The Bachelor: Blondes Vs. Brunettes

Before we get down to business here in our weekly battle between the blondes and brunettes I have a few general points I need to discuss. First of all, as the resident fashion expert at spunkybean, I would be doing you all a disservice to not ask who in God’s name is outfitting these girls? Whoever it is is turning some southern belles into ladies of the night, I tell ya. I have questioned this for a while, but it wasn’t until this season that I absolutely decided these girls were not dressing themselves; they must have a stylist. Correction, a terrible stylist. And judging by the super tight club dresses all I can assume is this stylist came from Vegas. There is nothing else that could explain why a girl next door like Kasie B. or a local family dental hygienist would continue to emerge for cocktail parties in sequins and lame. I say let the girls wear their own clothes… they certainly couldn’t do much worse….

…..and on to the final point of business… sure we’ve all heard of phallic structures before, but what is up with this hotel that looks like a gaping wide vagina? Obscene really…. see for yourself…

Now that I’ve been thoroughly disgusting… best we move on to the competition. Here’s a reminder of the players:

Team Brown: Blakeley, Courtney, Jamie, Kasie B, Nicki
Team Yellow: Casey S., Emily, Lyndzi C., Rachel

+1 Team Brown: And the award for sole Survivor goes to… Kasie B.
Wait a minute, do I have the wrong show? This isn’t Survivor: Panama? Then what the shit kinda date did Ben treat Kasie B. to this week? Ok, I get it, the producers are trying to get across the point that he’s rustic and manly and soooo not caught up in material things… but did Kasie B. really have to spend her date collecting berries and taking a machete to coconuts? Crappy date aside, Kasie B. really bucked up and made the best of it… like really made the best of it. She didn’t seemed phased at all. Then again they were drinking champagne. Funny how that made it on their ‘stranded island’ when it wasn’t one of either of their three objects.

-1 Team Brown: Ben refers to little boys playing soccer in loin cloths as “pretty cute”
Let’s just be careful here, Ben, I think we all know what you meant, but the fact that this quote aired while little native Panamanian boys ran around with digitally inserted underpants makes ya look slightly like a pedaphile.

+1 Team Brown: I learn to love Courtney in a Michelle Money type of way
So right after Ben makes his questionable remarks, the girls exit their canoe for a cultural group date with a Panamanian tribe. The girls are whisked away by female tribe members and dressed up in traditional garb. Of course, Courtney is the only one who decides to go sans bikini under her new completely see-through duds. Naturally, the rest of the ladies are in a tizzy and Court only further angers them by stealing Ben away all day and periodically shaking her nearly naked baby ta-ta’s in his face. Whatever.. at this point I think she’s funny. Even funnier than that was later in the evening when she went to take a dip in the pool during Jamie’s one on one time with Ben… and I thought that moment was awkward… if only I had known what was to come….

-1 Team Brown: Rule #1 of dating- it never pays to be a stalker (sorry Blakely)
Guess someone’s Netflix queue never quite made it to He’s Just Not that into you before heading out to the mansion. It case there are other girls out there who are as equally as clueless as Blakely, let me spell it out for you: Guys Don’t like girls who chase after them. Even more so, they don’t like girls who made little scrapbooks of their dates… especially when they’ve only ever been on 3 dates during which at least 10 other girls were present. If you don’t heed my warning and do go so far as to make a creepy scrapbook, I think it’s best not to cut out words from magazines… this is something only scary serial killers do on ransom notes so their own handwriting can’t be detected.

-1 Team Yellow: Casey S. with the surprise fake out
Woah, am I the only person who leading up to this episode thought we were about to hear about a family death? I have honestly never seen any Bachelor contestant cry as violently as Casey S. after she got the news from Chris Harrison that some shitty friends of hers had outed the fake that she was still in love with her ex. After seeing the preview of her crying for weeks, I was literally floored. I was expecting something heavy… really heavy… like a dead dad or pet gerbil. A stupid ex-boyfriend in no way seemed worth all that dry heaving. All it leaves me to say is this… get it together girl!!! You clearly went on this show to make your ex jealous. Now he’s going to see this footage of you crying…. mission totally NOT accomplished. This dumb Michael character has officially won. My guess is Casey will get back together with him the second her plane hits the ground. So much for sticking to her guns on the marriage thing.

+1 Team Brown: Jamie goes (as Ben says) “From zero to 60..” and creates the most awkward moment in Bachelor History
Though it seems something to award negative points for, I’m going to go in the opposite direction. I’d say it’s quite a feat to create hands down the most uncomfortable moment in the history of the entire show. Especially since this show is oftentimes more uncomfortable than it is comfortable. I never expected a girl who said nothing all season other than “I’m just not really comfortable with all the cameras” at the cocktail party on week 2 to straddle Ben like a rodeo horse by week 5. Clearly she’s not very good at reading people, because had she been, the bachelor’s lack of interest in said straddling would have been enough to prevent her from giving him a french kissing lesson.

Team Brown 1 point
Team Yellow -1 point
Team Brown Wins!

Shocker.. Team Brown wins yet again. At this point Lyndzi is team yellow’s only real hope… maybe that’s why I’ve turned the corner enough this week to at least say she’s not as terrible as Tenley… I might even say I like her at times (kinda). Though I think she’s the only blonde with staying power , she’ll probably only make it to the top 3. My predictions say both Rachel and Emily will get kicked of next week before hometowns… then Nicki, followed by Lyndzi. Who wins it all though is a tough call between Kasie B and Courtney. Guess we’ll have to keep watching to see just how good my crystal ball is working…until then…

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