Hi all!

We’ve got another week without any big premieres or finales, but there’s still a lot of stuff to watch.  Just check out Wednesday – it’s ridiculous!  TV is taking care of us, pumpkin.  Don’t you worry your little head about it.  There’s still more Breaking Bad, after all.

This weekend, I went to the beach and went swimming.  Ordinarily, this isn’t something I’d feel compelled to share, but the fact is that Saints Row IV comes out on Tuesday, and that’s going to be the end of me leaving the house and talking to people.  I actually think it’s an acceptable trade-off, because Saints Row IV looks freaking amazing.  If you don’t hear from me again, just know that I’m in a happier place.

Here’s what to watch on TV this week!

MONDAY

NBC

8-9 AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR – It’s the Denver Finals, with two brand new obstacles – the Floating Stairs and the Pole Grasper.  Is that last one the filthiest name for an ANW obstacle to date?  Yes, yes it is.

CBS

10-11 UNDER THE DOME -  A mysterious woman makes an appearance in Chester’s Mill.  Which is not a plot that really makes sense on this show.  I can’t decide if I’m still watching this show because I think it has potential or if we’re locked in mortal battle and eventually we’ll go over Reichenbach Falls together.

 

TUESDAY

NBC

8-9 HOLLYWOOD GAME NIGHT – Among the famous people playing board games this week are LOST‘s Dominic Monaghan and Parks and Recreation‘s Aubrey Plaza.  So how do you not watch that?

9-11 AMERICA’S GOT TALENT – Twelve acts perform, and everybody gets to bring back a wild card act.  We’re all hoping that the levitating throat singer gets another shot, right?

USA

10-11 SUITS – It’s the long-awaited flashback episode!  We’re going to see what was going on before the first episode in this zero issue.  I hope they go way back and we see them in high school, only they’re all in high school together for some reason.  And played by the same actors, but the other students are age-appropriate.  This is why I’m not in charge of Suits.  Or anything.

COMEDY CENTRAL

10-10:30 DRUNK HISTORY – This week’s cast includes Tony Hale and Meriwether Lewis, Aubrey Plaza (two sightings in one night!) as Sacagawea, Casey Wilson as Dolly Parton, and Jack McBrayer as William Jennings Bryan.  So that should be pretty great, right?  Also, I don’t see anybody credited as Clark.  Will Lewis be alone?  Is somebody so drunk that they forgot the John Oates of the explorer set?

10:30-11 THE JESELNIK OFFENSIVE – Thomas Lennon and Marc Maron are the panel guests this time.  I find that I like Maron more as an idea than as an actual dude.  This has no bearing on anything, but sometimes I like to share my thoughts.  I don’t have to fit into your neat little box, Dad!

 

WEDNESDAY

CBS

8-9 BIG BROTHER – Veto competition!  And Aaryn is the head of household again, so that’s what we’re stuck with.  It’s pretty much a house full of jerks at this point.  Which doesn’t mean I’m not going to watch obsessively.  I’ll just feel yucky about it.

FOX

9-10 MASTERCHEF – The cooks must re-create popular dishes served at a fine-dining restaurant in downtown Los Angeles.  I’m a sucker for that kind of challenge.  Somebody always just starts with the wrong base ingredients and suddenly they’re using radishes instead of lobster and Joe gives them the death glare, and it’s basically amazing.

NBC

9-10 AMERICA’S GOT TALENT – Four acts move on and comedian Tom Cotter performs.  Deep down, I know that’s not the host of Comic Strip Live in the late 80s, but I’m not going to look it up either.  We can all be surprised together!

10-11 CAMP – Mack offers to host a wedding for Grace’s dads, Roger throws a bachelor party, and Sarah suffers the social consequences of the scandal.  Or possibly of the TV show Scandal.  There’s no way of knowing!

BBC AMERICA

10-11 BROADCHURCH – Fingerprints at the murder scene lead Hardy and Miller to a surprising suspect.  Hey, guys?  If you have to look up any information about this show, say, if you forget a character’s name or something, don’t Google it.  This aired months ago in England and people would really like to spoil it for you.  I managed to get free without having anything major ruined, but it was almost a disaster.

FX

10-11 THE BRIDGE – The El Paso police corner their prime suspect, while Linder crosses the border.  You know, I’m currently watching three shows that have season-long arcs about catching a murderer.  This is just the kind of thing to sour me on humanity.

