The Bachelor, Episode 3: Shawntel Loves Ben; Everyone Hates Shawntel

Did I miss the part of The Golden Globes on Sunday night where The Bachelor won “Best TV Show, Ever!”? Because I was watching The Golden Globes and I saw all sorts of crappy things winning awards (like Madonna’s song, for example) and The Bachelor seemed to be unfairly overlooked. I have a good mind to boycott that show, next year. It seems like it’s just a buncha Hollywood elite celebrating each other and their work, instead of a true celebration of art and talent.

Well, those of us who watch The Bachelor understand how great this show is, so those snobby famous people can have their scripts, and their unions, and their stories, and their writers, and their originality and us …we’ll stick with 16 girls falling all over themselves to stay on TV for one more week.

This week, nobody did much to change whether I thought they were Republican or Democrat, but I’m still going to stick with my plan to choose my next President based on the political affiliations I’ve assigned to the girls based on their behavior or their professions. But I did put Shawntel into the Republican camp because of the way she thinks rules don’t apply to her and she just skipped on into the mix in the third week. Where were you on the first night, Shawntel?

The Bachelor stayed in San Francisco and we got to see Ben‘s sister. I like her. I’m going to try and Friend her on Facebook today. Could Ben’s sister be the next Bachelorette? Would I take time to learn her name if she was, or would I always call her “Ben’s sister?”

16 girls remained at the beginning of last night, and there’d be group dates and one-on-one dates, and group-date roses, and one-on-one date roses.

Emily got the first one-on-one date, and on their date, she and Ben climbed to the top of the Bay Bridge. One man’s dream date is another man’s terrorist plot. How does ABC get away with that crap? I’m pretty sure when I went to San Francisco, the touristy things to do involved going to Alcatraz, visiting the vineyards, eating at The French Laundry, and riding on a trolly car. I, of course, would’ve climbed to the top of the Bay Bridge had that been a choice, but it wasn’t.

Lo and behold, Emily was afraid of heights. Are all bachelorettes pre-screened prior to coming on the show so ABC is fully aware of all their phobias, early childhood traumas, and major insecurities? I’m guessing inside the mansion at least a dozen of the remaining girls would be waaaay into climbing the Bay Bridge – but they pick the girl who’s going to spazz out. However, she rallied, smashed face with Ben mid-climb, and made it to the top …and then, she got all awesome and started waxing philosophic. She showed more original thought than all of the girls who’ve ever been on this show combined. When she was afraid of climbing higher, she forged ahead and compared it to a relationship – that you will probably find yourself afraid of moving forward and taking risk, but if you want to get someplace great, you need to conquer your fears. Then, once at the top, she lamented that a bridge is something that brings two things together, and hopefully this experience and this date would be a bridge between she and Ben.

Whoa …are we sure she’s not the blogger? The blogger couldn’t even form complete sentences, and this chick is writing lines for a screenplay. I’m thinking it’s a movie where Billy Crystal chases Meg Ryan to the top of the Bay Bridge and they declare their endless love for each other as Simon & Garfunkel’s “Bridge Over Troubled Water” plays while the credits roll. Um, I’m trying to think how a RomCom would get Meg Ryan on the Bay Bridge and I’m having trouble with that … maybe she was so heart broken she was going to climb it and jump off? No. Why would she climb to the top. Oh …I know … she’s a street smart con woman (jewel thief, maybe) who can’t leave her life of crime and the movie ends with her breaking up with Billy Crystal because she knows she’s no good for him, but her old criminal friends still want the money she swindled them out of so as she’s trying to escape the bad guys. Billy Crystal is heart broken, of course, but was mad she pretended to be something she wasn’t and when Meg Ryan told him that she was a jewel thief, he ended it. Right. He breaks up with her. That works better. But, he realizes he loves her so much, he’s willing to put aside his fear of heights and her sordid past, and climbs up to save her. Do the bad guys fall to their death? Or does Billy Crystal do a little accidental slapstick and the two bad guys fall off and hang onto some cable on the bridge until the cops can come and arrest them? Yes, it would have to be that, because then Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan wouldn’t have to worry about being arrested themselves because they thwarted a major jewel heist.

Now that is a great idea for a movie. But because this isn’t the 1990s, let’s replace Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan with Emma Stone and Ryan Reynolds. There. That works. Hollywood? I’m available to finish this screenplay whenever you need it.

Well, maybe climbing to the top of the Bay Bridge isn’t something most tourists get to do in San Francisco, but skiing on the streets of San Francisco definitely …is …something?

How didn’t The Bachelor win a Golden Globe with stuff this awesome. Girls in bikinis skiing down a man made bunny hill? Is this on PBS? I had to check.

