I was in London all last week so I wasn’t able to write a column about “If You Want Peace, Prepare for War,” last week’s episode of Saru losing his mind but running really fast. I was able to watch it, where, in the UK, it is preceded by a title card that says “A Netflix Original Series,” so there’s that for Michael Sacal. But even if I had been able to sit down and think about it, nothing much happens. There’s an entire episode built around Saru being a coward. Well, we all know that. It’s the main function of his character. I love Doug Jones, and I love the literally otherworldly look of his character, but nothing much happens. Space butterflies might help the Discovery somehow, but then they go full Organian and call the Klingons. That’s it. An entire episode treading water to lead into the next one. Eight million dollars down the drain.

Then, last night’s? Beam over to the Klingon ship on a suicide mission to plant beacons that allow for a 3D rendering of the ship using a hundred and whatever micro-jumps to scan the ship whose plan would be instantly foiled if the Klingons moved over a foot and Captain Lorca gets a medal but gives it to the Executive in Charge of Toadstools after ordering him to endanger his life while his husband looks on and when that seems to go OK, Lorca orders him to do it one more time and then nothing much happens. 

This is the “winter break” episode, where for some reason CBS All Access wants to not only show its Binge City show once a week, but takes a completely unnecessary six week break, presumably to just collect another ten bucks from you for nothing, because who is going to remember to cancel their subscription and then start it up in January again? I haven’t said anything to the missus about it because it’s worth ten bucks to me to not have to deal with that stupidity again, but, come on, CBS. You’re just so crass.

But, yeah. The “winter break.” This should be a slam-bang episode. At the end… the cliffhanger everyone is waiting for? I turned to my wife and said if they bamf back into reality and a Constitution-class starship goes flying by, all will be forgiven. All these treading water episodes, all this unnecessary set-up has been in service of uniting the various permutations of the timestream and makes everything make sense and…

Naw. They just show up in a debris field. Yawn.

Honestly, this show is hard to write about because in these first nine episodes, there’s been about three episodes of plot and a bunch of filler. All the fan theories of what’s going on are more entertaining than the actual show itself.

I feel like Satipo in the beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark. You know, Alfred Molina’s character? The “throw me the idol; I throw you the whip” guy? Remember that bit just before Indy decides what to do to grab the idol, and he scratches his chin and he takes a small sack out of his Waring and Gillow British MKVII gas mask bag and fills it with sand to replace the weight of the idol? Satipo is looking longingly at the dais and is rubbing his fingers together in expectation that all his dreams will come true? Then he gets speared by a booby trap.

That’s me watching Star Trek: Discovery. I have all the expectations in the world, and…

Well. Nothing much is happening.

 

 

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