The Bachelorette, Season Premier: Ashley “The Dentist” and Blondes v. Brunettes

What’s the one thing I love more than The Bachelor?  That’s right, The Bachelorette.  Why settle for 1 bachelor, when I can have 25?  Am I right, ladies?  Don’t worry however, gents, no discrimination here.  These 25 fine specimens will be subject to the same Blondes vs. Brunette battle and weekly scrutiny as the ladies of this season’s Bachelor.  Let’s start by clearly dividing the teams, and let me also continue by clearly stating my alliance to the Blonde team.  No matter what my personal preference in man tresses, I can never abandon my fellow brethren.  I would like to take this time to remind everyone that a blonde did in fact win the Bachelor.  However, what a lack luster victory, huh?  Brad and Emily nearly broke up for the first time the second the show finished airing. 

Team Yellow: Ben C., Bentley, Blake, Chris M, Jon, Lucas, Nick, Rob, Ryan P, William
Team Brown: Ames, Anthony, Ben F., Chris D.,Constantine, Frank, JP, Jeff, Matt, Michael, Mickey, Ryan M, Stephen, Tim, West

Well having listed the names out, I see I may have set myself up for failure by starting team brown off with a 15 to 10 advantage (and that’s even with me taking liberties on my idea of ‘blonde’… we’ll call team yellow ‘blondes and light brunettes’).  But I’ve always believed it’s about quality and not quantity, and aren’t we blondes known for our substance?  So without further ado lets re-ask the age old question and head down the road to getting some answers:

“Do Blondes really have more fun?” (…..according to Ashley Herbert)

-1 Team Brown: Ashley does an awkward lyrical dance
Lucky for me Ashley decided to switch teams (no, not in that way… she ditched the blond hair for brown) sealing the first point reduction for team Brown with her slightly too seductive dance solo.  Up until that moment I had no idea that she was a dancer, all I ever heard was dentist, dentist, dentist, therefore you can imagine my discomfort when her bare midriff lay in a sad dream like heap center stage.  I mean where was this coming from?  Had she been inspired by Tenley’s private dance for Jake 2 Seasons ago?

+1 Team Yellow: William wins for best home video
After throwing up in my mouth several times over Ryan P.’s ‘I’m genuinely trying to make the world a better place’ and Ames’ ‘I graduated from Columbia, and then from Columbia again.. oh and then I went to Yale, and I’ve run 39 marathons and visited 70 countries… did I mention I work on Wall street?’ I was relieved to see at least one guy not listing out his resume.  I mean let’s cut the bullshit, girl’s don’t care about a guy’s resume, it’s the 21st century… all we really care about is if he’s good looking…. and, if I’m being less shallow, perhaps if he has a sense of humor.  [enter William] I laughed as William’s umbrella turned inside out about 12 times and sensed sincerity and honestly as he talked about past girlfriends and his late father.  This is a keeper.

+1 Team Brown: Ben F. has the best entrance of the evening
Ladies (and gentlemen with a penchant for girly dating shows) if you’re like me, the introductions are hands down my least favorite part of every season.  They are almost always awkward, and I find myself squealing in embarrassment and disgust for most people upon their entrance into the mansion, like Mickey, for example, who was denied a kiss.  But every once in awhile someone makes a mark so effortlessly that it puts a smile on my face.  West came close with his broken compass set to always point ‘West’ and so did Ryan M. with his candid photos, but nothing says a man after mind own heart like someone who walks out of the limo with nothing more than a bottle of wine and a smile.  Take notes, men, it’s all about simplicity.  Ben wins for not only treating the lady to a drink, but also casually telling her a little bit about himself by bringing his own homemade wine.

+1 Team Brown: Frank with the quote of the night
As always my weekly list would be incomplete without the quote of the night, and as is customary the quote of the night earns the speaker positive points for making me laugh.  Even if what they say is incorrect, idiotic and, in fact, a complete inaccurate recounting of an idiom like Frank today in reference to Tim… “If you can’t take the heat get out of the oven.”  Really, who the hell is stupid enough to go into an oven? I can’t say I’m surprise… doesn’t this guy just look like he would say something like that?

And speaking of Tim… 

-1 Team Brown:  Tim gets completely hammered, falls asleep, and snores loudly on national television
Here’s the thing, I feel this man’s pain, he clearly did not stack up to these other men in looks or ek… accent.  He had no other choice then to drink, right?  Of course I like to at least think that someone who works in the wine and spirits industry can hold his liquor well enough to articulate that to Ashely when she comes over to ask him what he does for a living.

+1 Team Yellow: Ryan P. gets the first impression rose
Sure, I personally was a little uncomfortable with his over-enthusiastic response when receiving the rose, he came off more like gay best friend then potential suitor in that moment.  I otherwise, felt pretty good about this one (sans pukey home video)… well I guess the point I’m getting at is I understand her position, he’s cute, I don’t blame her.  We’ll end at that.

-1 Team Yellow: Chris M. looks like Chaz Bono
It’s no surprise this poor clueless Canadian got the boot.  His crazy frosted tips left him looking like nothing more than than the spawn of Sunny and Cher.  Therefore, you can imagine my surprise when I checked out the bios on abc.com later this evening only to find that he’s actually not a bad looking fella, just a man who made a few unfortunate hair decisions.

Well folks, the above doesn’t even crack the surface of what’s to come.  We’ve yet to delve into the deep dark secrets of our latest Villain, Bentley, who’s reputation proceeds him, or masked man, Jeff, who wants Ashley to know the true him before showing his face…. (hey wasn’t this the premise for a different dating show a few years back and even a world renowned Broadway play?).

So hope you’ll come back next week to get more scoop.  In the meantime here’s the leader board and my personal picks of the week. 

Personal picks:

JP

Jon (this guy’s hot, can’t believe she ditched him on day 1)

Team Yellow: 1
Team Brown: 0
Team Yellow Wins Week 1 

But before you get too bent out of shape, brunettes, keep in mind no matter how biases my weekly competitions may be only the final decision truly counts, and that is not up to me but Ashley.