The Bachelor, Episode 7: Mess With the Ben, You Get the Wimpy Horns.

On The Bachelor this season, unlike any other season I can remember, it’s becoming nearly impossible to avoid knowing who Ben picked. My wife tells me Ben and somebody are on the cover of US Weekly and In Touch (is In Touch really a magazine?). Everybody else I know has checked RealitySteve and that guy’s always right. I’m starting to think these “leaks” aren’t really leaks at all. For like the 10^th season in a row, someone has leaked the winner. Seems like ABC somehow would’ve locked that down by now, right? Like they would’ve brought in a “cleaner” who’d confiscate everyone’s phones, pagers, laptops, iPads, and diaries and made everybody sign newly drafted confidentiality agreements. We never know who’s going to win Survivor. We never know who’s going to win The Amazing Race. Yet somehow The Bachelor can’t keep a secret for even a few weeks? But what’s the end game? Do they purposely “leak” the winner so the rabid fans can promote the show via the sociable media and generate buzz? Meanwhile we purists, who aren’t the type that would peak at our Christmas presents even if we knew where they were being hidden, can enjoy The Bachelor in its pure form and true intent.

If you never hear from me again and I never blog another word, please call the FBI because it means I was onto something big and ABC had to shut me up.

Also, though I am using The Bachelor and who Ben chooses to decide my vote for President of the United States this fall, I’m not going to spend much time on that, today.

As the great Cher once sang . . . do you Belize in life after love? And Josh Groban has some song about Belize, I think . . . I think it was from Polar Express. The gang traveled to Belize for dating and fighting and stuff. Chris Harrison explained this week is really, really, super, duper important and stuff because, like, when this weeks over, whoever’s left is gonna take Ben home to meet their families and that’s like a rrrrreally, really big deal and stuff. LOL. Fer sure.

Things got going quickly with Lindzi and Ben’s first one-on-one date and their helicopter ride to the spot where the island from Lost sank into the ocean (even though Lost really never explained why we saw the island under the water to start one of the seasons . . . and we never learned about the 4 toed statues . . . what the!?!?! I’m still not over that whole Lost thing and how it ended). But we’re not here to talk about Lost (though I still would like to get drunk with EJ Feddes and Larry Young and start talking shit about how the show ended and ask some questions and then just let them get super drunk and start talking about all their theories and their apologies on behalf of the shows writers).

Sorry . . . no more Lost.

Lindzi and Ben took a helicopter to a cool 500 foot deep dark blue circle and they jumped in from about two stories in the air. And then they floated around. And then they stopped. Wow, talk about a GREAT date (sarcams). I guess they were sorta connecting, but mostly I saw Ben making up his mind that Lindzi ain’t the one.  They floated around on a boat while candles floated in the water, and had dinner, and wrote a note and stuffed it in a bottle. Yawn. Sorry. I know – we all hate Courtney, but at least she skinny dips. If you wish Courtney had never been born, well, I point to the Ben-Lindzi date as Exhibit A on why this show would suck without a villain.

Courtney is also a FREAK . . . has nooooo problem letting a tarantula walk all over her arm.

Meanwhile, back at Camp Bachelorette, Courtney’s all bummed out because first Lindzi got a date, and then Emily got the second one-on-one date. Emily, of course, is mortal enemies with Courtney, so that was awesome. We’re all enjoying seeing Courtney angry and disappointed, right?

So Emily’s date happened and it was quick. ABC didn’t spend much time with these two, so . . . again . . . boooooooring. Ben did his whole, “I could see myself marrying her” thing, but he’s said that about everyone.

Then came Courtney, which ABC has decided is the storyline of the season. She got her invite, acted all snotty and made our sweet little Kacie B lash out in anger. Courtney made sweet Kacie B. mad . . . so you know she must be a horrible person. Kacie B. loves everyone and very likely sings songs in the woods and birds flutter around and sing along. Courtney is the lady giving out poison apples.

