The Bachelor, Episode 4: Blondes v. Brunettes

As I sit here with a snotty nose and phlegm rattling cough, I think it’s only fitting to spend the next hour picking apart everything I find disgusting about the ladies of these season’s The Bachelor.  Well I take that back, really only one lady disgusts me… I think we all know who I’m talking about.  Courtney, watch your back, I will not go easy on you this week.  Now that that’s out of the way, lets carry on with my weekly tradition, also know as Blondes Vs. Brunettes.  Here’s a reminder of the players:

Team Brown: Blakeley, Courtney, Elyse, Jamie, Jennifer, Kasie B, Nicki
Team Yellow: Casey S., Emily, Lyndzi C., Monica, Rachel, Samantha

-1 Team Yellow: Rachel take Ben on a trip through Boresville
I know us ladies are all sitting on the couch saying things to our friends like “oh I think it’s so great that Ben’s taking the women on real dates like hiking and canoeing.”  Then we’ll continue by saying,  “It’s so much more down to earth than what we usually see on the show”.  So that’s what we say, but let’s get real with ourselves… here is the reality: if we were on this show would we A) want to go fly fishing or B) take a helicopter ride over Las Vegas and then land on top of the Bellagio where a shopping spree awaited us?  Yeah, I think we all know the answer.  So part of me doesn’t blame Rachel for having nothing to say on her boring date, but the other part really needed for her to buck up and open up on her first one on one.  Finally at dinner and probably after several cocktails (I know that always helps me), she made a turn for the better and just barely nabbed the rose, but she’s going to have to work a lot harder if she wants to keep this guy interested.

+1 Team Brown: Someone finally gets under Courtney’s skin
After what was an excruciating fishing group date for me (I can only imagine what it felt like for the girls that were actually there), I could hardly stand to watch that evening’s cocktail party.  First Courtney pulls Ben aside and gets extra fly fishing lessons.  Then Courtney is the only one to actually catch a fish even when we have Huck Finn (aka Lyndzi) along.   Watching her ego grow was more than I could stand… but then something beautiful happened.  She revealed her weakness, the ever so sweet (front runner picked by me on day 1) Kasie B.  It started with a snide comment during the fly fishing date: “She’s cute and sweet, and kinda annoying” and only got worse in the evening after Ben pulled Kasie aside for private 1 on 1 in his bedroom.  This enraged Courtney and the insecurities were finally released.  I was elated until……

+1 Team Brown: Courtney pulls the oldest trick in the book.
This girl is a genius.  I will give that to her.  She knows how to work a man like no one I’ve ever seen.  After Ben ran off with Kasie she put on her best doe eyed look and proceeded to tell him she was not sure her heart was in it after seeing him with other people.  He took the bate, hook line and sinker… it was cringe-worthly for those watching at home.  He walked away and in minutes reappeared, rose in hand, to reassure her of his interest.  Sigh, I’m confindent he’ll eventually see through the bullshit, but in the meantime this is getting hard to stomach.

-1 Team Yellow: Ben puts Samantha in her place
Before such frustrating moments as the Courtney saga we at least got to enjoy a bit of comic relief… well comic for me, not for Samantha I’m sure.  Let’s face it this ditzy, drunk, aggressive girl was never going to be his type so when he asked her to leave the house in the middle of the party, I found it be pretty funny. Afterall, what did she really think was going to happen by trying to bully him into taking her on a one on one date?  I think we all know ,Homie, don’t play that.  Maybe it would have worked on Jake Pavelka, but not this guy.

+1 Team Brown: Nicki discovers Ben’s natural aphrodisiac.. death stories
I’ve never seen a man so happy to talk about the deceased in my life.  I’m sure it’s because he recently lost his father, but call me crazy I did not expect Nicki’s opener of “so my boss just died last week….” to be the thing to get him going during a cocktail party.  Anyways, I was wrong, and I’m glad because I like her.

+1 Team Yellew:  Ben finally notices Casey S.
Up until tonight, she hadn’t gotten much airtime, but I’m not sure why.  Is she not the prettiest and most stylist girl there?  Glad she finally caught his eye on the group date this time around… though she internally lost some points with me when I realized she was on Team Courtney.  Watching her defend the shedevil to Emily was the most I’ve seen her speak all season.  I’d rather her go back to being pretty and keeping her mouth shut.

-1 Team Brown:  Jennifer wears Invisalign?
Listen, I don’t want to start rumors, and can’t verify this, but her teeth seem abnormally sparkly to me.  I really hope she’s not wearing these teeth correctors on her dates… but I fear she might be.  Even if she’s not, I hate to say it, but she’s too plain for him.  Average weight, average looks… I can tell you exactly how this one is going to end up, with him saying he just didn’t feel that spark.  At least she’s a good kisser, which I think Ben mentions once an episode so that should buy her a few more weeks… at least until the other girls start sleeping with him.

-1 Team Yellow: Lyndzi = Tenley 2.0
I finally figured out why Lyndzi bugs me so much.  She is the tomboy version of Tenley.  So instead of private ballet dances she’ll take you skeet shooting.  Either way, I’m not into it… and one Tenley was already one too many for me.

-1 Team Yellow: Emily has caught the foot in mouth syndrome
This one makes me incredibly sad, because I like Emily and her sob story but I can see the future and it’s telling me she’ll be out of here soon.  And here’s why: if there are 2 things the Bachelor has taught me about men it is this: #1) They don’t like drama #2) they don’t like insecure women.  That being said, she did herself no favors by letting Ben know that Courtney did not get along with the other girls.  I fear that Emily has never watched a past season of the Bachelor because if she had, she would know being a tattle tale is the kiss of death.

-1 Team Yellow: Monica raids her 8th grade closet
Shame on her.  The dress she wore to the cocktail party was completely unacceptable.  Here’s a reminder for the fashionably clueless: black knee length dress with oversized red roses and a ….gasp… shrug?!?!?  I think I burned all of  my shrugs in 1997.  Most of you reading this probably have forgotten what a shrug is or never knew what it was in the first place… good, keep it that way.  It’s no wonder that she was the only one kicked off Monday night.

Team Brown: + 2 points
Team Yellow: – 4 points
Team Brown ‘Winning’ (as Courtney would say)

So there you have it the brunettes win by a mile and it’s looking like trouble for the blondes with 2 less girls and Lyndzi as the only front runner on the team.  Next up the girls are off to Puerto Rico… where Courtney just got back from two weeks ago by the way…. why is this reminding me of an SNL skit.

… wish she would stop trying to one up people and pluck her unibrow already.   See ya next week for some more drama and what I hear is a bit of nudity. oo la la!

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