It’s a fairly short schedule this week with a bunch of season finales. The big news is probably the new season of Orange is the New Black on Netflix, plus all the HBO season finales. Speaking of Netflix, I just realized that next month they’re releasing Season Two of Bojack Horseman and the Wet Hot American Summer prequel series on the same day. This will be the best day.
I saw Spy this weekend, and it’s great. Everybody in it is really funny, and I was so glad to see Jason Statham playing a parody of every other Jason Statham character. And this Friday, we’ve got Chris Pratt vs. dinosaurs!
Here’s what to watch on TV this week!
8-10 AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR – It’s the Houston qualifying round, and one of the new obstacles is called “Swinging Spikes”. That sounds more like a Wipeout thing, right? This could potentially be hilarious!
10-11 THE ISLAND – Are you watching this show? It’s Survivor with no prize, only dudes, and it’s shot by the participants. It’s basically NBC dropping a bunch of guys on an island and telling them to try not to die. In two episodes, one person had to be removed from the show due to dehydration and another for dehydration and dementia. I’m not sure how this mess got on TV. And like I say, it’s shot by the guys who are trying to survive. And man, does it ever look like it.
8-10 AMERICA’S GOT TALENT – It’s amazing how quickly I will change the channel if I catch a few minutes of this and somebody does something dangerous. These are pre-taped and I know full well that I would have heard if somebody lost a hand in the audition rounds and NBC probably wouldn’t air it. And yet, I can’t handle the stress.
9-10 HELL’S KITCHEN – Season Finale! I hate to say it, but I feel like every year the contestants get a little worse. In previous years, you’d get to the top five and Gordon would be all excited about what they can do and now he just seems bummed that this is what he’s left with. Have they exhausted the resource of people who are too professional for Masterchef but not good enough for Top Chef?
8-9 MASTERCHEF – The cooks try to prepare the best crab dish and in the elimination challenge, they “create versions of dishes using corn”. Man, I hope they have to re-create a non-corn recipe with only corn. “This is my take on brisket, using corn.”
9-10 BULLSEYE – I still enjoy this show, but it’s no Wipeout. This is my second reference to Wipeout this week. Can you tell I really need Wipeout to come back?
9-10 WAYWARD PINES – This show has turned out to be surprisingly compelling! This week, Ben learns the truth about the town from his teacher and Ethan makes a shocking discovery outside of Wayward Pines. Check it out on Hulu if you haven’t seen it yet.
10-11 HANNIBAL – Will head to Europe in search of closure with Lecter. Yeah, “closure” should definitely be his priority. By the way, this show has the hardest to remember titles of any show ever. Like this year, the theme is “Italy”, so all of the episode titles are Italian food terms. This week? “Primavera”.
10-10:30 THE COMEDIANS – Billy agrees to hire Josh’s friend as a director, and he wants to do an unscripted night shoot in the woods. Man, I hope his friend is actually the Blair Witch guy. That would be fantastic!
ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK – Season Three hits today! And this season, they’re bringing in Daredevil! This is almost definitely not true, but I’m really just looking for a chance to talk about Daredevil.
12-12:15 CHILDRENS HOSPITAL – Glenn attends his family’s weekly Shabbat dinner in Sao Paolo. That would be amazing if this was just played completely straight and it was a look at the lives of a Jewish family in Brazil.
BBC AMERICA 9-10 ORPHAN BLACK – The Clones head to London to track down Castor. It’s rare that a show on BBC America has characters traveling to London. That’s generally their starting point. Well, that or Cardiff.
9-10 GAME OF THRONES – Season Finale! Stannis begins to march. Aww, man. I was hoping he’d end his march and wipe out all the characters I don’t care about before the end of the season. Like I’m going to wait a year living with the knowledge that I might have to see the Boltons again.
10-10:30 SILICON VALLEY – Season Finale! Richard waits for a verdict on Pied Piper’s fate and an unexpected drama brings viewers to the Condor Cam livestream. As a dude who’s watched a lot of livestreams from various zoos, I have no trouble believing that.
10:30-11 VEEP – Season Finale! It’s election night and Selina is falling apart. I’m going to be a nervous wreck, even though I don’t think she’s actually very good at being President. If there’s one thing this show has taught me, it’s that nobody is good at being President.
10-11 HALT AND CATCH FIRE – Bosworth tries to reconnect with his former life and a problem at mutiny threatens its survival. Here’s a thing I’m curious about – I don’t know much about the early (mid-eighties) online community. But it seems to me that the kind of games Mutiny makes are going to be wiped out when the Nintendo Entertainment System hits America and there are other options available. In the chronology of this show, that’s only a few months away.
11:30-12:30 am CHINA, IL – I’m not sure if this is the season finale, but it seems like a full hour would pretty much have to wrap up the season, right? Anyway, Baby Cakes wants a magical pet and Frank learns why women find him unattractive. Is it his weird pointy teeth? Because those freak me right out.
“She’s got a handprint on her neck. We didn’t find anything else on her. Except horse uterus.” — Brian Zeller
“I don’t play favorites with my kids. I love ’em all, even the ones who aren’t special.” — Linda Belcher