when the first rat runs across her face at night. No middle ground, I'm guessing.

BEN - Manages a bar for a living in L.A., but he's a country boy and is often seen with a girl on each arm, claiming he's never been rejected. “I’m one of those people that just get lucky for some reason, if I want it, I do what I have to do to get it.” He and the cheerleader might hit it off. Or, like Coach from last season who claimed to have escaped the torture chamber of South American river terrorists, he could just be a nerdy bartender who bangs the waitresses where he works, which makes his womanizing as impressive as a tech support guy claiming that girls "call me all the time."

BETSY - "Dreamed of being a cop her whole life" and at age 47, finally became one. She, I guess, bought a Crown Victoria, painted the word "police" on the side, and then got a badge from a dollar store and ...viola! A cop. No, I guess she's actually a cop and I'll be hoping all season she says "anything you say may be used against you." That would be cool.

BRETT - Mr. Handsome from L.A. designs t-shirts ...and not the "I'm with Stupid" and "Kissing Booth" with arrows pointing left, right or towards one's crotch. Nope. I guess he designs t-shirts for charity. I only skimmed his bio, but his "charity" is about promoting healthy body image. Well, if one of the challenges this season is t-shirt design, he'd be a good tribemate.

"DANGER" - aka "Dave". "Danger" grew up in a family full of preachers and ministers and got his bachelor's degree in Opera, but he says we shouldn't be fooled, and he's a rebel and has a fiery personality. And if you think singing B-sharp when you should be singing C-flat is rebellious, and unconditional forgiveness as learned through the teachings of Jesus is fiery, here's my advice - don't watch this show. It's the Devil's playground.

ELIZABETH - An attorney from New York ...and with that, I didn't have to read another word. My guess is she doesn't take shit from anyone, she's going to be smarter than everyone, and her stylist, personal trainer, and her two pugs all told her she'd be "awesome." I bet she once said something really clever to a guy in a bar once and then poured her drink over his head, and everyone was all, like, "ooooooooh, snap.  You go girl." This is Survivor, not Sex and the City, and she's gonna cry.

ERIK - Begins his bio by saying he's a proud womanizer and loves taking women from other men. I'll nickname him "Choad" right here and now, because his bio continues with his hobby of "skirt chasing". Hey, Peter Pan. Look out, it's Captain Hook and he's shooting cannon balls at you. Fly to the top of the ship's mast and challenge him to a duel. But make sure you douse yourself in Drakkar Noir, ya Choad. Crap. He's going to win, isn't he? Dammit.

JAISON - Now, this is a guy I can get behind. From the midwest, was given a Congressional recommendation to join the Air Force or Naval academy, but instead went to Stanford to pursue his law degree and now finds himself back in Chicago. And because I'm snap judging, I just have a feeling this is a guy who's going to emerge as a leader without trying. But, he'll be on the weak tribe and they'll vote him out because he's a threat. It'll probably be that Ashley bitch that leads that charge. Bitch. I hate her already.

JOHN - He definitely ain't no rocket scientist ...oh ...what? He is? I guess he's a Rocket Scientist. And not the kind you launch with salt water, vinegar, and baking powder. I guess there really are rocket scientists. He's handsome, was a former professional soccer player, and is a documented genius ...I hate him only because on paper and anecdotally, he's completely superior to me. I hope a womanzing bar tender or womanizing womanizer takes him down a peg.

Yeesh, there's lots of contestants. Did they change something this season?

KELLY - Really hot. A hairstylist. And philosopher. She's a "free spirit" with an "edgy twist" who "lives life to the fullest" and ...yes, I know. She's not taking any jobs from the unemployed in this country and Obama's health plan and your tax dollars will cover her and her tattoo'd boyfriend who can't seem to find work as a professional skateboarder. I know. That sounds cruel, I guess ...but it isn't like she'd ever realize I was talking about her if I was reading this bio to her personally as she blond-tipped my coif.

LAURA - 39-year-old grandmother who's been married 21-years ...uh, what? I'm not doing the math on it, but this seems biologically impossible. And, if you look at her picture, "grandma" seems physically and theoretically impossible. But, I'll play along. When she's crying about missing her grandchildren and if they show up in a video care package-message thingy, I'll be touched.  I guess CBS was just hell bent on having a "grandma" win Survivor, so they might get one on a technicality.

