Hi all!

It’s a light week, but we’ve got a few premieres. Most notably, Hannibal returns for a third season and that show is great. There’s also the season and maybe series finale of Community, which will probably leave me an absolute wreck. And it’s Reggie Watts’ final episode of Comedy Bang! Bang!, even through we’ve already seen the series finale and know he’ll come back from the Army just in time.

So, last week I asked that people discuss me on the IMDB forums, and spunkybuddy Cub came through on that request. He’s a damn hero, people.  Compare yourself to him and realize how far you fall short.

I turn forty years old this week, which means I’m probably going to fall into a hallucinatory state where I imagine myself in a G.I. Joe cartoon. I ask for your understanding in this difficult time.

Here’s what to watch on TV this week!

 

MONDAY

NBC

8-10 AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR – More new obstacles in the Kansas City Qualifying round! Will they be as impossible as last week’s “hourglass”? Will they have to invoke “farthest the fastest” just to advance enough people to the next round? Will Matt Iseman ever pronounce Akbar Gbaja-Biamila’s name the same way twice? So many questions!

FOX

8-10 SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE – Season Premiere! Here’s what it says: “Hopefuls audition; Michelle Obama”. Is the First Lady auditioning? If not, can I make a movie with that premise?

ABC

10-11 THE WHISPERS – Series Premiere! This show appears to be about homicidal imaginary friends, but I’m assured there’s more to it than that. It’s one of those things I’d probably skip during the season, but I’ll give it a shot now.

 

TUESDAY

YAHOO!

COMMUNITY – Season Finale! And it may be the series finale, if “Six Seasons and a Movie” holds true. But let’s not worry about that just now. The preview has everybody talking about Season Seven, which means this is going to be a weird episode and I’ll probably love it.

NBC

8-10 AMERICA’S GOT TALENT – You know, I don’t usually watch this show, but I caught a few minutes last week and this guy hypnotized Howie Mandel into shaking hands with people. It was honestly pretty great.

FOX

9-10 HELL’S KITCHEN – The chefs prepare vegetarian dishes and then visit with their friends and family. I hope Millie’s whole family looks exactly like him.

COMEDY CENTRAL

10:30-11 INSIDE AMY SCHUMER – Amy gets a mail-order husband and then strips for dogs. I am just going to accept right now that this is probably an actual fetish for somebody and I never want to meet this person.

 

WEDNESDAY

Guys, I am so old today.

FOX

8-9 MASTERCHEF – The home chefs make hamburgers and cinnamon rolls, which sounds like everything I could possibly want. I can’t remember the name of my favorite contestant this season, but I call her Midwest Aubrey Plaza. You know the one. The one who said last week “On a scale of one to hate-this-pie, I hate this pie.”

9-10 BULLSEYE – I kind of liked this show last week. It’s no Wipeout, but it’s dumb fun at least.

 

THURSDAY

NBC

10-11 HANNIBAL – Season Premiere! Hannibal travels through Europe with Bedelia and presumably we learn who survived the bloodletting at the end of last season. I’m so excited! This show is really good, and I say this as a guy who didn’t really like the various Lecter movies.

FX

10-10:30 THE COMEDIANS – An embarrassing video of Josh and Billy leaks on the Internet. Oh, it can’t be worse than 1600 Penn, right?

IFC

10:30-11 COMEDY BANG! BANG! – Mid-Season Finale! It’s Reggie Watts’ final episode, what with him having moved to an actual talk show. Also, Judd Apatow appears! The show will probably take a week or two off before a whole new batch of episodes hits and we have to deal with a world without Reggie.

 

FRIDAY

ADULT SWIM

12-12:15 am CHILDRENS HOSPITAL – Glenn worries that he’ll die on his upcoming 27th birthday. Hee! Also, this season has been really good. Are you watching it? You should be!

 

SATURDAY

BBC AMERICA

9-10 ORPHAN BLACK – Rachel bargains for her freedom and Sarah pursues the Original Castor. You know, the guy who made the oil. That was a stupid joke and I apologize.

 

SUNDAY

HBO

9-10 GAME OF THRONES – Jon returns to the Wall, Daenerys oversees a celebration of athleticism, and Mace visits the Iron Bank. Also, Arya encounters somebody from her past. Presumably Meryn Trant, who’s traveling with Mace to the place where Arya is. Oh, that dude is gonna get Needled!

10-10:30 SILICON VALLEY – Pied Piper and Hooli enter binding arbitration and Erlich demands to be put on the stand. I love that this season has been largely about legal issues in the San Francisco tech industry so it’s basically just my sister’s daily life.

10:30-11 VEEP – Selina fields questions from the press, which puts her one up on Hillary Clinton! Sorry – I’m workshopping jokes for my one man political comedy revue. It’s like Mark Russell, except I don’t know how to play piano. I still play piano in the show, but it’s really bad.

AMC

10-11 HALT AND CATCH FIRE – Joe begins a new job after meeting Sarah’s father and Cameron makes a surprising hire at Mutiny. Yes, there are two shows at 10:00 Sunday about tech companies because we live in the finest of all possible worlds.

ADULT SWIM

11:30-12 am CHINA, IL – Steve and Baby Cakes strike it rich, and Frank falls in love with a piece of a movie star. Whether it’s a standalone piece of a dead star or just a part of somebody currently alive is unknown, and I won’t be able to rest until I know.

 

“Until we meet again, boys and girls, know that wherever evil lurks, in all its myriad forms, I’ll be there with the hammers of justice to fight for decency and defend the innocent.” — Batman

 

“It’s OK to plan some stuff and it’s OK to figure out what we did wrong. But our plans are randomly gonna fall apart and our lessons are randomly gonna be wrong. And if we just keep the cameras rolling and shoot a lot of crap, eventually Annie is gonna reach down her shirt and pull out a laser bomb. I didn’t write that. We didn’t plan that. God made that happen.” — Abed Nadir

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