Hi all!

It’s a big TV week!  This week sees season premieres of Archer, Suits, and An Idiot Abroad, the series premieres of Kroll Show and Newsreaders, the series finale of Fringe, and so much more.  You’d better not make any plans, because your eyeballs are getting a full-fledged assault this week.  An assault of awesome!

It’s probably best to just get to the schedule, since I didn’t see any movies and I didn’t get much time to play Assassin’s Creed III this week.  Let’s get to the TV!

Here’s what to watch on TV this week!

MONDAY

ABC

8-10 THE BACHELOR – So, I watched this show last week for the first time in, oh, six years.  It made me sad all day.  Like, reality TV as a genre can be pretty sexist on a good day.  But this…  I’m not going to harp on this all season, because this is really territory for somebody smarter than I am.  But man, I died inside.

THE CW

8-9 THE CARRIE DIARIES – Series Premiere!  It’s a prequel to Sex and the City, which seems like the kind of thing that would have an audience.  Or not.  The original audience for that show may not be into teen dramas by this point, and the audience for teen dramas could not care less about a show their parents watch.  Also, they’re running the same episode again at 9, which seems really weird.  I don’t understand anything about this show!  But Martha from Doctor Who is in it, so good for her.

ABC FAMILY

9-10 BUNHEADS – Truly is evicted from her shop and Carl insists that Boo meet his parents…. Wait.  I just noticed that the title of this episode is “Channing Tatum is a Fine Actor”, and that is absolutely cracking me up.

CBS

10-11 HAWAII FIVE-O – A professor his murdered and his boss, teaching assistant, and a student all come under suspicion.  Just one student?  Somebody was an easy grader.  That was stupid, and I apologize.  You deserve better.

 

TUESDAY

FOX

8-8:30 RAISING HOPE – Jimmy participates in medical experiments to raise money for an engagement ring.  But thanks to guest-writer O. Henry, Sabrina sells her fingers!

8:30-9 BEN AND KATE – Tommy introduces his friends to his new girlfriend, who is Brittany Snow from Pitch Perfect.  Which I just saw.  (Because you were all wondering, no doubt.)

9-9:30 NEW GIRL – Nick’s father shows up, and Nick thinks it’s some sort of scam.  And get this – Nick’s dad is Dennis Farina.  I never would have come up with that, but that is actually perfect casting.  Woo!

9:30-10 THE MINDY PROJECT – Mindy tries to build a bunk bed.  Well, that should shut everybody up who thinks this show has plotting problems!

THE CW

8-9 HART OF DIXIE – Lavon lets his mayoral duties slip because he’s preoccupied with his personal life.  Who will wear sashes and cut ribbons?  WHO?!  (At this point, everything I know about the office of the Mayor comes from Diamond Joe Quimby.

NBC

9-9:30 GO ON – Ryan asks out Carrie’s friend but faces competition from Shaun White.  I feel like if you’re actually up against Shaun White, the woman in question has a very specific type that you probably aren’t.  If that made sense.  Which it almost definitely didn’t.

10-11 PARENTHOOD – Julia and Joel consider the long-term effects of adopting Victor, and Jasmine and Crosby are frustrated by Renee overstepping her boundaries.  In all fairness to Jasmine’s mom, Crosby cheated on her daughter a bunch of times.  If she has the chance to bust his chops, I say she take it!

ABC
9-9:30 HAPPY ENDINGS – Jane’s ex comes to visit, and Brad is surprised to find out that said ex is a woman.  I feel like that would have come up before.  Don’t married couples talk about their exes?

9:30-10 APARTMENT 23 – No information available.  Really, ABC?

FX

10-11 JUSTIFIED – Raylan tangles with a dangerous family keeping a dark secret, while Boyd takes on a snake-handling preacher.  But that’s kind of the plotline for the season, so this listing is not exactly helpful.  So instead I’ll mention that I just read Elmore Leonard’s new book, Raylan.  It’s a weird read, because the Raylan Givens on TV is not the same guy as the Raylan from Leonard’s books.  But he’s trying to sync up the two, bringing in supporting characters from TV and sometimes bringing in knockoffs.  (Like the way he merges the Bennetts and the Crowders into one family.)  It’s fun, but it also reads like Raylan Givens fanfic by the guy who created the character.

TBS

10-10:30 COUGARTOWN– The guys grow mustaches to look cool and Ellie trains Andy like a dog.  Bless your hearts, Cougar Town.  Bless them forever.

SPIKE

10-11 THE JOE SCHMO SHOW – An accident during a challenge sends Chase to the hospital.  Wow, they might have gone too far.  But given that the first episode involved stun guns, I suppose it was inevitable.

COMEDY CENTRAL

10:30-11 THE BURN – This week’s guests for the only part of the show that matters – Dave Attell, Natasha Leggero, and Judah Friedlander.  But what could you possibly find to mock about Judah?

 

WEDNESDAY

THE CW

8-9 ARROW – Oliver takes a break from being Arrow.  I think all superheroes need some time to themselves and just let people suffer in the meantime.

9-10 SUPERNATURAL – This episode has Castiel, Crowley, and Amelia.  Our Supernatural recappers will be happy about exactly two of those appearances.

FOX

8-10 AMERICAN IDOL – Season Premiere!  And now begins the part of the year when I don’t understand anybody’s references.

ABC

9-9:30 MODERN FAMILY – Haley has a new boyfriend, and he’s Jason Mantzoukas!  I can’t even express how delighted I am about this.  Not without the use of emoticons, at least.

