Previously on Dancing with the Stars: The whole season! Last week’s episode was heartbreaking, and while I was pulling for James Van Der Beek, it’s probably a good time to be with his family. It’s the finals and we’ve got Hannah Brown, Ally Brook, Lauren Alaina, and Kel Mitchell, only one of whom I had ever heard of before the season began. And it’s the one who played Invisible Boy in 1999’s Mystery Men. (Speaking of, I don’t think we really talk enough about how “Casanova Frankenstein” is an amazing name for a villain.)

Hey, Tom Bergeron! Did you hear ABC is doing more classic sitcom recreations next month? Do you know if they’re going to pre-tape, or are they going to air LIIIIIIIIVVVVVE!!!!!! 

And since this is a finale, we’re going to have crazy amounts of filler. I’m not going to recap every montage because I’m only one man and they have infinite capacity for montages on this show.

Let’s get to the dances!

Ally Brooke and Sasha Farber (30/30) – They’re reprising their Jive in this round and that’s not the way to win me over. It’s super energetic and actually pretty fun but I can’t get too geeked about a Jive. I’ve accepted this about myself. The intro is much too long and it feels like we don’t get much dancing as a result. Len says she didn’t hurt her chances of winning. Birthday Boy Bruno says this is the way you start a show. Carrie Ann alludes to some controversy and says that dance is proof as to why Ally should be there. Is there non-Spicer controversy? They get a perfect 30. We’ll get a lot of those tonight, I bet.

Lauren Alaina and Gleb Savchenko (27/30) – It’s a return to the Foxtrot for them, which they did back in Week Four. I’m always surprised when they don’t return to the more dramatic dances, but maybe a dance like the Foxtrot or a Quickstep is a better showcase for their progress. This is meant for the judges, not some dope like me who just wants to see some cape work. It’s another good dance. It was good the first time they did it and it’s better now. What else can I say? Bruno loves her commitment and improvement. Carrie Ann worries that she’s holding back. Len calls it “a mix of flair and care” as some set decorations collapse around him. Straight 9s get them a 27.

Kel Mitchell and Witney Carson (30/30) – Jazz is back! This is not a great week for dance styles that I enjoy. Once again, it feels like there are too many backup dancers and they get lost in the shuffle, but the style leaves Kel some room to play around and it all feels nice and polished. Carrie Ann says it was even better the second time. Len says it was terrific. Bruno calls it “life-affirming”. Man, that’s a lot of weight on a dance. It’s a 30!

Hannah Brown and Alan Bersten (28/30) – They’ve returned to the Viennese Waltz, which is my favorite of the return styles. It’s lovely, just like the first time they did it. I feel like I’m shortchanging this recap, but it’s hard to say something about people doing a good job on something they also did a good job on previously. Len thought the footwork was a little suspect but agrees with me that it was lovely. Bruno also points out an incident but says it was beautiful. Carrie Ann didn’t see any problems and calls it her best dance. They get a 28.

We get a break between dance rounds for a series of clips from the whole season. Then we get a song from NeYo (feat. Pitbull) accompanied by the eliminated couples. I am happier to see some of them than others, as I’m sure you can imagine.

And now…. it’s time for the Freestyle Round!

Ally Brooke and Sasha Farber (30/30; 60/60) – Ally emerges from a space egg and while there are a lot of backup dancers, she remains the center of attention. It’s very Latin-flavored, but also a true Freestyle with some truly amazing lifts and body contortions. There’s maybe too much dancing in sync with the others, but there’s also this incredible break where they’re both dancing in these weird staccato movements and I really enjoyed watching this. Bruno stands up and screams. Carrie Ann says she’s never seen anything like that before. Len calls it high energy and liked the Salsa aspects. It’s a perfect 30. Duh.

Lauren Alaina and Gleb Savchenko (30/30; 57/60) – It’s a country-themed Freestyle, which has been a successful recipe since Season Two. Once again, there’s a little too much dancing in sync with other couples, but once they showcase Lauren, it gets better. But for me, it’s kind of like elevated line dancing. It’s very good, but it’s not the best country Freestyle we’ve seen, and it’s certainly not as good as Ally’s. Carrie Ann says it was perfect for her. Len liked that she paid homage to her roots. Bruno is extremely enthusiastic. They get a 30.

Hannah Brown and Alan Bersten (28/30; 58/60) – More backup dancers but at one point, Hannah breaks away from them and raises her arms as flames kick up at the back of the stage. This one is definitely hip-hop inspired and visually spectacular. It showcases Hannah rather than the pair of Hannah and Alan, which is a risky move but I think the results are really great. Len didn’t expect this out of her and was impressed. Bruno says she did it all and loved the opening sequence. Carrie Ann points out a stumble but was still blown away. It’s another 30!

Kel Mitchell and Witney Carson (29/30; 59/60) – They have a car on stage! It’s another hip-hop flavored Freestyle and maybe they should have had a dance between his and Hannah’s, but this is a fun performance that feels like a really expert dance crew. The tempo gets faster and they match it and it gets really wild. I had a lot of fun watching this one. It’s nuts! This was Jason Mendoza’s dream for Dance Dance Resolution. Bruno loved the acceleration at the end because he gets me. Carrie Ann’s inner Fly Girl is losing her mind. Len thought it was too similar to their first dance of the night. It was good, but he wants variety. They audience turns on him. It’s a 29.

When they’re clustered this close, the scores are statistically almost meaningless, so it’s going to come down to votes and the votes usually go to the best Freestyle. I think Ally and Kel were the biggest crowd pleasers so for my money, it’s going to be one of them.

Cher performs while they count the votes. And then… it’s time for the results. We will no longer have to call Bobby Bones the reigning Dancing with the Stars champion! Fourth place goes to… Lauren and Gleb. Third place is… Ally and Sasha. That’s a surprise. So it’s Kel or Hannah. I’m thinking Kel but I don’t really know who the fan favorite is.

And the winner is…. Hannah and Alan! I did not see that one coming! She seems nice, so I’ve got no beef with the results. But man, when I pick two out of four people to win and I’m still wrong, maybe it’s time to hang up my shoes.

You know, if not for the Sean Spicer thing, this really would have been an exceptional season. Putting that aside, I had fun with everything else. Thanks for hanging out with us!

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