The Bachelor, Episode 4: Courtney v. Emily – The Superbowl of Chick Fights

Sorry for the delay, folks, but I was so emotionally distraught Monday night following The Bachelor, I couldn’t write a recap. Remember that part near the end of the show when Kacie B. asked if anyone had learned more about themselves in the past two weeks than they had in the past two years . . . well, I have. And I don’t like what I see when I look in the mirror, anymore (yes, I watch The Bachelor while also looking at myself in the mirror, doesn’t everyone?).

Two weeks ago, I was a guy who believed in the power of reality TV love stories and I believed they were the most amazing and enchanted love stories of our time. I believed supermodels must be totally kick-ass and because they are pretty, they must be beautiful inside and out. And I thought Ben was super interesting.

Now, if I met the Don of two weeks ago, I’d laugh at him for being no naïve. I’d also tell him to make sure he tells his barber, “short, but not too short” because that dude really butchered me a couple days ago.

It’s fitting that I waited an extra night in order to digest everything that happened, but also to wait for President Obama’s State of the Union Address and see where he stands on the issues, and compare them to the bachelorettes. You may recall, I’m using this season of The Bachelor, and the girl Ben chooses, in order to decide who’ll I’ll vote for in November’s Presidential Election. It’s science, people. Political science, that is. And unlike real science, it won’t burn my eyebrows off.

The dating part wasn’t all that exciting. Rachel got the first one-on-one date, then there was a group date that included fly-fishing and horseback riding, and finally Jennifer (aka The Red Head) got the next one-on-one date and they went swimming in a flooded mine, or something.

The real fireworks came after all the dates were said and done. As it stands, nobody like Courtney. She’s the model, and she’s snarky and sarcastic. She acts like a bitch when she’s in the mansion around the rest of the bitches, but carries on all sweet-like when around Ben. Isn’t that crazy (sarcasm)? That a mansion full of women all competing for the attention of one man isn’t an environment where life-long friendships are born? I mean, because most girls I know love when their best friend is dating and kissing the same guy she is. It’s so strange, then, that Courtney is getting first-impression roses and group-date roses, and always manages to steal Ben away for some private time, and that somehow ruffles feathers.

So Courtney is really in Ben’s head. Kacie B., the soft spoken secretary, was an early favorite and now she’s just sittin’ on the bench waiting to get back in the game, and she’s feeling insecure. The personal trainer from Chicago hasn’t gone on any dates, but she’s holding up OK. Unlike Samantha who verbally attacked Ben and yelled at him for only bringing her on 3 group dates, and never a one-on-one date. That was hilarious! He was like, um, honey …you’ve gone on three awesome dates and some girls haven’t even been on any dates. You seem selfish …hit the road.

Daaaaaaang!

But the really good stuff came after all the dates were over and the girls started jockeying for position at the final rose ceremony.

Emily thought it would be a good idea to confront Ben about Courtney which shows me she’s never watched this show, or had any successful relationships. I liked Emily, and I’m pretty sure she was the one on the first night who rapped. Right? I don’t think this was her best move, even if she had rapped her beef with Courtney and engaged in a Tupac v. Biggie, east-coast west-coast hip hop war type of battle, it’s just not a good move. With her time, she should’ve flirted, and twirled her hair, and giggled when Ben told corny jokes, and that’s how you really stick it to Courtney. Telling Ben that Courtney is awful simply won’t cut it. And it doesn’t even matter. I promise you, some of the sweetest, nicest ladies you know could go on this show and be edited to look horrible.

When someone goes on this show, they need to be as true to themselves as possible. Courtney, though we may not love it, is showing her true colors. She’s a bit cold, and at the risk of sounding like I’m defending her, let’s remember what she does for a living – she’s a model. She works in an industry where a persons worth as a human being is, literally, skin deep. I’m guessing as nasty as Emily wants to be, Courtney has seen much, much worse. Pretty people get treated differently their entire lives, and they are used to being the best-looking person in almost every room they enter. People stare at them. Men treat them like objects or prey that need to be hunted and conquered. And then one day, some pretty people get convinced they should go into modeling, and then they surround themselves with equally beautiful people and they find themselves in a world where other people are getting noticed and other people are prettier than them, and it shocks them. Courtney has lots of practice at this catty behavior and dealing with it. For Emily, being in a room full of women equally nice-looking is a new experience. Ya know how pretty girls always have that ugly friend? There ain’t no ugly people in the house. So when she confided in Casey S. and tried to talk shit about Courtney, it really backfired because Casey S. happens to be the one girl in the house who likes Courtney. Oops.

Oh, and Casey, coincidentally, is the only girl prettier than Courtney. I mean …wow. And that shirt-dress thingy she was wearing that barely covered her lower half …wow. I think I found my favorite.

So Emily really blew some holes in her own life boat, and though she would go on to get a rose, she’s on shakey ground.

Rachel, Courtney, and Jennifer had roses before the final rose ceremony.

Lindzi (Horse Girl), Jamie, Nicki, Kacie B., Elise (Personal Trainer, Chicago), Blakeley (The VIP Cocktail Waitress), Casey S. (Friends with Courtney), and Emily (Hates Courtney) got roses, which meant the Big Boob Part-Time Lesbian (aka Monica) was sent home.

I’ll miss Monica. She was like the mother hen of the house. In fact, the show’s producers should’ve just let her hang out at the mansion because she really had a way of getting the rest of the girls to “dish” and open up.

Next week, Emily uses the word “vapid” to describe Courtney which makes her my favorite (I love a girl with big …words, I mean, who uses big words). It also makes her too high-brow for The Bachelor and she should be so lucky to be booted, but noooooo …she’s going to embarrassingly go on the attack again during her alone time with Ben. Well, it wouldn’t be The Bachelor if there wasn’t a chick ABC edits in such a way we hate her, and who continues to get roses. I haven’t peaked at RealitySteve.com, but because of the universal repulsion from everyone on Facebook when talking about who Ben picks, I’m fearful I’m going to be writing about Courtney for many, many more weeks. And because I was sooooo wrong about Michelle Money (@moneymichelle) and I so hated her when she was one of the girls in the mansion, and turns out she’s a totally kick-ass lady, I’m trying to be judicious about my snap-judgment of Courtney.

Thanks again for reading and dealing with my slight delay. I’ll be back next week and I hope you’ll join me again. I’ll re-examine the girls and their political affiliation, and we’ll trudge on …for Ben. Have a great week.

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