Hi all!

It’s Halloween week, which is as spooky as all get out. Ready yourselves for fear! There’s not much in the way of premieres this week – Apple launches their new streaming service on Friday, but none of us can afford that with Disney+ in two weeks and HBO Max looking more and more like a must-see. Afraid I can’t pony up more money even for…. a romantic comedy based on the life of Emily Dickinson? There’s a tough sale.

Here’s what to watch on TV this week… if you dare!

 

MONDAY

ABC

8-10 Dancing with the Stars – It’s a night of terrifying Halloween-themed performances! I go into this every year wanting “Werewolves of London” or maybe Tom Waits’ appropriate if not explicitly monster-themed “Poor Edward” and this year I am terrified that Sean Spicer will end up with one of those songs and then I’ll just have to quit.

HBO

9-10:15 The Deuce – SERIES FINALE! Man, I can’t help but feel like none of these people are going to have happy endings. These mob-connected pornographers aren’t going to meet their grandchildren, you know?

 

TUESDAY

NBC

9-10 This Is Us – Kate and Toby try to make time for their marriage and Jack attempts to prove himself to Rebecca’s dad. Why bother, Jack? Your days are numbered. Man, I’ve feeling very fatalistic today. It’s like I just watched eight episodes of BoJack Horseman in a row.

USA

10-11 Treadstone – Bentley searches for answers and Edward meets an asset. I don’t know the names of any characters on this show! Also, I realized last week this was developed by Heroes creator Tim Kring and it made me very upset.

 

WEDNESDAY

CBS

8-9 Survivor – No information available! They can’t make me play their game!

FOX

8-9 The Masked Singer – Six of the remaining masked singers sing in masks. Did you guys see Lindsay Lohan chew out the winner on the Australian version? She figured out who it was and called him out on all sorts of personal stuff and she maybe had a point but also nobody’s going to let her on live TV for a while.

ABC

8-8:30 The Goldbergs – Beverly and Adam think the house is haunted and call a psychic. Maybe it’s the Ghost Realtor from Nathan for You!

8:30-9 Schooled – Coach Mellor is excited to do a couple’s costume for Halloween and if this was set in the modern day, I would pitch Frank and Sadie Doyle. Toast of the upper crust. Headliners on the society page. And, oh yes, they see ghosts.

9-9:30 Modern Family – It’s the show’s last Halloween episode and the last time we have to suspend our disbelief when they throw together home decorations that would easily cost ten thousand dollars.

9:30-10 Single Parents – Hey, Will is dating one of the demons from The Bad Place! It took me a while to work that out but I’m going to recognize those people eventually!

ABC

10-11 Stumptown – Hoffman brings Dex in on a case even though she has to worry about her PI exam. And all the people who try to kill her all the time. She’s got a lot on her plate. This show has officially moved to “Record All” on my DVR. Congratulations, Stumptown!

FXX

10-10:30 It’s Always Sunny in PhiladelphiaFrank gets diarrhea so Charlie imagines a black-and-white noir world. There’s quite a leap between those two clauses that maybe requires more than a “so” by way of explanation.

10:30-11 Cake – The title of this episode is “Bullies” but there’s very rarely a thematic connection between shorts. That may not be useful information.

 

THURSDAY

NBC

9-9:30 The Good PlaceOne of the new residents creates a division in the ranks. Cool. Vague enough that I’m not spoiling anything for my friends. It’s like I’m living a double life with this show!

FX

10-10:30 Mr. Inbetween – An old friend takes the fall. I’m not trying to be vague on this one but that’s how FX plays the game.

 

FRIDAY

Apple TV launches today. And not the app that purports to link all of your streaming accounts – this is Apple as a content provider. It’s the beginning of what’s going to be a complicated couple of months of new streaming services. Apple is launching with several incredibly expensive shows, but they don’t have a history as a place where you go to watch new stuff. To be perfectly frank, nobody is talking about Apple TV, but they’re going nuts for Disney+ in a couple of weeks. I feel like this is going to be a bit of a bust and I can’t fit it into my streaming budget, so unless it turns out to be amazing and I feel like I’m missing out, this probably won’t come up again.

 

In the event that you have more money and time than I do, Apple’s launch shows available today are:

DickinsonA period comedy about the notoriously hilarious Emily Dickinson

For All Mankind – An alternate history Cold War drama

The Morning Show – Jennifer Aniston, Steve Carell, and Reese Witherspoon star in a drama set behind the scenes of a, well, morning show

See – Jason Momoa stars in a show about a future where humans have lost the sense of sight. The title is very literal.

 

SATURDAY

NBC

11:30-1 am Saturday Night Live – Kristen Stewart hosts. Last time she hosted, she said the F word during the monologue. Something tells me it’s going to he tightly scripted this time around.

 

SUNDAY

FOX

8-8:30 The Simpsons – Homer fulfills a lifelong dream of buying a boat and then realizes that boat ownership sucks. Hee! That’s a good episode description!

8:30-9 Bless the Harts – Betty and Jenny plot to get revenge on a nemesis. You know what this show needs? And I realize we’re only four episodes in, but they really need a strong supporting cast of weirdos. Local weirdos are a key part of any animated series.

9-9:30 Bob’s Burgers – The Belchers go to the mall where Tina is mistaken for a sleeping boy’s girlfriend and Bob struggles to buy acceptable pants. Been there, Bob. This would be good place to mention that I have lost two pant sizes except that this isn’t about me. This is about Bob.

AMC

9-10 The Walking Dead – Supplies go missing and somebody idolizes Negan. It’s weird how Negan went from being the worst thing about this show to one of the best – partly because he remained consistent while the overall quality dropped and partly because he’s the only one left with a personality beyond “somber”.

HBO

9-10 Watchmen – An FBI agent heads to Tulsa to investigate the recent high profile murder and “the Lord of the Manor” receives a harshly worded letter. They are committed so hard to not confirming that Jeremy Irons’ character is Adrian Veidt that I’m starting to doubt it myself.

10-10:30 Silicon ValleyRichard meets a potential investor which is a bold new direction for this show to go in, right? I actually really like this show and I’m going to miss it, but also it has about three episode plots in six seasons. Richard meets a potential investor, there’s a problem with the tech, or…. OK, there are two episode plots.

10:30-11 Mrs. Fletcher – Eve is torn between a real-life date and the fantasy world. The premiere hasn’t aired as I write this so I don’t have any context for that, so I like to imagine that she’s super excited to play Death Stranding.

 

“I wish I could say I outdid myself, but I’m always this good. So I simply did myself.” — Tahani Al-Jamil

 

“I do not wish to see your gun. If I don’t, I promise not to show you mine. Do we have a deal?” — Gus Fring

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