The Bachelor, Episode 5: The Puerto Rico Primaries

Last night the battle for Ben’s heart, the battle of Courtney v. Emily, and the battle for the White House continued in Puerto Rico. Ah, yes, in case you don’t remember, I’m using The Bachelor and who Ben picks to decide my vote for president this fall. I’ve assigned political affiliation to each girl based on her profession or demeanor, and I feel pretty good about it. Courtney is definitely the Mitt Romney (though she has some Newt Gingrich tendencies). She’s a looker (like Romney). She’s like Romney because if you think of all these early dates like the Florida Primaries, for example, she’s running away with the election (election = Ben’s love).

I should also say Newt Gingrich sorta lived a real-life Bachelor tale . . . he’s brought three women home to meet his family and gave them all roses, I’m guessing, but in the end, dumped the boring chick who wouldn’t go skinny dipping with him. Am I right? Or am I right? This guy knows what I’m talking about. (wink, point)

Blakeley is more like Newt, however, because she’s old. “Old” being 34, and only old in Bachelor-years. 34 isn’t old in real life, but in Bachelor years, you might as well be into menopause. Blakeley was an early front-runner, but with Courtney sneaking up and secretly skinny dipping with Ben, the rest of the field doesn’t stand a chance.

Kacie B. is, let’s face it …Ron Paul. If you look at her and listen to her, just like if you listen to Ron Paul, you’d be all like, “wow, what he/she says makes sense, and he/she seems truly genuine and he/she isn’t just in this to impress his/her friends and eventually write a book, and he/she actually believes in his/her political viewpoints/love-for-Ben and isn’t just pandering to the lowest-common-demoninator.”

Ron Paul-Kacie B. 2012 (or 2016).

However, as Monday’s Bachelor showed us, as did Tuesday’s Florida Primaries, it’s all about a pretty face saying the right things and shaking babies. Or …something.

Our Monday night featured one group date, and two one-on-one dates – one way or another, everyone was getting a date with Ben.

Nicki (Dental Hygienist, crooked-face) finally got her one-on-one. I don’t think she’s had one, yet. Ben sorta likes her crooked smile and nerdy persona. Hey, it’s not a bad thing . . . it just is. I’m not saying she’s ugly, just …um, unique. Is that OK? Nicki, recall, has been married before (for three years). She and Ben took a helicopter to a remote area of Puerto Rico, an area where it apparently rains like it’s the Amazon rain forest. So they threw off their shoes (and their worry about accidentally puncturing their feet and contracting something, or slipping and falling on the slick clay streets) and ran around the streets in the rain. Then they bought clothes and it stopped raining. Then they saw a wedding. And we saw a cat run under a car. Ben and Nicki talked about having a big wedding, and spent most of the time agreeing on things, like being excited but nervous. And being ready for marriage, but cautious. And then they had dinner and both talked about how they weren’t maybe, totally ready for marriage and they don’t know about things and stuff.

And who says The Bachelor is boring this season? I admit, I fell asleep writing that last paragraph. Thank goodness for the bitch Courtney and her nemesis Emily keeping this season sorta halfway interesting.

What’s great about the Nicki-Ben relationship is that she admits she’s “guarded” and because she was previously married she’s a little cautious about letting down her guard. Hmmm, sorta sounds like Ben from last season and still struggling with some crazy break-up in his past and dealing with the loss of his father. He built up a shell, and even though Ashley made a fool of him on national TV, he says he’s learned some lessons. It will be interesting to see if he crushes Nicki despite her letting her guard down.

The rest of the girls laid in the sun, and then played softball against each other for a chance at a romantic beach party – the winning team got the group beach date. But there was a twist . . . since it wasn’t an even split, one girl had to play on both teams and automatically get to the beach date. Courtney and Blakeley were made team captains and away they went.

Lindzi (The Horse-Back Riding Chick) played on both teams. Interesting fact about Lindzi: she’s from Seattle, and reader K.C. is from Seattle, and K.C. has a 20-something son and secretly hopes Lindzi doesn’t win The Bachelor, comes back to Seattle, and starts dating her son. I’ll admit, that would be cool. A reader’s son dating someone from The Bachelor. I think that would entitle me to being a contestant on Bachelor Pad. Right? And, I’ve categorized Lindzi as Republican and since I recently learnded (via a Facebook status update) that reader K.C. is a Republican, I’m betting that has something to do with why she likes Lindzi for her son.