Blakeley, Jaclyn, Kacie B., Erika, Casey S., Samantha, Jamie, Monica, Rachel, Nicki, and Elyse were the group daters and were teased about “crossing something off their ‘leap list’”. Did I miss when “bucket list” was replaced by “leap list?” Is this a list of things a person wants to do in a leap year? My wife tells me its something you want to do before you take a “big leap” …like into a relationship, marriage, baby making, or a job. I guess.

The group date was fun, I guess. The Smokey-Voiced girl with the funky teeth got the group date rose. I wasn’t really paying attention, because I was jotting down potential lines for the RomCom I’m writing, and trying to think of  a title.

Brittney, who’s grandma made her come on this show, got the second one-on-one date and she freaked out. She was loving the traveling and partying, and site seeing, but she was soooo not into Ben and I give her credit for calling it quits. I guess ABC didn’t do a very good job of determining if Brittney was crazy enough to be on this show. She just was sorta normal and could be honest with herself. Somewhere, there’s an out-of-work Associate Producer who blew it when they let Brittney on.

Brittney’s exodus was Horse-Girl’s (aka Lindzi) gain. She ended up on the one-on-one date with Ben and they saw a private Matt Nathanson show, then went to dinner at some cool place, and they shared their break-up stories – she’s the one who got that text “welcome to Dumpsville – population you.” Classic!

I think that’s an awesome thing to alter and text people on all sorts of occasions. Welcome to Birthdayville. Welcome to Promotionville. Welcome to Graduationville. Welcome to Parentville. Welcome to Pickup-a-Loaf-of-Breadville and Grab-a-Pizza-on-your-way-Home-Land. Population? You.

Classic!

Things got interesting when Shawntel from Brad Womack’s season showed up because she, apparently at some off-season Bachelor/Bachelorette summer picnic, fell in love with Ben. I was unaware that alumni of this show can simply walk onto any future season. Sadly, it didn’t work out as she had planned. She was also writing a RomCom script in her head and I’m betting Sixpence None the Richer’s “Kiss Me” was the song she picked to be playing as she and Ben locked eyes and instantly fell in love.

Roses were given to The Model (aka Courtney), Kacie B., Elyse, Jamie, The Red-Head (aka Jennifer), Casey S., The VIP Cocktail Waitress (aka Blakeley), Monica (The On-Again, Off-Again Lesbian), Nicki, Samantha (The Rapper), and …nobody else. Yup …he didn’t even give out that last rose.

But not before one of the women passed out. Erika, with or without the return of Shawntel, might’ve gone home. Same with Jaclyn …don’t they realize there was a very good chance they were going home, anyway?

Shawntel was hated by everyone and Ben was only luke warm on her. And I feel really bad because she wasn’t cocky or anything and even tearfully admitted she felt really, really dumb for having made such a bold move.

Courtney got really snippy when Shawntel was escorted out and apparently Courtney is unaware that she’s likely going to have to seem some of these people again on Bachelor Pad (because he’s definitely not winning …right? Don’t tell me).

And that’s that. Week 3 and I’m no closer to knowing who’s perfect for Ben than I was last week. I’m still in Camp Kacie, or possibly Camp Emily, because I think they’re pretty normal. But Ben really likes the evil Courtney. I was happy to see the VIP Cocktail Waitress (aka Blakeley) get less Ben-Time, and I could actually see him with the Horse-Chick.

Who’s your favorite? Did I skip your favorite part? Send me pictures of you skiiing in San Francisco, OK?

See you next week.

Democrats

Samantha (Hates Blakeley)

Jenna (Blogger, Makes Duck Faces)

Rachel (Smokey-Voice, Messed-Up-Teeth, Might-be-a-Man, New York)

Jamie (Nurse, from New York)

Nicki

Elyse

Monica (Dental Consultant, Lesbian-sort-of, Utah)

Emily (Breath-Spray-Girl, Medical Something, The-Rapper)

Jaclyn (Hippo-Face)

Republicans

Shawntel (girl from a former season)

Courtney (Model, California, Shwarzenegger Republican)

Brittney (Brought-her-Grandma)

Lindzi (Horse-Girl, First-Impression-Rose, Seattle)

Blakely (VIP Cocktail Waitress)

Shawn (Big-Boobs, Green-Dress)

Kacie B. (Receptionist, Tennessee)

Jennifer (Red Head, Accountant)

Gun-Shooting-Chick (What was her name? Someone help me out.)

Undecided

Casey S.

Erika

Don Kowalewski is the world’s foremost authority on The Bachelor, American Idol, dating, relationships, marriage, coffee, blogging, social media, and much, much more. Check back every week to discuss The Bachelor. ‘Like’ spunkybean on Facebook. Follow @donkowalewski and @spunkybean on Twitter. For daily blog reading about whatever’s on Don’s mind, check out his personal blog, Kaleidoscopic Raygun.

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