Hi all!

After a light couple of weeks, I’m happy to report that TV is back.  Not only do we get season premieres of The Americans, Hannibal, Survivor, and The Voice, but Archer, Parks and Rec, Community and more all come back from their breaks.  There is so much to watch this week, I recommend that you get started now.  Watch things before they air – it’s the only way to get caught up.  Also, it’s Oscar time!  Going to be a long week…

No movies to talk about this week, because I just saw LEGO Movie again.  Still great.  If you haven’t seen it, you’re misguided.  Not bad, just misguided.

Here’s what to watch on TV this week!

MONDAY

NBC

8-10 THE VOICE – Season Premiere!  It’s a whole new season of blind auditions, spinny chairs, and a strange commitment to boxing imagery.

FOX

8-9 ALMOST HUMAN – Kennex and Dorian learn that a murder suspect is using his victims’ DNA to pursue perfection.  But what’s beyond The Wall?  And why didn’t they introduce that earlier in the season?  Come on guys – you can’t start the world-building soon enough for my tastes.

FX

10-10:30 ARCHER – It’s back!  This week, Malory buys a bus and takes everyone one a road trip.  Because it seems like a great idea to find an even more confined space for the former ISIS crew.  Also, I absolutely love that Pam has been eating cocaine.  I don’t think we’ve ever seen her snort it.  It’s such a weird detail.

 

TUESDAY

NBC

8-9 THE VOICE – More blind auditions!  ‘Tis the season for me to write listings for singing shows that I don’t watch / Fa la la la la / la la la la

FOX

9-9:30 NEW GIRL – Linda Cardellini decides to stay in L.A. and Winston avoids checking his LAPD entrance exam results.  It’s been two weeks, and I still can’t believe what a good line “Have you seen a girl who looks like me, but with chaos in her eyes?” is.

9:30-10 BROOKLYN NINE-NINE – Jake turns to Gina for help when his debt gets out of control, while Holt and Terry hold performance reviews.  I would seriously watch an episode that was nothing but Hitchcock and Scully getting their reviews.  Please make that a DVD extra…

ABC

10-11 MIND GAMES – Series Premiere!  Christian Slater’s third attempt at a network series since 2007, this one has a premise that sounds exactly like Psych only with more white people.  The ads have been a little bit funny, but nothing that’s going to make me say “I should watch this instead of Justified“.

FX

10-11 JUSTIFIED – Boyd and the Crowes fly south for a big score and Raylan goes after a small-time grifter.  Man, I can’t think of anything more entertaining than the Crowes in Mexico.  Especially if they bring Dewey along.  Please, please bring Dewey along.

TBS

10-10:30 COUGAR TOWN – Tom helps Ellie finish a novel she started years ago.  I have a feeling Ellie’s novel would be a window into madness.

COMEDY CENTRAL

10:30-11 KROLL SHOW – The Rich Dicks join an underground rebel group, and the assistant from PubLIZity gets her own show.  Plus: Young Larry Bird!

 

WEDNESDAY

CBS

8-10 SURVIVOR – Season Premiere!  I didn’t realize this was starting so soon!  And while the “Beauty / Brawn / Brains” premise is maybe the dumbest since Survivor: Race War back in the day, the show has been really solid for the last few years.  Survivor is one of those shows where I’ll just bail on a season if the first couple of episodes don’t grab me, but it’s been years since that’s been an issue.

FOX

8-10 AMERICAN IDOL – The thirteen finalists perform.  Can I make it the entire season without learning their names?  Smart money says I can!

ABC

9-9:30 MODERN FAMILY – Rob Riggle guest-stars when Luke wrestles the son of Phil’s nemesis.  There’s also an incident with head lice, because children are filthy.

9:30-10 MIXOLOGY – Series Premiere!  I don’t know, man.  This is some nonsense about eleven single people interacting with one another and the whole season takes place over the course of one night.  It’s one of those things that could be amazing but might be terrible.

10-11 NASHVILLE – A producer wants to make Juliette a superstar, even though she sort of already was.  I am legitimately confused by this premise.  Hey, famous country star!  How’d you like to be famous?

