It’s Super Bowl Week, which most likely doesn’t affect anything you’re doing until maybe the day of the game. But I’m tired and I’ve been sick for two days so I’m really just trying to get through this intro before I lay down again. I’m sorry. You deserve better but I can’t provide better.
Here’s what to watch on TV this week!
8-9 Celebrity Big Brother – I have no idea how the competition/eviction schedule will play out, but I have to say the Scaramucci twist was pretty lame. But the part where nobody knew how to work a swing was the funniest thing I’ve seen in 19 years of this franchise.
10-11 Manifest – Michaela investigates a hiker named Zeke and the public turns against the passengers of Flight 828. I was going to make a joke about how weird that would be to have the public just freak out on people who were the victim of circumstance and then I remembered that Sandy Hook parents still get death threats, so there’s a bummer right away.
10-11:16 I Am the Night – SERIES PREMIERE! They’re billing this as a follow-up to The Alienist despite having no connection whatsoever. I guess in the sense that it’s a TNT miniseries. But this period crime drama that’s at least partially about the Black Dahlia murders is directed by Wonder Woman‘s Patty Jenkins and stars noted handsome man Chris Pine. It looks good!
As of right now, the TV listings show the State of the Union Address at 9:00 and it’s only listed for ABC. I have no idea if any of that is accurate and I will not look for a second source.
10-10:30 Drunk History – It’s stories about baseball this week, including the real-life sisters who inspired A League of Their Own. Oooh, and the Black Sox scandal! Those are two of the only baseball things I know. Can the third segment be Yogi Berra’s malapropisms?
10:30-11 Corporate – Jake tries to market makeup to men and then he and Matt fail to play along with a bit on a podcast. Oh, wait. That last part is what happens in real life.
8-9 Celebrity Big Brother – No information available! But the show listing now calls her “Julie Chen Moonves”, so clearly CBS is just rolling their eyes and leaning into it.
8-8:30 The Goldbergs – Adam joins the baseball team – why is every show about baseball this week? Did the Super Bowl switch sports?
8:30-9 Schooled – Mellor tries to help out the failing mathletes and how did it take this long for TV to just give us that Bryan Callen sitcom we’ve been asking for?
9-9:30 Modern Family – The listing includes the word “vlogger”, so I refuse to learn any more about it. I’m old and refuse to learn new concepts.
9:30-10 Single Parents – Hey, Vanessa Bayer was really good on this show. They should find a reason for her to stay even if there are giant plot complications. Everybody on board?
8-9 Gordon Ramsay’s 24 Hours to Hell and Back – Gordon goes to Connecticut to revamp Stone’s Throw. Hopefully he starts with the name.
10-11 Deadly Class – Marcus navigates a prank war and everybody prepares for a big dance. We’re all just overlooking that these things happen at Murder School, right?
10-10:30 I’m Sorry – Andrea tries to get a massage to relax and also to teach her child the value of a dollar. How great is it that Lennon Parham and Scott Aukerman are popping up on this show now? They have all the good guests!
10:30-11 Jon Glaser Loves Gear – Steve turns up alive, which threatens to make things very difficult for Jon, who just wants to show us the newest golf gear. Also, the listing calls Steve “a ghost from gear past” and I laughed very hard at that.
8-9 Gotham – A military task force is called in to provide relief. Ed tries to get answers from Penguin, who leads him back to Hugo Strange. Yes! Strange is back! It’s like they’re on the “Bringing Joy to EJ One Last Time” World Tour. Oh, also the title is “Pena Dura”, which is the prison where Bane grew up. Whee!
9-9:30 Brooklyn Nine-Nine – All of the stories involve Gina, so I’m guessing this is Chelsea Peretti’s last episode. Luckily the storyline is that she’s leaving for another job so I probably won’t cry. Nah, I will.
8-9 Top Chef – The chefs go to Nashville which sounds like a big sham since this is Top Chef: Kentucky. My Congressman will be getting a call!
10:30-11 The Other Two – Brooke and Cary tag along when their brother is invited to a movie premiere. This show is very funny and I’m so happy to see Drew Tarver get a lead role. That guy is good!
9-10 Crazy Ex-Girlfriend – Rebecca and Greg take a day trip and Paula has a stressful day. I feel like this show has gotten a lot more low-stakes as it winds down.
9-10 Hell’s Kitchen – Based on the trailer, it looks like Mia gets wasted during dinner service. I very much hope that’s an accurate portrayal.
11:30-1 am Saturday Night Live – Halsey hosts and I don’t know what that means.
Well, tonight is the Super Bowl on CBS. And that means we also get the Kitten Bowl and Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet. I don’t follow football but Tom Brady is a MAGA guy so, with all due respect to Mike “Spoonman” Mitchell, I hope the Patriots get beat so badly they aren’t legally allowed to be a football team anymore.
8-9 Counterpart – No information available! Cool. Well, we have one more listing to go so we’ve got one more chance for a strong ending.
9-10 True Detective – No information available! Dammit.
“You wanna know what a real rash is? I’ll tell you! You get a rash somewhere on your body, it hurts so bad that you go blind! You blow up like a balloon, end up looking like a circus freak. Next thing you know, you’re in the circus. Touring, making good money.” — Coach McGuirk
“Remember, real men keep their emotions bottled up until they explode, and then they punch something that has nothing to do with what they’re mad at.” — Earl Hickey