10-11NASHVILLE– Rayna and Juliette prepare for their first concert together, and Rayna has a proposal for Liam.  I haven’t seen last week’s episode yet, and I can’t remember who “Liam” is, so I don’t have anything funny to say.

BRAVO

10-11 TOP CHEF – Restaurant Wars!  So somebody is definitely guaranteed to lose their mind this week.

COMEDY CENTRAL

10-10:30 WORKAHOLICS – Season Premiere!  The guys strive to be the funniest ones at an office roast.  So, I kind of passed on this show for a long time, even after Mitch Hurwitz professed to be a big fan.  What caused me to start watching over the break?  I don’t know, maybe a lady?  Get off my back, man!

10:30-11 KROLL SHOW – Series Premiere!  That’s right, Nick Kroll has his own sketch show.  The premiere has been on iTunes for a while now, and it’s great.  It’s a little like Mr. Show in the way the sketches feed into one another, there’s a bit of a lo-fi Tim and Eric vibe to a couple of the scenes, and I love the whole thing.

 

THURSDAY

NBC

8-8:30 30 ROCK – Jack and Liz go to Floridato settle Colleen’s estate, so Jenna and Tracy take responsibility for the show while they’re gone.  Thought question for the day – do you think the final episode of 30 Rock will also be the final episode of TGS?  It seems inevitable, right?

8:30-9PARKSAND RECREATION – Ann plans a bachelorette party for Leslie but Councilman Jamm derails the events.  Oh no!  They’re getting Jammed!  Also, Chris has a game night at Ben’s, which sort of feels like it would be Ben’s bachelor party.

9-9:30 THE OFFICE – The office gets an espresso machine, Clark returns to the show as Dwight takes him on a sales call, and Darryl interviews with Jim’s company.  Oh, also Pam surprises Jim with a visit, and hopefully Jim will be less jerky.  It’s the five-yard line, guys – let’s not have Jim drop the ball.  Please note, that might not be a workable sports analogy.

ABC

8-9 LAST RESORT – Shephard and Kylie try to bring down the President, while Marcus attempts to surrender the Colorado.  One episode to go!  (This entry does not have a joke.  I apologize.)

FOX

8-10 AMERICAN IDOL – The most unappealing roster of judges ever crushes innocence in Chicago.

LIFETIME

9-10 PROJECT RUNWAY ALL STARS – Season Finale!  The designers get four days to complete a mini-collection.  This season has been a lot better than the first All Stars season, but I’m looking forward to the return of Famous Original.  I’m in Tim Gunn withdrawal here!

USA

10-11 SUITS – Season Premiere!  Harvey and Mike take on a criminal suit that hits close to home for Mike.  So it’s either about drugs or fraud, right?  There may be more criminal activities that are Mike-adjacent, but those are the big ones.  And everybody thank Lenny for getting me into this show, because I wasn’t watching enough before.

FX

10-10:30 ARCHER – Season Premiere!  Yay!  Man, I love this show so much.  Does anybody want to talk to me about all day?  This week, Archer has amnesia and decides the best way to cure it is with a spa weekend.  Sure.  “Amnesia”.

10:30-11 LEGIT – Series Premiere!  I’m unclear as to the premise of this new show starring Jim Jefferies, but the promos are shockingly unfunny.  However, it does boast co-star Daniel Day-Lewis…  Oh, my mistake.  It’s D.J. Qualls.  I keep making that mistake!

ADULT SWIM

12-12:15 am NEWSREADERS – Series Premiere!  The news show from Childrens Hospital gets its own series.  These are always funny episodes, and given that none of the Onion shows got renewed, there’s a gap in the fake news market.

 

FRIDAY

FOX

8-10 FRINGE – Series Finale!  Five years of weirdness wraps up tonight with the Fringe Team vs. the Observers.  Actually, I still feel like what they’re really doing is wrapping up the season, since this season feels really disconnected from the rest of the series.  But a reboot of history and then a jump forward in time will do that do you.

IFC

10-10:30 PORTLANDIA – The Feminist bookstore hosts a comedy night.  I feel like I already know where that’s going, but I’m still excited to see it.

 

SATURDAY

SCIENCE

9-10 AN IDIOT ABROAD – Season Premiere!  Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant are sending Karl Pilkington to travel the world again, this time alongside Warwick Davis.  The first two seasons were great, and now there’s somebody who can be mad at Karl in person rather than over the phone.

NBC

11:30-1 am SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE – Jennifer Lawrence hosts!  She’s always really funny in interviews, but I can’t tell if that translates into being a funny performer.  Fingers crossed, I guess!

 

SUNDAY

ABC

8-9 ONCE UPON A TIME – A stranger may be a threat to the true identity of the townspeople.  When is a stranger not a threat?  Never, I say!  That’s why I haven’t made friends since 1997.  They’re all up to no good!

9-10 REVENGE – Emily stands by Daniel as he faces his fiercest business rival – one Lex Luthor.  That is probably not going to happen, but leave my fanfic alone.

10-10:30 HAPPY ENDINGS – Max vows revenge when his friends trick him into thinking that he’s won the lottery.  Well, that’s a pretty crappy prank.  Max – you might have terrible friends.

10:30-11 APARTMENT 23–Chloe gets jealous when James focuses all of his attention on getting into shape for Dancing with the Stars.  Wait.  He has already been eliminated, right?  There was a whole episode about it.  What is up with the continuity on this show?

“Hi, yes, I’d like to order a last minute stripper.  Um, preferably of Asian heritage, very bendy, with a heart of gold and a crotch of gold.” – Jess Day

“And that’s the reason I never have sex with my coworkers.  That… and no one ever lets me.” – Pam Poovey

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