The Bachelor, Night 1: Ben Flajnik Begins His Amazing Journey

Welcome back to another season of The Bachelor and the best source of Bachelor related coverage anywhere on the web. I mean it, there’s nobody else on the web, or Internet, or on any blog anywhere talking about The Bachelor. Just me, and ABC tried to pay me off to keep me silent, but I won’t be bought.

Usually I try and make the world a better place with these Bachelor recaps by using the lessons learned on the show to help guide us all in our New Year’s Resolutions, or for those struggling with relationships, to use the recaps to help make everyone a little bit happier. I happen to know that no less than 6 marriages happened, or were saved, due to my recaps. It’s a responsibility I don’t take lightly, but I’m shakin’ it up this season. Why? Because do you know what sells a blog? Smut, anger, political rhetoric, links to stuff, gossip, lies, and sassy opinions are what blog readers want.

I don’t want to do it, but last year I earned a whopping $17.89 writing for spunkybean and, keep in mind, I’m one of the guys that founded it. Some might say it’s because I’m not a very good writer, or that there’s thousands of other sights just like spunkybean, or because I don’t do enough of those searchy-type things that would get me noticed, but I know the real reason – I don’t bash President Barack Obama, Republicans, Democrats, or Nancy Pelosi enough. I don’t know how I’m going to seamlessly integrate love and dating analysis with Obamacare or the Tea Party, but I’m “progressively” going to try and hope you don’t “MoveOn”.

This is why I’m using this season of The Bachelor to decide who I’ll vote for in this year’s Presidential election. What? Do you have a better method for electing a president than randomly assigning political affiliation to 25 random chicks and then, when all is said and done, voting based on who Ben Flajnik picks?

So, how will I decide who’s Democrat and who’s Republican? Well, it will be based completely upon whether I think they’re doing Democrat or Republican things. Like, let’s say they work in the medical field (4 of the girls do), it shows they’re socialist, welfare-loving, help-people type liberals, and they’ll be pegged as Democrats.

Right away that puts Nicki (Dental Hygenist), Amber B. (Delivery Nurse AND Canadian), Amber T., and Jamie squarely in the Democrat camp. Plus, Nicki’s divorced and that means she has no respect for the sanctity of marriage, so …Democrat.

Horse-Rider Chick (Lindzi C.) is from Seattle, but I think she’s one of those BMW drivin’ Seattle chicks who spends her disposable income on horses rather than lattes and iPads, so she’s Republican. She also got the First-Impression rose and when she arrived on horse-back (versus in a limo) named First-Impression-Rose, she wasn’t “horsing around.” Guffaw! And in the spirit of horse-racing, she’s a full length ahead of everyone else and I’m giving her 14:1 odds to win-place-show.

Brittney brought her Grandmother with her (or did her Grandmother bring her?) and Grandma sorta played pimp for Brittney. Sorta. But not really at all. It was sweet. But Brittney is Republican because of how important “family” is to her. Ya know …like Focus on the Family. Republican.

Elyse (Personal Trainer, Chicago) is Democrat. Like anyone from Chicago isn’t all Obama-this and Obama-that and community-organizer-this and blah-blah-that. Democrat.

Shawn, a big-breasted financial advisor from Pheonix is obviously Republican. I mean, just look at her. What’s that old saying? The bigger the breasts, the smaller the government? Or is it bigger butt, small government? Well, she’s kinda got both goin’ on, so def’ Rebublican.

Blakeley (VIP Cocktail Waitress) is Republican because she no doubt has snooty conversations with wealthy business men who represent the 1%,  and they all complain about paying too many taxes as they gamble $10,000 a hand Baccarat with money they took from their off-shore, tax-free account where they have HQs for dozens of businesses in their names. And they smoke big cigars, but Blakeley doesn’t care. Republican.

#OccupyARose

Courtney (The-Model) is really nice looking, so normally that would make her Democrat, but every once in a while a few pretty people slip into the Republican party, and because she looks a little like Maria Shriver, I’m calling her a Republican. And boy …does she love to tell people she’s a model. This Model Chick was quite arrogant, but then I was thinking …what a GREAT job to have to immediately feel superior to everyone. If you’re a model, and everyone else simply decided NOT to be a model, it doesn’t matter …you’re the model, so you are obviously better looking than everyone. Ben liked The Model immediately …and was it because she said she was a model? Because I know I’d like to date a model just for the fact that I could say, “oh, did I forget to mention …I’m dating a model.” It would make me awesome like Ashton Kutcher.

Smokey-Voice (aka Rachel) is from New York (originally from Massachusetts), so she’s automatically a Democrat. This bodes well for Obama getting our vote (you’re gonna vote with me whatever The Bachelor decides for me, right). But she’s got some messed up teeth. In real life I could overlook that, but on TV …no way.

Which chick shot guns? She’s totally a Republican.