FX

10-11 THE AMERICANS – Season Premiere!  The first season of this show was so much fun, and I’m geeked to see more KGB antics in the eighties.  Elizabeth is back from her injury!  Paige’s suspicions increase!  Stan continues to fall for a Russian agent!  Get ready for the perfect mix of cheesy and awesome!

FXX

10:30-11 ALI G: REZURECTION – Series Premiere!  Sort of!  This is actually just a rebranding of Da Ali G Show.  As far as I can tell, it’s the HBO series from 2003, plus some BBC episodes that didn’t air in the U.S.  If you haven’t seen the show, it’s highly recommended.

 

THURSDAY

NBC

8-8:30 COMMUNITY – Jeff helps Duncan romance Britta, Abed accidentally destroys some of Hickey’s drawings, and Chang has a supernatural experience.  In a somewhat related note, my figure of Wizard Duncan from the stop motion episode fell off the shelf and broke.  So, in a sense, I’m a modern day Job.

8:30-9PARKS AND RECREATION – Ben tries to surprise Leslie with an anniversary gift and April flexes her authority as Donna’s boss.  This episode will be full of death stares!

10-11 PARENTHOOD – Julia’s siblings offer support during a tough time, Crosby and Jasmine move in with his parents, and Drew turns to Amber for advice on girls.  And those of us without sprawling yet close-knit families will not be able to view this as anything but science fiction.

FOX

8-9 AMERICAN IDOL – Somebody is eliminated and “Jake Bugg performs”.  OK, there’s no way that’s a real person.  You guys are just messing with me now.

IFC

10-10:30 PORTLANDIA – Season Premiere!  A young woman is haunted by smart ghosts.  Other things also happen!  You know what?  I’m tapping out.  Each season was less funny than the one before, and I can’t think of anything from last year that I really enjoyed.  Plus, they did that gross “girls can’t be nerds” sketch.  Sorry, but I’m done.

 

FRIDAY

Hey – there is some confusion as to whether Kitchen Nightmares premieres at eight tonight.  And by “confusion”, I mean that the DVR schedule shows that Bones is on in that slot, but it also shows that I will be recording Kitchen Nightmares at that time.  We’ve got a Schrödinger’s Cat on our hands!

FOX

9:30-10 RAISING HOPE – Tommy Chong plays Cloris Leachman’s new boyfriend.  This is a very strange time in our culture.

NBC

10-11 HANNIBAL – Season Premiere!  I caught up on this over the break and I really liked it.  It turns out all the comedians I follow on Twitter and also my friend Sam were right.  You should watch it!

 

SATURDAY

NBC

11:30-1 am SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE – Jim Parsons hosts!  So NBC will have the stars of TV comedies as hosts, just not the stars of any of their own shows.  Seriously, is there any reason not to have Chris Pratt host?

 

SUNDAY

CBS

8-9 THE AMAZING RACE – No information available!  The title is “Baby Bear Soup”, which is potentially horrifying.

ABC

8:30-11:30 THE OSCARS – Awards for movies!  I actually can’t think of anything to say, except that I liked American Hustle a whole lot.  And no Seth MacFarlane this year!

AMC

9-10 THE WALKING DEAD – “An enlightening mission springs from a request from one of the group members.”  Ah, AMC listings.  Never change.  Beyond that, let’s discuss the fact that Lizzie is a terrifying sociopath.  I can’t imagine where you go with a story once you establish that a small child is willing to smother a baby, so let’s all find out together!

10-11 TALKING DEAD – Guests discuss the episode they just watched!  No word on who the guests are.  Maybe I’m one of them!  They’d tell me ahead of time, right?

 

“Hmmmm.  It says here that if a person’s not married by 35, he’s got a better chance of being robbed at gunpoint by a desperate and somewhat bloated Christian Slater.” — Harvey Birdman

 

“It reminds me of when my dad made me choose which of my pet calves to slaughter with my own hands for my sixth birthday.  I couldn’t choose, so I slaughtered both of them.  And they were delicious.” — Ron Swanson

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