This is a corker of a week! Season premiers of I’m Sorry, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Jon Glaser Loves Gear and True Detective plus new episodes of favorites like Gotham and The Good Place makes this the greatest TV week of the year. I know we’re only seven days in, but I expect this title to stick.
Here’s what to watch on TV this week!
8-10 America‘s Got Talent: The Champions – SERIES PREMIERE! I mean, you can probably guess what this is, but it’s hosted by Terry Crews and it features performers from the various versions of (Your Country Here)’s Got Talent, and you know some of those countries are going to put on a wild show.
10-11 Manifest – Hey, this show’s been off for a while! Long enough that I don’t remember anything about it and the listing just seems like pure nonsense. And this is a show I watch!
A bunch of shows that I don’t watch come back from break tonight. I’m too focused on what’s coming back tomorrow to worry about that stuff.
8-9 Gordon Ramsay’s 24 Hours to Hell and Back – Gordon mediates a feud between a restaurant owner and staff. You know things are bad when he’s the level-headed one.
8-8:30 The Goldbergs – They are promoting this episode as a crossover with The Wedding Singer, which is a movie I’ve been pretending to have seen for years. I have not seen it. I will not understand any references. Now I am exposed.
8:30-9 Schooled – SERIES PREMIERE! It’s the Goldbergs spinoff, set 10 non-specific years later and involving mostly characters who will probably still appear on the main show. It’s confusing, but it’s a lot more Tim Meadows.
9-9:30 Modern Family – Claire and Phil help Dylan and Haley move into a new apartment. Man, that kid who played Dylan probably didn’t figure he was going to get a ten-year gig out of a guest appearance.
9:30-10 Single Parents – Will auditions to be a weatherman and I think that’s Taran Killam’s character, but it’s been like a month and a half. I can’t remember everything.
10-10:30 I’m Sorry – SEASON PREMIERE! Andrea wonders how much she would make as a prostitute. Hee! This show is awesome and you should watch it.
10:30-11 Jon Glaser Loves Gear – SEASON PREMIERE! The network wants to replace Jon with his ‘Spurt, so Jon goes to a tattoo parlor. This is straight up one of my favorite shows and I’m so excited.
10-10:35 You’re the Worst – SEASON PREMIERE! Jimmy and Gretchen explain their relationship to a wedding planner. That sounds like a clip show, right? There’s no way the season premiere is a clip show. I don’t even think that would be legal.
8-9 Gotham – Gordon and Bullock investigate kidnappings, Barbara proves to be an ally to Gordon, and Bruce goes looking for the witch. I think there’s a chance that the witch will turn out to be Lee, or possibly Ivy. Or something crazier. I can’t outthink you, Gotham.
9-9:30 Brooklyn Nine-Nine – NETWORK PREMIERE! NBC saved the show after FOX cancelled it, and we finally get to find out whether Holt got that promotion. Also, Jake and Amy go on their honeymoon and Terry tries to live up to his new nickname. Man, all my favorites are back this week!
9:30-10 The Good Place – Michael presents his case and Tahani tries to help Jason and Janet. Keeping it vague for my friends who are behind. They’re good people, it just takes them a while to watch shows.
8-9 Top Chef – The Chefs get involved with Last Chance Kitchen and then there’s a Roaring Twenties party, which sounds like it would be unbearable. I do not like retro parties unless they are explicitly Mad Men-themed.
9-10 Crazy Ex-Girlfriend – Rebecca decides she needs to find a way to take her mind off her ex-boyfriends. I feel like I’ve brought this up before, but maybe an escape room would be fun. I’ve also been playing Return of the Obra Dinn and that’ll really get inside your head.
9-10 Hell’s Kitchen – A chaotic dinner service leads to a dramatic elimination. That’s as boilerplate as you can get for this show.
8-8:30 The Simpsons – Lisa makes a new best friend from the window of the bus and imagines life with a different and probably better family.
8:30-9 Bob’s Burgers – The Belchers try to help Teddy get this dream girl and this episode is titled “The Helen Hunt”, which is pretty great.
9-11 True Detective – SEASON PREMIERE! The divisive anthology is back with a new season that people will probably argue about. I don’t know anything about this new season so I have nothing to say right now, but I’m looking forward to it.
“That’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? Getting people to cry as much as possible when you die.” – Edward Tavner
“Well, once there was only dark. If you ask me, the light’s winning.” – Rust Cohle