The Bachelor, Episode 2: The Sonoma Primaries

I’m happy that first night cocktail is behind us and we’re past the small talk and we quickly booted off the ugly and the boring girls. Sorry, boring girls. The Bachelor isn’t the place for you, even if bachelor Ben is the kinda boring, himself.

Recall that this season I’m using The Bachelor to help me decide who’ll get my (our) vote as next President of the United States. I’ve divided the girls into Democrats and Republicans based on their profession, city of origin, and behavior. Because 2012 is an election year, it just felt fitting. Plus, I refused to believe that The Bachelor’s only redeeming value was making me cry and believe in love, again. The second episode usually allows us to get to know the good, the bad, and the horrible people. We see claws come out, we see sweetness overpowered, we see strategy, and we start to fall in love. Just like we’ll do in the Iowa Caucuses, the New Hampshire Primaries, and the South Carolina Republican Steel Cage Match.

It’s a perfect parallel. We’ll have front runners, online campaigning, backstabbing, gossip, and we’ll question their background? Am I talking about Mitt Romney, Ron Paul, Rick Santorum, and Rick Perry? Or am I talking about Blakeley, Kacie B., Samantha, and Courtney? See . . . it’s like totally the same.

Let’s talk about last night. It was a night of real crying, fake crying, and crazy crying. It was a one-act play (figuratively and literally). It was a musical (but with no singing). Actually, it was a 5-act play …crap. Forget that analogy.  We had two 1-on-1 dates, and one group date. We had a relatively drama-free rose ceremony.

Kacie B. (Republican) got the first one-on-one date and it went well. It’s like Michele Bachman having an early lead and winning the Ames Straw Poll some 144 days ago. Just like in politics, having an early lead means nothing.  Then again, she revealed on their date she twirls a baton and has led a few parades in her day, so maybe that’s good symbolism. Kacie B. is definitely waaaaay out front because of this date because where they shared home movies – on the first date. Early on, I think the knock against Kacie B. will be how nice she is. Even nice-guy Ben is still male. When 10 gorgeous women with perfect bodies start throwing themselves at him, Kacie B. will be like his high school sweetheart that he broke up with in college and then went crazy, but later he’ll hope she’s still available and pining for him, and he can hook up with her now that he’s sowed his wild Bachelor oats.

Here’s what’s impressive (or I’m easily fooled). ABC somehow gathered home videos from everyone, or even the 20 girls who survived the opening cocktail party, and then when Ben picked Kacie B. for the first date, they threw a video montage together. Nice work, ABC.

Why did Sonoma appear to be evacuated during their date?

Speaking of leading parades, the group date parade was led by Blakeley’s boobs, er, I mean was lead by Blakeley (Republican). The girls had to perform in front of children and make animal sounds, dance, and pretty much make fools of themselves. Hmmm …a bunch of people forced to go onstage and be asked questions that sound as if they were written by elementary school children …what does that sound like? Republican Primaries, anyone?

Ya know, this idea of using The Bachelor to elect our next President is one of the best ideas I ever had.

After they’d all auditioned for different roles, they had to perform some sort of play about a prince, farm animals, and witches …I think. I was flipping between the BCS Championship Game and The Bachelor during this point in the show, because when children are present on the show, I know nothing good is going to happen. Though some of those kids were pretty funny when ripping on the desperate women.

“Truly wonderful, the mind of a child is.” -Yoda

But when I checked back, the play was over and the pool party was on. Blakely (aka The VIP Cocktail Waitress) was annoying all the girls by obsessing over the rose, but Ben’s into her.

Samantha, meanwhile, was hiding in the bathroom because Blakeley so annoyed her. Until last night I had her undecided, but because I pegged Blakely a Republican, and Samantha really hates Blakeley, I’m making Samantha a Democrat.

The Readhead (aka Jennifer, Republican) got some kissing time, and made The VIP Cocktail Waitress really jealous, so she jumped into the pool with Ben and smashed face. Which made the Redhead jealous because, well, 5 minutes earlier they were smashing face.

Blakeley got the group date rose. So The Redhead cried. And then all the girls hated on Blakeley. Why? Because she’s slutty looking and waits on wealthy businessmen for a living, so somehow she was able to slut her way to a rose? I think the girls overreacted. If I had to guess, Blakeley is great in quick spurts. She welcomes you and tells you the specials. She flirts just enough to make her customers think they’re funny and the most handsome men she’s ever waited on. She laughs at their jokes, and tells a few of her own. She’s likely told those jokes a half-dozen times that night already. The guys eat their steaks and drink their wine and she makes them believe they might be able to slip her their hotel key and she might actually have sex with them. But she doesn’t, but that’s why she’s good at what she does. They tip 25% and order extra bottles of wine. And . . . they come back again the next time they have to entertain clients. Management (ABC) loves her because she gives the restaurant (show) so much character. Eventually, though, the newness wears off and one night she just won’t seem as pretty as she used to, and her jokes will start to sound tired, or you’ll notice you’re hearing the same jokes again. And she still hasn’t slept with you. And the food at that place isn’t even that good, and everyone seems to be raving about that new steak house that serves steaks on a cutting board instead of plates and ohmigosh …she’s 34 years old. Look at those crows feet? How did I not notice that, before?

