“Cake is eternal.”

That may as well so, but audience retention just isn’t. I watched all of this week’s episode and I was spectacularly nonplussed. Just monumentally uninspired. This episode reminded me I gave up on Voyager and returned for the last episode and gave up on Enterprise and returned for the Defiant/mirror eps and I don’t know why I keep watching this drivel but to provide content to Spunkybean.
I think I may swap over to The Mandalorian for columns because Discovery is just uninspiring. Which, you know, is the opposite of what you want from a Star Trek show. I mean, I was sitting there, dutifully taking notes, and I saw Michael get handed a doodad that had NCC-477- on it and instead of thinking ooo I wonder what that leads to I thought, “what a bunch of useless nonsense. That’s not turning into anything except yet another dopey 47 reference that is so played no one cares anymore.” Then some more of the episode went by and I thought how Saru gets all the good lines, and it’s because Saru is so badass that we (and, ostensibly, the writers) forget that three years ago he was a frightened cow that had no idea what space was, and now he’s captain of a starship. He commands not just a spaceship, Proconsul, but a starship. A very special vessel and crew. I mean, come on. This is like expecting me to learn how to be Tom Cruise in three years and starring in Mission: Impossible 9. But best to not think too much about that.
Like don’t think too much about how they aren’t taking the magical mushroom drive everywhere, instantaneously. It seems like you could check on the founding members of the Federation in a couple days, even including the time explaining you’re a ship from 900 years ago. Don’t think too much about that 1300-1500 year old tree in the middle of an urban area on the San Andreas fault. Don’t think too much about anything in this show if you have a critical eye, because the writers really aren’t. That malevolent force that’s been attacking for decades? Just a bunch of extras from Outland, of course. Just an old bitter dude under an alien helmet. Don’t look behind the curtain for a reveal that’s older than The Wizard of Oz.
Just don’t think too much about this show or you’ll realize they don’t know what makes a good Star Trek show, and you’ll realize they aren’t making it for people who like Star Trek and you’ll just give up and check in for the last couple episodes. It’s not like it’s the only Star Trek, now. Lower Decks is crushing it and we still have at least one more season of The Orville. I think I’m going to just have to let this one go. It’s not me, Discovery, it’s you.
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