Current quarantine mood: Sad. But I’ve been sadder. So that’s pretty good. I’ve started having actual dreams about hugging people. And you have to understand, I’m an emotionally inaccessible Midwesterner. I do not want to hug. I shun hugs. I cut people out of my life if they try to hug me too often. And yet, for maybe the first time ever, this boy needs a hug. I mean, I’m going to be super picky about who gets to hug me once this is over, but it’s going to be more possible than ever before.
Also, some ladies at the laundromat made fun of me for wearing a mask even though you actually have to wear them per state law. Cool society we’ve got right now.
I wish I had something to talk about it. I re-read some good Batman comics from the Seventies. That was fun. I’m playing Bioshock again and I forgot how bad I am at first person shooters. Give me a machine gun and I’ll still get taken out by a dude swinging a wrench.
Here’s what to watch on TV this week!
Boy, Monday is either feast or famine and we’re currently in the “famine” stage. Have you watched the Dracula series on Netflix? I liked that a lot. Also, Sam recommended 6 Underground, and I don’t usually like Michael Bay stuff, but it’s an absolute blast. If you like incredibly elaborate action scenes that go on forever, you should watch it. That would be fun to do tonight!
8-10 The Happy Days of Garry Marshall – It’s a tribute to the late creator of Happy Days and Laverne and Shirley. He seemed like a nice man and Paul F. Tompkins’ impression of him is very funny, so this might be worth watching. Actually, I hope PFT appears in the tribute alongside Gillian Jacobs, who was once listed on Marshall’s Wikipedia page as his wife. It would take too long to explain.
8-10 Gordon Ramsay’s 24 Hours to Hell and Back – It’s a special presentation where Gordon tries to save three businesses in a small Maryland town. They’re promoting this as something that will make you cry, so that’s going to go down well.
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt: Kimmy vs. The Reverend – SERIES FINALE! The comedy returns for a finale movie that uses the Bandersnatch interactive feature. Which means I will obsessively watch it to make sure I see every moment of footage so I don’t miss any jokes or scenes of special guest Jon Hamm being handsome.
8-11 Survivor – SEASON FINALE! It’s the three-hour finale, which includes the reunion show that I assume will not have a live audience or reunite the cast in the same room. That sounds fun!
8-10 The Masked Singer – Once again, a two hour show in which four people will sing one song each. This is the future we’re stuck with.
10-10:30 What We Do In the Shadows – Laszlo flees his home when a vengeful enemy from the past appears. I believe this is the episode where Mark Hamill makes an appearance. I can’t wait!
The Wrong Missy – Why am I excited about a romantic comedy starring David Spade playing twenty years than his actual age? Because Lauren Lapkus plays the insane woman that he accidentally texts and she’s one of the funniest people in the world. The trailer is great and this looks like it’s going to be her movie, which will be fun for all of us.
10-11 Top Chef – The chefs head to the mountains outside LA for a challenge. But not a cooking challenge. A “Most Dangerous Game” situation. Malarkey would definitely be the first to go, right? Also, how ridiculous is it that his name is “Malarkey”. I’ve had time to get used to it, and it’s still weird.
8-8:30 The Simpsons – SEASON FINALE! Probably! The listings are inconsistent, but it is the 22nd episode of the season, so it’s likely. Anyway, the family learns about Santa’s Little Helper’s tragic past after he bites Marge. This sounds like one that might make me cry.
9-9:30 Bob’s Burgers – SEASON FINALE! A classmate turns to Louise for help getting into trouble and Bob has to bring Jimmy Pesto his hernia medication. Did you guys know I have a hernia? It’s the kind of hernia that is usually exclusive to babies. That makes me feel very cool.
9-10 Killing Eve – No information available!
9-10 I Know This Much is True – The second episode of the series adapting the book I can’t remember! For a minute I thought I remembered a thing about Etch-a-Sketch, but that was She’s Come Undone, so I’m back to the starting point.
10-11 Snowpiercer – SERIES PREMIERE! This is a series based on the wild movie about a train where all of humanity lives. I assume it’s a reimagining since that train was in no shape to keep running at the end of the movie, but I wonder how faithful it is. Like, are the surprise reveals still in play or do we forget everything we know about Snowpiercer? Only time will tell!
11:30-12 am Rick and Morty – No information available!
“White rice. Brown rice. Those are just some of the rices I love. Also basmati. That’s all of them now.” – Raymond Holt
“Can’t imagine what it would be like to know when you’re going to die. Or even if.” – Sterling Archer