Back to baseball . . . bachelorette baseball – America’s past time. It was a two inning game that stretched into a 6 inning game and ended 10-9.

So, the red team (Courtney’s team) won and they got the beach date. Kacie B. got the group rose and Courtney got to take a cold shower . . . until later. The losing team of Blakeley, Emily, and two other girls . . . went back to the mansion.

Elyse (aka Personal Trainer, Chicago) had the second of the one-on-one dates, and their date involved a giant yacht to themselves where Ben said, “feelings can change on the water.” Elyse gave up her job, and missed her best friend’s wedding to come on The Bachelor. They jumped off the side of the boat – twice. Craaaazy. Needless to say, there wasn’t a connection and despite Elyse being insanely hot and looking better than any other girl looks in a bikini, Ben didn’t feel a connection and sent her home. Truly, if reader K.C. wants my pick for her son …Elyse. Totally.

But what everyone will be talking about this week (again), is Courtney. She’s aggressive. And whether, as I mentioned last week, it’s just ABC editing her to make her look like a manipulative, calculating, cold-hearted, opportunist, and un-feeling bitch, or if she actually is . . . she’s the only thing interesting about this season. While on the group date, she tried to get Ben to go skinny dipping with her with the other girls 100 feet away. He refused out of fairness, but she didn’t stop. Later, she snuck out of her room after all the girls had gone to bed and cornered Ben and tried to convince him again to go skinny-dipping. She said, “you’re only in Puerto Rico, once” …she said it 8 times. And Ben was like, “she makes a good point, you’re only in Puerto Rico once” and he got naked and ran in the water with her. Does he realize . . . he could go back to Puerto Rico again if he really wanted. Just sayin’.

So off they went all naked and stuff and I’m going to assume they did more than swim because, whoa, did Ben have all sorts of guilt issues going on afterward.

Save it for the fantasy suite, dudes! Yeesh.

Other than that, we had our pre-rose cocktail party where Emily, once again, put her foot in her mouth but still got a rose. That chick was already scolded by Ben for speaking ill of Courtney . . . and she did it again. The nerve! He’s either keeping her around because ABC is forcing him to, or he really likes her despite her being a tattle tale teenager.

Receiving roses in the final rose ceremony was Lindzi (Horse Riding Girl), Jamie, Rachel, Courtney, Casey S., Blakeley, and Emily, which meant Red-Headed Jennifer was sent home – to my wife’s complete shock. Actually, I was a bit shocked, as well.

We’ve still got a pretty even field. Ben is showing signs of leaning right, with Republicans Courtney and Kacie B. seemingly among the favorites, but there’s Nicki still making a strong case to vote Democrat.

Things are really getting serious, now. Next week they’ll be traveling to a moon colony for the ultimate fantasy dates . . . oh, no wait . . . that was Newt Gingrich’s promise . . . moon colonies. My bad. That would be cool, though, I have to admit. No . . . our promise for next week from Chris Harrison was “the most dramatic moment of the year.”

Hooray. See you next week. Share you thoughts on Ben, The Bachelor, the girls, the Florida Primaries, the race to the White House, or just your favorite Kanye West lyrics and leave a comment. Thanks for reading.

Democrats

Casey S.

Rachel (Smokey-Voice, Messed-Up-Teeth, Might-be-a-Man, New York)

Jamie (Nurse, from New York)

Nicki

Elyse

Emily (Feuding with Courtney, Breath-Spray-Girl, The-Rapper)

Republicans

Courtney (Model, California, Shwarzenegger Republican)

Lindzi (Horse-Girl, First-Impression-Rose, Seattle)

Blakely (VIP Cocktail Waitress)

Kacie B. (Receptionist, Tennessee)

Jennifer (Red Head, Accountant)

Don Kowalewski is the world’s foremost authority on The Bachelor, American Idol, dating, relationships, marriage, coffee, blogging, social media, and much, much more. Check back every week to discuss The Bachelor. ‘Like’ spunkybean on Facebook. Follow @donkowalewski and @spunkybean on Twitter. For daily blog reading about whatever’s on Don’s mind, check out his personal blog, Kaleidoscopic Raygun.

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