MARISA - She Appalachian from somewhere in rural Ohio and comes from a home with 8 brothers and sisters. How is it possible she has all her teeth? And that she's not wearing overalls? Or that she has freckles and is married to her cousin? This is blowing my stereotypes to hell. This is the unassuming pretty-girl who doesn't think her good looks will get her everything in life and I see her sticking around a while. For those Celebrity Apprentice viewers ...I'm going on record and saying she's the "Annie Duke" of this year's Survivor.

MICK - A doctor and a near perfect male specimen. Yet, unlike that rocket scientist dude, he doesn't threaten my own masculinity as much. He's a doctor, too, that doesn't appreciate unhealthy people. I'm sure there's more to that bio blurb, but it's enough to know if you get sick, he's going to chastise you. I love that. A real life Dr. House.

MIKE - 62-year-old personal chef, unmarried, without kids who loves hangin' out, hates bad-drivers and Republicans. Long story short ...he's 62. And in the real world, that's cool. On an island where you can be exiled without food, water, or shelter ...sorry bud, you'll be among the least remembered Survivor people of all time ...unless you kill someone or something in the first few weeks. (fingers crossed)

MONICA - Another law student, another Californian, and judging from her bio photo, far too skinny starting off the season to last. She's counting on her looks and flirty charm to get her where she wants to go, but when more than half the contestants have the same goals and ideas, this is going to look too much like The Real World, I think.  Luckily ...starvation and sleep deprivation have a way of minimizing one's sexuall desires and when the quest for food becomes priority number one, things change fast. I love when that happens.  Oh, and Monica ...general rule of thumb is that there's only enough room for one pretty, flirtatious girl on any reality show at any time. My money's on that bitch Ashley (see above).

NATALIE - "Friendly and savvy" are two assets she thinks her fellow Survivor cast mates will pick up on right away. I noticed two other assets first. And if she was having a conversation with me, I'd have a hard time looking her in the eye. I'm a pig. I'd never, ever, ever write her name to vote her off. Just sayin'.

RUSSELL - 5'6", built like a brick house, married with four kids, this is a dude who doesn't have to say, "I'm a badass, don't mess with me", but it'll be implied. The father thing is appealing, but the broken tooth he won't fix and his preconceived notion that he's going to show all "these morons" how Survivor is played makes me think I may not like him, actually. He's also the "I'm not out there to make friends" person, and I always like when contestants start off with that mindset. Throw a rainy night at them and spooning with a dude for warmth, and that always seems to change. Make friends, Russel? ...you'll need 'em on the jury, strong-guy.

RUSSELL, PT. 2 - Another Russell? What? The CBS producers don't talk? And, another attorney? Everyone's an attorney, I guess. He's tall and "solid", has a wife and five year old daughter ...yawn. OK. I make fun of the "win at all costs" and "I don't make friends" type players, but in the end, I guess they are more interesting than the "I'm going to make friends and have fun" types. I dig Russel's hair. I'm going to call him Predator.

SHANNON - 45-year-old ex- Marine Sergeant. Every time she mentions that fact, you have to drink. And when she can't do something a Marine should be able to do, you can pick someone else to drink. If anyone else on the cast - all those stupid lawyers, bartenders, and sales reps - says, "Semper Fi" or "you can't handle the truth", it's an "all-drink" and everyone playing the Survivor drinking game with you has to slam their beer. Any other Marine cliches or movie references, and anyone outside of Jaison who acts like they could even think about being a Marine or that they could hack it, you have to kiss whomever is sitting to your left. I hope Sgt. Shannon is around awhile.

YASMIN - Originally from Detroit - yay! a fellow Michigander and Detroiter - she's going to be the mouthy one. Does she aspire to be Omarosa ...yeesh, I hope not. She's a hairdresser living in L.A. Sorry, Yasmin, that alphabetically you are last ...I have nothing left.

There you go.  A record setting number of contestants start tonight's 19th season, and I can't confirm that's a record or that this is the 19th season, but it seems right.  Check back often to spunkybean where I'll break down every episode and who looks like the stink the least each week.

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