Happy Labor Day! We’re just a couple of weeks away from the TV factories turning up the smokestacks and increasing production levels to 100%. So savor these short schedules while you can, knowing that I don’t have to block out a significant amount of time. Because in three or four weeks I’ll have to start canceling plans and reorganizing my weekend.
Here’s what to watch on TV this week!
8-10 American Ninja Warrior – It’s Night Two of Round One of the Finals! And apparently giant corporations have ironed out their differences because my services has NBC again I appreciate everybody who supported me during this difficult time.
9-10 The Terror: Infamy – The Japanese community celebrates a festival to commemorate the dead. Hey, look. Different cultures do things differently, and far be it from me to put down a tradition I don’t understand. But a lot of people have been getting messed up by ghosts and it feels like this festival is really tempting fate. Maybe hold off until the ghost murders stop?
10-11:10 Lodge 49 – Dud plans a trip to Mexico with El Confidente despite Ernie’s objections. Come on, Dud. When somebody has a title instead of a real name on this show, it is always bad news. Do you want another spear gun incident? Because it seems to me like you want another spear gun incident.
10-11:17 Mayans M.C. – SEASON PREMIERE! The Sons of Anarchy spinoff returns for Season Two! And this year, I’m really going to focus in and pay attention because I like this show but I feel like if people were talking about it, I couldn’t join the conversation because I don’t know any names or remember things that happened. And you know how I love joining TV conversations.
10-11 Conan Without Borders: Greenland – Another travel special! And this one was just shot a week or two ago and rushed to air because Trump will do another sixty crazy things in the next three weeks and we’re going to forget that he tried to buy Greenland. Conan’s specials are very good!
8-9 Big Brother – Veto Night! You know what the best thing was about the ZingBot episode last week? When he swore and they not only bleeped him but they also blurred out his “mouth”. See, he doesn’t have a mouth but they blurred approximately where a mouth would be and given how rarely they put any extra effort into this show, the fact they did it for a dumb joke was just wonderful.
8-9 MasterChef – The worst happened last week and they couldn’t get any loved ones to come for one of the contestants! And he was the guy from Grand Rapids! This was sadder than Richard Blais’ uncle or whenever somebody on Survivor has a cousin to come out and see them. This kid was alone and Gordon had to tell him he was part of the MasterChef family and it was the saddest thing all year except that scene on Legion where Lenny lives the entire life of her child in twenty seconds. Anyway, more stuff happens this week but I probably won’t cry this time.
9-10 Big Brother – Double Eviction Night! And I assume that they’re expecting it because sometimes they’ll do more than one Double, but they always do it when they get down to six houseguests because that way everybody plays for the Veto and they don’t have to waste time picking players. They’ll pretend to be surprised, but they have to know it’s coming.
8-10 BattleBots – It’s one last chance to make the Top 16, including a Hydra v. Bronco flipper battle! I care so much about the rankings on this show that I’m starting to understand sports.
11-11:30 Good Talk with Anthony Jeselnik – SERIES PREMIERE! In a new weekly series, Jeselnik interviews other stand-ups. I like the guy a lot – I’m really tired of edgy for the sake of edgy, but he’s so darn good at it. The problem is that there is nobody who seems less interested in other people than Anthony Jeselnik. I don’t know how he’s going to engage with a person enough to interview them. This could be a real life What Up With That? without the dancing.
The Spy – This miniseries is a drama about a Mossad agent in the early sixties. I say again, this is a drama. A period drama. Know who’s playing the titular spy? Sacha Baron Cohen. This will either be glorious or unwatchable.
8-10 Identity Theft of a Cheerleader – I don’t know anything about this TV movie other than the title but that is a fantastic title.
8-9 Big Brother – Nominations! I assume! We’re getting near the end of the season and sometimes that throws the schedule off. Also, we haven’t had the annual Veto where they trash the house, so I certainly hope that happened back on Wednesday or else we’re not going to get that yearly source of tension and hurt feelings.
9-10:05 Fear the Walking Dead – Logan’s motives are exposed, while Sarah, Luciana, and Dwight negotiate for the mission. That’s fine, but none of those people are John and he’s my favorite. So yes, this is the only good Walking Dead show but it really needs to take my interests into account more.
10:05-11:05 Preacher – Look, I’ve complained about some of the changes this show made from the comic and how they almost universally made the story worse, but man, I’m so very glad that they didn’t do the arc where Cass got Tulip addicted to heroin and then took advantage of her repeatedly. That was super gross even then and this show wisely decided not to do that in favor of an actual love triangle that gave the female character agency. I love Garth Ennis, but these last couple of years have brought home his failures at writing women.
10-10:40 The Righteous Gemstones – No information available! Know what? I don’t want any information. I’m just along for the ride and I wouldn’t look at the listing even if they had one. That’s how this is going to be now, HBO.
“I hereby award myself this medal for the extraordinary parenting that turned you from a worthless buck-toothed degenerate into a ruthless executioner with a beautiful smile.” – King Zog
“If only the American people could have known you for your sense of humor and not your bizarre indifference to apartheid.” — Selina Meyer