BRAVO

10-11 TOP CHEF MASTERS – Restaurant Wars!  The chefs open Los Angeles-themed restaurants.  Man, I hope one of them is the restaurant they use in tonight’s Top Chef.  Or else the two shows bump into one another on the LA streets and rumble, Anchorman style.

COMEDY CENTRAL

10-10:30 FUTURAMA – Three episodes to go, and the crew is trapped on the ship with an alien creature.  That’s all the information they’re giving me!  I’m just hoping we get one last “Bam” from Elzar before it’s over.  Just watch how I’m going to get more and more depressed over the next couple of weeks.  It’ll bring tears to your eyes, provided you’re emotionally invested in my happiness.  Which you’re not.

 

THURSDAY

ABC

8-9 WIPEOUT – So, tonight’s episode is titled “How Jill Got her Groove Back”.  I am totes in favor of more Jill Wagner-themed episodes of Wipeout.  I watched Teen Wolf for her, people.  Teen Wolf!  And I am an adult male and everything!

CBS

9-10 BIG BROTHER – Live eviction!  Plus, one of the jury members comes back to the house!  So far, I like the three jurors better than anybody still playing the game, so unless the newest evictee comes back into the house immediately, it’s a win for me!

USA

9-10 BURN NOTICE – Michael is conflicted over the mission, as he and Sonya travel to Mexico to help James.  Maybe they’ll run into Linder from The Bridge!  I am forcing a lot of crossovers this week, and I apologize for that.

LIFETIME

9-10:30 PROJECT RUNWAY – The designers go on a camping trip, and that’s inherently hilarious.  However, they are calling it “glamping”, which is a term I first heard on the South African tourism episode of Celebrity Apprentice last season.  I am not cool with concepts from that show sneaking out into actual good shows.

ADULT SWIM

12-12:15 am CHILDRENS HOSPITAL – The doctors rally to save a ward for imaginary friends.  Hee!  Also, five episodes in and it’s the first pretense at doing something medical.  That has to be a record, right?

12:15-12:30 am NTSF:SD:SUV:: – A chain restaurant is attacked by a violent competitor.  Also, the promo has Karen Gillan grinding June Diane Raphael on a dance floor, and I had no idea they were producing scripts based on my fanfic.

 

FRIDAY

IFC

10-10:30 COMEDY BANG! BANG! – With special guest Andy Richter!  Scott and Reggie visit New York and try investing their money, and probably a million other things happen, because this show moves fast.

 

SUNDAY

CBS

8-9 BIG BROTHER – Nominations!  My prediction is that whoever ends up as Head of Household will think it’s “too soon” to nominate Amanda.  They will also think this when it gets down to the final three.

ABC

8-9 FAMILY DANCE-OFF – Guys.  This is a special, hosted by Derek Hough, in which five families compete in a dance-off.  I just like the idea of my family participating in the most awkward dance number ever.

AMC

9-10 BREAKING BAD – Jesse wants to make a change!  Walt and Skyler manage an unexpected demand!  Probably relating to placement of air fresheners, I bet.  Yeah, the final season is just going to be a sedate affair in which the Whites manage their finances and discuss impulse buys.  That seems feasible, right?

10-11 LOW WINTER SUN – Frank and Geddes work to cover up the evidence in McCann’s murder.  I’m a little lukewarm on this show so far – the pilot didn’t grab me the way Broadchurch did.  I really hope it doesn’t turn into a thing where I can tell it’s well-made, but I just don’t care.  We don’t need another Boardwalk Empire!

11-11:30 TALKING BAD – Chris Hardwick talks to a celebrity Breaking Bad fan about tonight’s episode.  I really hope they get Conan O’Brien before the end.  That would delight me.

BBC AMERICA

10-11 COPPER – Corcoran finds a close friend in peril, Freeman wants to join forces with Morehouse, and I’ve realized this series works a lot better in big chunks.  I got way behind and watched four episodes in a row and loved it.  On an episode-by-episode basis, it doesn’t work nearly as well.

ADULT SWIM

12-12:15 am AQUA TV SHOW SHOW – Shake attends an intervention for his crippling addiction to shellfish.  With his income, that really seems like a dangerous habit.  (Note:  I assume that shellfish is very expensive.  I don’t actually know.)

“That’s my bottle.  I’m not gonna let you drink it all just because your daddy didn’t hug you much when you were little.” — Art Mullen

“God creates all men equal.  Once they get out of the womb, He starts playing favorites.” — Vic Mackey

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