Hi all!

It’s officially Premiere Week! There are so many shows starting up. And instead of including every new and returning show, I’m focusing on the ones that I or my friends watch. But if you scroll back one article, you can get a complete list of all the September premieres. There are so many!

Here’s what to watch on TV this week.

MONDAY

ABC

8-10 Dancing with the Stars – Hey, I had a lot of fun with the season premiere, putting aside a certain dude. But James Van Der Beek was an absolute delight and it’s hilarious that he has like a Jim Gaffigan number of kids. I would not have guessed he has a brood!

AMC

9-10 The Terror: Infamy – Hey, things get more depressing. And given that this is a show about ghosts hurting people in an internment camp, they don’t start out super happy from the jump.

10-11:10 Lodge 49 – Ernie meets someone from his past, Dud continues working with Blaise, and we’re getting very close to those Paul Giamatti episodes we’ve all been waiting for. This show is so much fun!

HBO

9-10 The Deuce – Hey, it’s weird to have HBO programming on Monday, right? I mean, that’s when they ran Chernobyl, but that was a miniseries. This is an established show and I don’t think they’ve run an ongoing series on Monday since the modern age of HBO began. I mean, I’m not going to pretend I remember when Dream On aired.

 

TUESDAY

ABC

8:30-9 Bless This Mess – SEASON PREMIERE! This fun sitcom is back despite the fist season kind of getting burned off when nobody was looking.

9-9:30 Mixed-ish – SERIES PREMIERE! The second Black-ish spinoff looks interesting, since it’s not only about a mixed family in an era when that wasn’t common, but they also just recently left a cult. There’s a lot going on here.

10-11 Emergence – SERIES PREMIERE! ABC goes back to the “plane crash causes mysterious things to happen” well again, but this iteration has a really good cast and I’ll probably watch it. Qualified support!

NBC

9-10 This Is Us – SEASON PREMIERE! The Pearsons are back and they’re sadder than ever!

FX

10-11:15 Mayans M.C. – Have I seen any episodes of this season yet? I have not. Is that going to be more of a problem with the new networks shows starting? You know it!

 

WEDNESDAY

CBS

8-9:30 Survivor – SEASON PREMIERE! Season 39 begins! That’s crazy, right? And the thing is, I know they do two seasons a year but that number still makes it feel like the show has been on since I was a tiny child.

9:30-11 Big Brother – SEASON FINALE! As I write this, we don’t know the Final Two, but we’re down to two people I kinda like and one who is intermittently entertaining but is also a jerk. But the main thing is, I’m waiting to see how non-finalist Christie can make the entire thing about her.

ABC

8-8:30 The Goldbergs – SEASON PREMIERE! It’s a Vacation tribute episode. They are almost out of Eighties things!

8:30-9 Schooled – SEASON PREMIERE! The premiere introduces a new science teacher which sounds like they’re adding a new regular, but I don’t know who it is. Promote your show better!

9-9:30 Modern Family – SEASON PREMIERE! The final season begins and, uh, it wouldn’t be a bad thing if maybe they’d pulled the trigger a couple of years ago.

9:30 Single Parents – SEASON PREMIERE! The kids are away for the summer and it’s weird how we don’t see a lot of specifically summer-themed episodes of network shows since they don’t run in the summer. We’re missing out on so many beach episodes!

10-11 Stumptown – SERIES PREMIERE!   This is the new show I’m most excited about. The trailer is super fun, it’s based on a comic I like, the cast is good. I want to watch this show!

FOX

8-10 The Masked Singer – SEASON PREMIERE! I wish I didn’t watch this show because it does employ a notorious anti-vaxxer who helped break the world, but it’s also dumb and fun and I have no principles.

FXX

10-10:30 It’s Always Sunny in PhiladelphiaSEASON PREMIERE! Frank and Charlie try to meet young European women and they are apparently set on forcing you to thing about Danny DeVito as a sexual being.

10:30-11 Cake – SERIES PREMIERE! This is a new comedy anthology series that combines comedy and live action, and yet the ad campaign does not show any jokes.

NETFLIX

Birders – This is a documentary about birdwatchers on the US-Mexico border, and I bring it up here because a couple of times a year, I consider getting seriously into birds. Like, I feel like that could be my thing if I really committed to it.

 

THURSDAY

CBS

8:30-9 The Unicorn – SERIES PREMIERE! Heck yes, I want to watch Walton Goggins in a sitcom. I’m looking forward to a CBS comedy! When does that happen?

10-11 Evil – SERIES PREMIERE! This looks like a Catholic X-Files and might not be good, but I really like the cast so they got me, those dirty sons of guns.

NBC

8:30-9 Perfect Harmony – SERIES PREMIERE! I don’t fully understand the premise of this show where Bradley Whitford is a choir director but it looks funny and I’m a big fan of Comedy Whitford.

9-9:30 The Good PlaceSEASON PREMIERE! My friends are just starting Season Three, so I don’t want to spoil anything by saying where this premiere finds us, but I’m geeked about it.

FX

10-10:30 Mr. Inbetween – Hey, let me tell you this. A couple of weeks ago, there was a scene where Mr. Inbetween (which is not his name nor what they call the character) farted in front of his girlfriend. And me, watching it at home, farted at the exact same moment. I laughed really hard and then decided I could never tell anybody because it’s gross. So now I can tell all of you since I don’t have to look you in the eyes. The judging, judging eyes.

 

FRIDAY

DISCOVERY

8-10 BattleBots – SEASON FINALE! The post-season wraps up and somebody walks (rolls?) away with the Giant Nut. I don’t know what I’ll do without my weekly dose of carnage!

AMAZON

Transparent – SERIES FINALE! This show ends with a final season that consists of one episode, which is a musical and does not include the star of the show. Deal with it!

 

SATURDAY

NBC

11:30-1 am Saturday Night Live – SEASON PREMIERE! Woody Harrelson hosts! Do you think they’ll have anything to talk about? And will they strenuously avoid talking about that one thing? And will Featured Player Ego Nwodim be all tired from touring with Comedy Bang! Bang! this summer? So many questions!

 

SUNDAY

FOX

8-8:30 The Simpsons – SEASON PREMIERE! In the season 31 premiere, a video of Bart and Lisa fighting goes viral and they become social media celebrities. Which is a listing that would have seemed like gibberish when this show premiered.

8:30-9 Bless the Harts – SERIES PREMIERE! This show about a poor Southern family has some bad ads, but it comes from Lord and Miller and they make good TV and movies. I’ll give it a shot!

9-9:30 Bob’s Burgers – SEASON PREMIERE! Bob plans to surprise Linda for their anniversary and then the kids get involved and presumably it all falls apart. I can’t believe this is already the 10th Season! It feels like it just began!

AMC

9-10:15 Fear the Walking Dead – SEASON FINALE! Morgan leads the group on a mission as they face an uncertain future. And John and June make a promise. That is not much information to go on, but it’s been a very good season of show that never should have been good in the first place. And it wasn’t good in the first place, but it got there.

10:15-11:30 Preacher – SERIES FINALE! The fate of the world is decided and Jesse’s journey comes to an end. Farewell to a series that was occasionally brilliant but usually frustrating. You crawled so The Boys could soar.

 

“Here’s a bunch of numbers. They may look random, but they’re my phone number.” — Tina Belcher

 

“I need to go take a shower so I can’t tell if I’m crying or not.” — BoJack Horseman

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