I am back from the Waterfront Film Festival, and I’m exhausted. But look for movie reviews shortly. Also, due to seeing ten movies in two days, I haven’t had time to see Man of Steel yet, which is out of character for me. I will see it before Monday is over, though. Let’s just see if it makes me cry. It almost definitely will.
The schedule is short this week, and I’m not going to pad it because my computer’s broken and everything is much more difficult than it needs to be. So let’s just get right to it, and I’ll talk about video games next week. Cool?
Here’s what to watch on TV this week!
8-10 THE VOICE – It’s the live final performances! Who will shine? Who will… unshine? Will Shakira say something weird? Is any human being less natural on a talk show than Usher? Many of these questions will be answered, and we can only speculate on the rest!
10-11 THE WINNER IS… — I kind of like the premise of this show, where singers are pitted against one another, and you can bow out and still take home something if you take yourself out before they eliminate you. I like a reality show to have at least a degree of psychological torture.
8-10 THE BACHELORETTE — Um. The Bachelorette and one of the bachelors surprise Hurricane Sandy survivors. So many questions. Is it a pleasant surprise? And technically, isn’t anyone who was on the East Coast a Sandy survivor? Like, that would include Eric Trump, right? What I’m saying is that I hope they jump out from behind a couch and scare the hell out of Eric Trump.
10-11 MISTRESSES — It’s OK – I have been assured that all of the lead characters are now mistresses. In case you were writing an angry letter about the misleading title, you can now stop and resume complaining about salty language on TV. Including the words “bra”, “horny”, and “family jewels”.
8-9 AMERICA’S GOT TALENT — More auditions! I have nothing to add, except that Heidi Klum remains a delight. Also, those phones that play video but stop when you look away are terrifying.
9-11 THE VOICE — Season Finale! The winner is announced. That’s the only thing it says, so I assume they’re going to be announced very slowly. Possibly one letter at a time.
8-10 SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE — The top 20 finalists are revealed and then they perform. They only get the one show a week now, so they’re under some pressure to keep things moving.
10:30-11 INSIDE AMY SCHUMER – Amy fights an addiction and roasts a 12-year-old boy. Somebody’s got to put those preteens in their place! Kids today, don’t get me started.
8-10 MASTERCHEF — The contestants created a dish using foreign delicacies and then visit the set of Glee. This will be the most Glee I’ve seen since the superhero episode that I watched for reasons I no longer recall. Well, I guess “superheroes” was the reason. Seems pretty obvious, really.
10-11 FUTURAMA – Season Premiere! Good news, everybody! It’s a new season! Bad news, everybody! It’s the final season! Of course, we Futurama fans have seen more than one final season in our day. Still, it feels like they’re running out of channels at this point. This might be it. I plan to be sulky and noncommunicative as a result. This week, we get two episodes – Farnsworth joins a gang, and a romantic vacation goes very wrong. Treasure these moments, for they are sand in an hourglass.
So, if Game 7 of the NBA finals isn’t necessary, there should be a new episode of Wipeout. Let us all hope for a swift completion to the finals, a sweep if possible.
8-9 HELL’S KITCHEN – Well, we’ve finally made it to the Black Jacket phase. This week, the chefs are surprised by family members. They probably really miss them, given that this season began in 2011.
9-10 BURN NOTICE – Sam and Jesse travel to the Dominican Republic and Fiona helps Madeline with a bookie. You’re not really helping unless you work on her gambling problem, Fiona. Also, why not give somebody a gambling problem seven seasons in? Unless it’s just a dude she’s having trouble with and his occupation is irrelevant.
10-11 GRACELAND — Briggs helps Lauren with a case against the Russian Mafia, and a CI proves unreliable. I still haven’t watched this show, but its hanging out on my DVR, quietly demanding my attention.
9-10 666 PARK AVENUE – The last four episodes of the cancelled series begin airing tonight. As I’ve said before, it’s not a great show, but it’s super fun. This week, oh, who cares? The devil is up to shenanigans, nobody has survival instincts, and everybody is ridiculously attractive. It’s fun!
9-10 WHODUNNIT? – Series Premiere! I am ridiculously excited for this potentially awful series. It’s a game show based around a murder mystery. So it’s like dinner theater, only you don’t get to participate and nobody gives you breadsticks.
9-10 TRUE BLOOD – There are a million plots and a million characters, but my favorite is “Tara is victimized by a new government weapon”. That is a very specific weapon, and I feel like my tax dollars are being wasted.
9-10 THE KILLING – Bullet races to find a victim before somebody else does. I’d like Bullet a lot more if her name wasn’t “Bullet”. And then her potential girlfriend is named “Lyric”, and it’s the absolute worst. Look. I’m stuck with my name and I can’t imagine why somebody would choose to adopt a name that’s not an actual name.
10-11 MAD MEN – Season Finale! The official listing is “Don has difficulties”. Which isn’t quite as perfect as “Louie has a bad time in general”, but it’s close. I guess this is where we see if those Internet conspiracy theories were correct. And if not, look for people to start claiming that the show got it wrong.
10-11 COPPER – Season Premiere! 19th Century forensic science the way you demanded it! In the new season, Corcoran must learn to follow the rules of the new sergeant and Maguire awaits his fate. This show is great, and I’m glad it’s returning in time to fill the Mad Men void.
10-11 FALLING SKIES – The people of Charleston defeat an alien attack, Tom meets a powerful leader, and I marvel at the fact that there is an actress with the name “Moon Bloodgood”.
11-11:30 BOB’S BURGERS — No, it’s not a new episode. But the important thing is that Adult Swim is showing Bob’s Burgers now. This is fine news that should be celebrated.
12-12:30 am THE VENTURE BROS. – A dark secret from Dr. Venture’s past threatens his annual vacation to Spanikos. Yes, Spanikos. Also, can we agree that last week’s “Venture Libre” was the best episode without Brock? Like, ever?
“Some days, nobody dies at all. Now and then, every once in a very long while, every day in a million days when the wind stands fair and the Doctor comes to call, everybody lives.” — River Song
“We have a fiendishly clever commode. It’s already taken the bathtub as its porcelain ally in the war against us.” — The Tick