My wife liked The Accountant (aka Red-Head, aka Jennifer) and her clever use of numbers when she hopped out of the limousine. Accountant = Republican.

We didn’t like Nanny Mary Poppins McFee (aka The British-Chick, aka Lyndsie J.) and her poetry, and unfortunately Ben didn’t figure out that this British chick was super rich. Blimey! Pity.

What about that chick who hopped out of the limo and walked by without saying anything? What . . . everrrrrrrrr. Who was that, anyway? Did they ever follow-up on that story line? I think it was Anna, and she didn’t get a rose. What a ridiculous move.

We learned Ben likes brunettes.

I liked the girl who rapped, The Eminem-Chick (aka Breath-Spray-Girl, aka Emily) and so did Ben. She’s pretty and she brought breath-spary and planted a kiss on Ben immediately upon stepping out of the limo. That wouldn’t work for everyone, but her flirty smile made it sweet.

There was a chick who raised her younger siblings. I won’t make fun of her no matter what she does. But I’m guessing she won’t give me any reason to laugh at her. Too serious. Did she get a rose? Whatever her name is, when I figure it out, she’ll definitely be Democrat because, I’m guessing, without a father or mother, she’s likely benefited from some welfare handouts.

And finally, the star of last night’s show … The-Blogger-Chick (aka Jenna) who blogs about love, and as a guy who writes about love and The Bachelor, I’ve always believed if I went on The Bachelorette, I would make it all the way to the final three because I’d play The Bachelorette like I was playing Survivor. The trouble would come when, on the hometown date, she realizes I’m married and have three kids. Whoa …talk about your fireworks.

As a blogger, I hope you all don’t think we’re great on the page, but horrible in person. I’ll have you know, in person, when I’m not updating my Facebook status, Tweeting, or taking pictures with Instagram and trying to increase my blog traffic, I’m a great conversationalist. Bloggers can be really strong Republicans or Democrats, so I’ll have to wait and see on her. She’s from New York and blogs about things, so I think “Democrat.” But then she’s kinda opposed to same-sex stuff which, I’ll admit was sorta weird to see two girls falling in love on Night 1 while trying to pick each other up. However, The-Blogger (and I checked out her blog) really isn’t a blogger, yet. I mean, she has a blog, but just because you have a blog and put up a buncha pictures, but you didn’t really write anything, you’re not a blogger. Remember how I said I was rooting for The-Blogger? Well, I’m not anymore. And my wife pointed out she makes a “duck face”, which was crazy bizarre and distracting. Yet …she got a rose, because she’s sorta pretty.

Man, these girls were getting waaaaaay drunk.

I could break down every last detail of Night 1, but so much of what happens has such little consequence on this show in the long run, I think it’s enough right now simply to try and figure out the Democrats and Republicans and start our primaries or caucuses, or whatever you want to call these next 11 weeks and 22 hours of television watching. It’s a long road, but you and I will love figuring out who will get our vote and we can skip all those annoying Presidential debates this fall.

Democracy is a privilege that should be cherished. And no, I don’t think basing my vote on which chick Ben picks disrespects our nation at all and I think it’s exactly what the forefathers would’ve wanted. This is my way of honoring our proud, honest, respectable political process in this country.

Below is our list and it’s obviously a work in progress, as some of the girls we barely heard a peep from. In fact, I’m pretty sure I missed some girls entirely (like that really skinny one), but they didn’t get a rose anyway, so who cares. Sorry ladies.

Help me fix any spelling or factual errors and together, you, me, and Ben will decide our next President and we’ll have a whole heckuvva lot of fun along the way.

Welcome back to another fun season. Thanks for reading. You’re awesome and you smell terrific. Viva la Bachelor!

Democrats

Amber T. (Critical Care Nurse)

Amber B. (Canadian)

Rachel (Smokey-Voice, Messed-Up-Teeth, Might-be-a-Man, New York)

Jamie (Nurse, from New York)

Nicki

Elyse

Dianna (Non-Profit Director, California)

Monica (Dental Consultant, Lesbian-sort-of, Utah)

Lindsie (Britsh, England …aren’t all Europeans, even the conservative ones, more like an American Democrat …well, I’ll just go with it)

Emily (Breath-Spary-Girl, Medical Something, The-Rapper)

Republicans

Courtney (Model, California, Shwarzenegger Republican)

Brittney (Brought-her-Grandma)

Lindzi (Horse-Girl, First-Impression-Rose, Seattle)

Blakely (VIP Cocktail Waitress)

Shawn (Big-Boobs, Green-Dress)

Kacie B. (Receptionist, Tennessee)

Jennifer (Accountant)

Gun-Shooting-Chick (What was her name? Someone help me out.)

Undecided

Hannah (Blogger, Awesome Person)

Casey S.

Erika

Samantha

Jaclyn (Hippo-Face)

Related posts: