The big news this week is the premiere of the second Marvel Netflix series, Jessica Jones. How I’ll fit all those hours into an already packed schedule, I can’t even guess. But it will happen. Sleep is for losers!
Guys? I saw The Peanuts Movie on Larry Young’s recommendation, and it’s actually really good. The marketing makes it look all sappy and not Peanuts at all, but it’s about 95% right on the tone, and even the TV specials that Schulz worked on had happy endings so they get a pass on that. It’s genuinely funny, the characters act like they’re supposed to, and it’s packed with deep cuts Peanuts references. My only real gripe was that all the kids (except Sally) are in the same class. Lucy is supposed to be younger than Charlie Brown and Linus is even younger than her. Also, Peppermint Patty and Marcie live on the other side of town and go to a different school. But I’m old and care about these things. Point is, it seemed like something I would hate, and I ended up really enjoying it.
Here’s what to watch on TV this week!
8-9 Gotham – A hitman known as Eduardo Flamingo comes to town and I am freaking out. In the comics, Flamingo dresses like Purple Rain-era Prince and eats faces. The fact that he’s going to be on TV, even in a less extreme version, is really exciting. I believe that this would make him the newest character to appear on Gotham, too.
8-10 Dancing with the Stars – The couples take on a dance style that hasn’t been performed yet. I’m going to assume they mean “ever” and I look forward to seeing a Kickbox Waltz and the Astro-shuffle.
8-10 The Voice – Live performances begin as they stump for America’s vote. America’s making a lot of weird choices in that regard lately,
10-11 Fargo – Lou and Hank try to prevent an altercation and the Gerhardt clan prepares for battle. Also, Peggy and Ed defend their choices. Their terrible, terrible choices.
8-8:30 The Muppets – Scooter books Chelsea Handler on the show and I was trying to make some kind of joke and then I realized that none of the big Muppets have appeared on this show yet. You know – the ones who are actually guys in costumes? Where is Sweetums? Or Thog?
8:30-9 Fresh Off the Boat – Jessica hosts Thanksgiving to one-up her sister, while Eddie and his cousin learn about the Internet. This is 1995 Internet, when you could read the whole thing in one day. But it’s a couple years from 1997 Internet, when you could find EJ’s Homicide fanpage, hosted on Geocities and visited by nobody ever.
9-10 Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. – Ward’s plans to take down SHIELD don’t go as expected. Which should not be a surprise, since this is still an ongoing series and is unlikely to feature the destruction of the agency.
8-8:30 Grandfathered – Gerald starts dating the daughter from How I Met Your Mother, who I just now realized was also Angie on Agent Carter. You can learn a lot here.
8:30-9 The Grinder – Dean’s fame may be the only thing that can get him and Stewart out of trouble. That’s kind of a generic listing for this show.
9-10 Manhattan – The scientists and the Army battle for control of the bomb. Something tells me the Army may have the advantage.
10:30-11 Drunk History – This episode about Las Vegas finally features Paul F. Tompkins as a narrator. I. Can’t. Wait.
8-9 Survivor – One contestant puts personal safety at risk for immunity and three castaways known as “Witches Coven” stir things up. I feel like that definitely needs an apostrophe somewhere.
8:30-9 The Goldbergs – Beverly tries to get the entire family together for Thanksgiving, with Erica and Barry taking over the holiday toast. Is that a real thing that normal families do?
9-9:30 Modern Family – Everybody sneaks in to a house Phil is trying to sell. Hopefully it’s like that Webster house and has secret rooms and stuff.
9:30-10 Blackish – The kids get their hair cut before a Christmas card picture. I feel like my family did that maybe twice. I might do it again, but it’ll just be me and that awesome Batmobile I just got.
10-11 Nashville – Avery works on jingles for money. That’s not a bad gig, man. Or maybe it is. I don’t know much about jingle writing. I just want to seem like a big shot.
9-10 Empire – Famous victim of phone theft Vivica A. Fox guest-stars tonight! Also, there’s a rap-battle. Know what famous person is surprisingly good at rap-battles? Amy Poehler. True fact.
10-10:30 The League – We get one last Rafi and Dirty Randy episode before the end as the guys head to Puerto Rico. You know, when The League is over, I really hope they just do a Rafi special once a year.
10:30-11 You’re the Worst – Edgar tries to get in with Dorothy’s comedy friends. Don’t bother – comedy friends are too busy hating themselves and being jealous of everybody else. It’s not worth it!
10:30-11 Moonbeam City – Dazzle reconnects with his estranged stuntman father. I’m sure it’s out of the question, but I’d love or Burt Reynolds to play that role. Hooper lives!
8:30-9 Life in Pieces – Thanksgiving episode! And there’s a plot involving a corn maze. I have a long-standing fascination with corn mazes and absolutely no interest in ever participating in one.
10-11 The Player – It’s not listed on the schedule, but this is apparently the season finale and probably the series finale. I will miss you, you crazy show! And once this episode ends, I’m back to not watching any primetime shows on NBC. Farewell, Peacock Network. I’ll be back once you get your act together.
10-10:30 Nathan for You – Nathan helps a hotel cater to sexually active parents and shares his solution for never being late. The first two seasons are out on DVD this week, which means I can now watch “Claw of Shame” whenever I want and thus I’ll never get anything done.
11-11:30 Comedy Bang! Bang! – Jake Johnson guest stars in an episode shot from an upside-down studio. You just know Scott’s been sitting on that one for a while.
Jessica Jones – The entire season of Marvel’s new show hits starring Krysten Ritter as a former superhero turned private detective. David Tennant plays Killgrave and he looks to be super creepy and also great. I’ve also heard that Daredevil is set to make an appearance, which should be fun. Get ready to binge!
8-9 The Amazing Race – No information available!
8-9 MasterChef Junior – An astronaut visits the young chefs. Or maybe it’s a fake astronaut hired by Nathan Fielder to tell the kids that being an astronaut is too dangerous and they should be chefs instead. I’m wise to your game, Fielder!
9-10 Doctor Who – The Doctor, Clara, and Rigsy (from last year’s “Flatline”) find themselves in a secret alien world. This is the last episode before the two-part season finale. Kind of weird how they ran the season so late in the year that the Christmas special is basically just going to be a regular episode, isn’t it?
9-9:30 Ash vs. Evil Dead – Ruby helps Fisher and reveals her connection to the Evil Dead, while Ash follows a clue from a demon. It’s going to have to be a pretty clear clue for Ash to follow it, right?
11:30-1 am Saturday Night Live – Matthew McConaughey hosts! Also, Adele performs which is probably a big deal but the only song of hers I know is the theme to Skyfall. Which is way better than the theme to SPECTRE.
8-8:30 The Simpsons – Homer loses $5,000 in a poker game and so he has to loan Lisa out to a Broadway legend for a month. That sounds ludicrous, but I remind you, they’ve been on the air for twenty-six years.
8:30-9 Brooklyn Nine-Nine – Terry’s wife goes into labor and Holt had an encounter with his ex-boyfriend. His ex will be played by Nick Offerman, and I think we can agree that is some spot-on perfect casting.
9:30-10 The Last Man on Earth – Phil (the other one) continues to cause problems in the group, placing himself on Tandy’s level. And nobody can do anything about it, because he’s a bully. I really have problems with Phil 2, even though he’s played by the most charming man alive.
8-9 Flesh and Bone – The company hits financial jeopardy and Claire takes in interest in the strip club. Look. I know this is premium cable, but 8:00 may still be a bit too early in the night for this show. Honestly, I’m not even sure I’m old enough to be watching it.
9-10 The Walking Dead – Alexandria begins to pull itself together again and the Internet continues to rage on the Glenn question.
10-11 Into the Badlands – Premiere hasn’t aired yet, so none of these names mean anything to me, but I’m led to believe there will be nunchuks and motorcycles.
11-12 am Talking Dead – A panel of guests discuss the new episode. This week’s panel: Eric Wareheim, Charisma Carpenter, and Champion the Dog. (Panel subject to change because I just made them up.)
9-10 The Leftovers – “The world adjusts to the repercussions of what comes next.” That could not possibly sound more ominous.
12:15-12:30 am The Mike Tyson Mysteries – No information available, but the episode title is “Last Night on Charlie Rose“. It’s Mike vs. the oak table!
“Even for somebody who isn’t constantly thinking about the human being he killed, it can be hard to maintain a constant state of happiness.” — Forrest MacNeil
“I smell like gunpowder and beer and I don’t remember my last shower.” — Cameron Howe