As I write this, it’s what can only be described as hilariously cold outside. I don’t care for that at all. So let’s focus on TV, which is indoors and safe. We have the season final of Celebrity Apprentice, the new Odd Couple, the premiere of The Jack and Triumph Show, and the Oscars. Plus there are a million other things. It’s a busy week!
So busy, in fact, that I have nothing else to say. Let’s get to it!
Here’s what to watch on TV this week!
8-10 CELEBRITY APPRENTICE – Season Finale! It’s the “Live” finale! Really, most of it will be the taped footage from the final task. I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t looking forward to seeing a meltdown or two, though. The question is, who’s going to turn on Kenya first? And also who’s going to win. I guess that’s actually the main question.
8-9 GOTHAM – The circus comes under attack, which is exactly what I warned them would happen! Also Falcone wants Butch to help run the club. It doesn’t seem likely that Butch would want to help, but he’s been held prisoner by Zsasz for weeks now. He’d probably be happy to get out for a bit.
10-11 BETTER CALL SAUL – Jimmy is eager to prove that his dangerous client is innocent. Oh, like he’d ever represent an innocent person! Also, this show is great. Don’t miss it!
8-9 PARKS AND RECREATION – In the second-to-last week of the show, it’s the final episode of Andy’s TV series. Also, Donna and Andy help Ron with a life change in an episode titled “Two Funerals”. I do not need funerals at this stage and I’d prefer to save my tears for next week!
9-9:30 MARRY ME – Brianna wipes out Jake’s opportunity and Gil tries to get a job at his company. Neither of those things bode well for Jake.
9:30-10 ABOUT A BOY – Will chaperones Marcus and Shea’s date. Also, Fiona tries to be more spontaneous. You can tell when I’m behind on a show, because I have nothing further to add.
8-9 MASTERCHEF JUNIOR – The final four make a complicated raspberry dessert and the top two advance to the finals. I’m so freaked out that last week they didn’t tell the people in the restaurant they were eating food prepared by tiny children. You really should have the option to bail, you know?
9-9:30 NEW GIRL – Jess and the guys go to Oregon for her father’s wedding. There are going to be so many recumbent bicycles!
9:30-10 THE MINDY PROJECT – Mindy tries to start her new practice, but her credit history presents a problem. Man, are they really going to move the show out to San Francisco? At least take Morgan! Also, if you get a chance, look for season one cast photos from this show. You won’t recognize anybody! Remember when Stephen Tobolowsky was a regular? It happened!
9-10 AGENT CARTER – Leviathan makes their move on Peggy while the SSR closes in on Stark. Only one episode to go after this one! I hope this becomes an annual tradition, because it’s swell.
10-11 JUSTIFIED – Ava makes a drastic decision after Duffy starts looking into her release from prison. Also, Constable Bob returns! I’m theoretically in favor of that, but this is the final season and I’m worried about Patton Oswalt. Don’t leave the house, Bob!
10:30-11 COUGAR TOWN – Grayson’s pub hosts a prom, and I’m pretty sure that’s a plot from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
10:30-11 KROLL SHOW – Fabrice Fabrice hosts a game show and PubLIZity hosts a party for the Illuminati. Hee! Kroll’s going big now that he’s in the home stretch!
8-9 AMERICAN IDOL – The contestants perform at the House of Blues and some of them learn their fates. Kevin studied the horse for any kind of reaction and saw none. He kept talking anyway. “I know that when you ask people their biggest weakness, they’ll say it’s that they work too hard or something like that. That’s gross. Honestly, I’d have to say that I probably get frustrated with other people’s mistakes. I’m working on it, but I’m not there yet.” Nibbles turned his head slightly to pick up a carrot from his desk.
9-10 EMPIRE – Lucious tries to brand Empire as a family-run company while tension builds between Jamal and Hakeen. Huh. No mention of Cookie. What’s the point, even?
8:30-9 THE GOLDBERGS – Erica and Barry buy a used van, hopefully with some sweet barbarian art on the side. Also, the yearbook names Adam “nicest guy”. It’s weird how “nicest guy” sounds really insincere, but if you say “best dude”, it sounds like you mean it.
9-9:30 MODERN FAMILY – Claire takes a first class seat on a plane, leaving Phil in coach. And that’s a Seinfeld plot. Come on guys, let’s mix things up!
9:30-10 BLACK-ISH – Dre dislikes Zoey’s boyfriend who’s from France and also named Andre. Once again, I celebrate the fact that I’ll never have that problem unless I run afoul of libertarian columnist E.J. Dionne Jr.
10-11 NASHVILLE – Like and Gunnar write revenge songs and go carousing and Deacon attempts to hide his illness. I like this show, but I almost like hearing them discuss it on Never Not Funny more than I like watching it. They’re passionate and also can’t remember names.
10-11 THE AMERICANS – Philip faces a moral dilemma and Paige makes a surprising birthday wish. I love that this show has a character named “Oleg”, because it makes me think of the character from Saints Row the Third. Not that I need much prodding to think about Saints Row, you understand.
10-10:30 IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA – The gang decides to go their separate way to figure out who they are as individuals. Oh, no good can come of looking into that particular abyss…
8-9 AMERICAN IDOL – Another showcase episode! Kevin waited until Nibbles finished chewing. “That’s about it, I guess. Like I said, everything’s in the resume. You’ll note that I went back to school and finished my Master’s a couple of years ago, that’s why there’s an employment gap. And then I’d overqualified myself for my old job, which is why I changed companies there. I wouldn’t usually change hor… Oh, I’m so sorry.”
8:30-9 THE ODD COUPLE – Series Premiere! A reboot of the classic series starring Matthew Perry and Thomas Lennon. Also starring Yvette-Nicole Brown from Community and Wendell Pierce from The Wire, so they’ve got A+ casting going for them.
10-10:30 ARCHER – Archer embarks on a rescue mission that leads him to Area 51. Oh man, I’m going to be Zaprudering this episode for any Frisky Dingo references. If there’s talk of aliens, Killface’s people had better be well represented.
11-11:30 COMEDY BANG! BANG! – Kid Cudi teaches Scott about prank phone calls and a six-year-old reviews movies. Also, Todd Barry is supposed to be on this episode and I hope he reprises his role from Louie and Delocated as “Todd Barry”.
11:30-12 am THE JACK AND TRIUMPH SHOW – Series Premiere! It’s a show about 30 Rock‘s Jack McBrayer and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. You could choose not to watch it, but you’d be wrong.
12:30-1 am BAG BOY – A special starring John C. Reilly. Little else is know about this project at this time. They had me at “John C. Reilly”. To be honest, they had me at “John C.”, since I would have watched John C. McGinley, too.
8-11:30 THE OSCARS – Hosted by Neil Patrick Harris! I’m rooting for Birdman pretty much down the line, J.K. Simmons for Whiplash, and officially miffed that LEGO Movie was snubbed. That’s my Oscar Minute!
9-10 THE WALKING DEAD – Rick meets a friendly person. Well, that ought to start turning things around for everybody, right? RIGHT?
10-11 TALKING DEAD – People talk about the show. Given that the episode before this one had both Lauren Cohan and the Penguin, I’m not sure how they can possibly top that.
“You read a book a month? It would take me a year to read a book a month!” — Brendon Small
“I’m all for ladies wrestling. Except when they do it in pudding. That’s just demeaning to the human beings who make pudding.” — Bill Dauterive