So you, me, and Ben will move on once we realize a haggard VIP Cocktail waitress is fun for a while, but certainly not a gal you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Courtney (Replican, Model) got the next one-on-one date. Ben fell head over heels for her, but I feel sorry for her. I wonder if modeling has rotted her brain. Like, I wonder if she even knows who she is anymore. Ben kept asking, “is this too good to be true?” and the answer is, yes …yes it is. Courtney is the equivalent of a RomCom (Romantic comedy). She’s a model, so she spends her life looking a certain way. And because of this, she’s taken this approach to life. She looks a certain way. She acts a certain way. She’s playing the part of a “model girlfriend.” Problem is, I’m not buying any of it. Me and the girls in the house aren’t buying it, that is. Courtney is going to be around a while, and even though everyone in the house is going to hate her, Ben won’t care. He’s going to be approached by all the blondes who’ll tell him why Courtney (and Blakeley) are awful, but he’s not in the mansion, so he won’t see it, and he’ll keep giving them roses.

On to the final cocktail party and rose ceremony.

The Horse Riding Girl (aka Lindzi, Republican) stole some time and she’s pretty great – well, at least she benefited by getting zero screen time this week.

Jenna (Blogger, Makes Duck Faces) is a Democrat – because she cried a lot. She got some one-on-one time during the final cocktail party and proceeded to tell Ben, “I’m a man.” Well, that’s not exactly what she was going for, but she failed to really string sentences together, and she was trying to say she’s not a typical girl, and not into the drama and cat-fighting, but she didn’t quite say it. And then this drama-hatin’ girl went and threw herself onto a bed and cried. That’s sorta the definition of drama …and I know drama …I have two daughters. Throwing themselves onto their bed, or a couch, or the floor is like right outta Chapter 1 of The Guide to Girl Drama. And for her drama, she was sent home, and she wigged out and bawled. I really wanna see her audition tape and what the producers saw that convinced them to put her on.

Last night was about Blakeley, Courtney, Kacie B., and Samantha. Blogs everywhere will be telling you how ratings are down slightly for The Bachelor and it might be because Ben isn’t exciting and not all that good-looking, but that’s to be expected. We’ve had two seasons of watching a Bachelor and Bachelorette we hate (Brad Womack and Ashley), but now we have a bachelor we actually like-like, so that’s never good for ratings. And if early returns are any indication, this normal/nice guy might actually be leaning towards a non-psycho-non-whore like Kacie B. Who wants to see that? Not good for TV. But we’ll see. It’s a long season and we’ve got 12 more hours of The Bachelor to get crazy.

So here’s what I think we have left for Ben. I hope your favorite candidate is still alive and I hope you’ll join me again next week, and I hope you’ll share this awesome recap on Facebook or Twitter, or print it and post it in your break room. See you next week.

Democrats

Samantha (Hates Blakeley)

Jenna (Blogger, Makes Duck Faces)

Rachel (Smokey-Voice, Messed-Up-Teeth, Might-be-a-Man, New York)

Jamie (Nurse, from New York)

Nicki

Elyse

Monica (Dental Consultant, Lesbian-sort-of, Utah)

Emily (Breath-Spray-Girl, Medical Something, The-Rapper)

Jaclyn (Hippo-Face)

Republicans

Courtney (Model, California, Shwarzenegger Republican)

Brittney (Brought-her-Grandma)

Lindzi (Horse-Girl, First-Impression-Rose, Seattle)

Blakely (VIP Cocktail Waitress)

Shawn (Big-Boobs, Green-Dress)

Kacie B. (Receptionist, Tennessee)

Jennifer (Red Head, Accountant)

Gun-Shooting-Chick (What was her name? Someone help me out.)

Undecided

Casey S.

Erika

Don Kowalewski is the world’s foremost authority on The Bachelor, American Idol, dating, relationships, marriage, coffee, blogging, social media, and much, much more. Check back every week to discuss The Bachelor. ‘Like’ spunkybean on Facebook. Follow @donkowalewski and @spunkybean on Twitter. For daily blog reading about whatever’s on Don’s mind, check out his personal blog, Kaleidoscopic Raygun.

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