On the Courtney date, Courtney played the, “I’m not feelin’ it” card and made Ben beg a little. Ben said he liked her because she’s “edgy” and claimed to really like girls who live on the edge. They climbed to the top of some old temple which I’m preeetty sure you’re not supposed to do, but ABC has deep pockets, so the locals looked the other way and “the Americans” got to climb to the top of their ancient sacred burial monument and smash face. The Courtney-Ben date got sorta interesting when Ben confronted her about not getting along with the other girls. He’s obviously been reading my blogs over the years because I’ve always said any guy should be wary of a girl who has ZERO girlfriends. I mean, girls have girlfriends. They don’t keep them for long, but they always have friends. So when you have a house with 10 or 20 girls living in it, you should expect a few cliques to form. Cliques can fight with cliques, and girls can belong to more than one clique, but no girl can stand alone on an island. It’s just not what chicks do. So, gentlemen . . . just remember this lesson. It’s OK if the girl you’re dating has burned through multiple “best friends” over the years, but they should definitely have some friends and be texting those friends stupid stuff.

Finally we got to the group date, and they went diving and there were sharks. Someone actually said, “I’m really afraid of sharks” as if that’s not a fear that, oh, all humans share. I mean, me personally … I’m not afraid of sharks because I heard if a shark is about to attack, just punch it super hard right on the nose and it’ll swim away and tell all his shark friends to back off and say something like, “hey …sharks …he’s cool. Let’s go.”

And I’m a Jet, I’m a Jet all the way …Sharks know not to mess with Jets.

I guess it all seemed sorta scary until they told us they were “sand sharks” which aren’t much more dangerous than catfish, so . . . that whole “swimming with the sharks” thing wasn’t nearly as awesome as ABC previewed it to be. Smokey-Voice Rachel got quite a bit of screen time and time with Ben, and used it to say, “I’m really scared of sharks,” and, “I’m really afraid to commit and have you meet my family.” Geesh …Courtney’s right. These chicks are a buncha lame idiots.

Kacie B. pulled out the, “I think I’m falling in love with you” card, and got the group date rose. But . . . Courtney’s in Kacie B’s head, so Courtney’s big evil plan is working.

Speaking of Courtney or, well, people talking about Courtney, now two more girls felt compelled to tell Ben, “watch out for Courtney.” He has plenty of evidence. Emily hates Courtney. Two new girls hate Courtney. Courtney hates herself and admitted she has no friends. Seems pretty easy, Ben. But Ben don’t make nothing easy now, do he? Well, he made it easy when it came time for the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party – Ben cancelled it. Chris Harrison said Ben knew exactly what he wanted to do and didn’t need all the kibitzing and chit-chat.

So onto the Rose Ceremony. But not before Ben pulled Courtney aside for his own personal one-on-one cocktail chit-chat. What? I’m tellin’ ya . . . all that gossip really backfired on the non-Courtney ladies.

Nicki, Lindzi, and Courtney got roses, which sent Emily and Smokey-Voiced Rachel home. The two chicks who talked most trash about Courtney are GONE.

It’s really not looking good for the Democrats and I think the Obama camp would be wise to pay attention to what’s going on here. Although, can we be honest . . . Kacie B. is probably not a Republican. She’s missing that hard edge that I tend equate with a right-wing conservatives.

And that was the week that was. Courtney is a pretty lame conversationalist, everyone has told Ben she’s bad news, yet she stays. Next week we’ll meet families and I’ll make fun of them. Also next week, I’m really going to analyze each of the girls and tell you why or why not Ben should pick each one, and then I’ll tell you why they’ve been given their political affiliation label, and we’ll have a healthy, spirited debate about the accuracies of why certain chicks are crazy, and why some are like whiny liberals. Truly . . . next week will be a Masters level class on The Bachelor and Ben.

See you next week.

Democrats

Rachel (Smokey-Voice, Messed-Up-Teeth, Might-be-a-Man, New York)

Nicki

Emily (Feuding with Courtney, Breath-Spray-Girl, The-Rapper)

Republicans

Courtney (Model, California, Shwarzenegger Republican)

Lindzi (Horse-Girl, First-Impression-Rose, Seattle)

Kacie B. (Receptionist, Tennessee)

Don Kowalewski is the world’s foremost authority on The Bachelor, American Idol, dating, relationships, marriage, coffee, blogging, social media, and much, much more. Check back every week to discuss The Bachelor. ‘Like’ spunkybean on Facebook. Follow @donkowalewski and @spunkybean on Twitter. For daily blog reading about whatever’s on Don’s mind, check out his personal blog, Kaleidoscopic Raygun.

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