Well, we’re still in quarantine. I’m still depressed. Same as last week but I think I might actually be a little more dead inside. I do not wish to get into specifics as to why I’m more sad this week than I was last week, but trust me. On the TV front, I just started rewatching Justified, which remains perfect. I also try to lift my spirits with Joe Pera Talks With You and Batman: The Brave and the Bold, both of which are soothing and delightful. Unless you watch the episode of Batman where the Doom Patrol dies because that will wreck you. But you’re not here for the “EJ is sad” hour, you’re here for a TV schedule.
The big news this week is a special quarantine episode of Parks and Recreation. And that’s the perfect show for right now because it was about well-meaning people trying to make the world they live in a little better. I need some of that Leslie Knope spirit right now.
Here’s what to watch on TV this week!
10-11 Dispatches from Elsewhere – SEASON FINALE! “A final mystery is solved”. This is the one thing I have to write about tonight and that’s what they’re giving me. And after I’ve stuck with Jason Segal for all these years.
OK, there’s not really much on tonight that I’m excited to talk about. Maybe I’m finally going to finish watching The Deuce. Or, and hear me out, I might watch Goldeneye again. I know a lot of people are down on Pierce Brosnan’s Bond because he went out on such a weird movie, but Goldeneye is one of my favorites of the franchise and it’s up there with Skyfall as the most rewatchable. It’s on Hulu right now, just in case you don’t have all of the James Bond movies on Blu-Ray like some people. Actually I don’t have Never Say Never Again since it’s sort of an off-brand and it wasn’t included in the collection. This is not interesting to anybody.
8-9 Survivor – Alliances threaten to crumble after a blindside. There’s a brutal challenge. And they will probably talk about fire tokens. I don’t know who thought Survivor needed in-game currency, but here we are.
8-10 The Masked Singer – On the plus side, Gordon Ramsay is a judge this week. On the minus side, it’s another one-hour episode with a one-hour aftershow. I just can’t. A show has never gone from being a fun diversion to a punishing slog so quickly and thoroughly.
10-10:30 Brockmire – The future of baseball is threatened as Brockmire tries to prevent a strike. A lot of my sports friends don’t like Joe Buck for some reason, but I only know him from this show and I have to conclude he’s the funniest sportscaster ever. His delivery of “Who the hell is what?” is incredible and a professional actor would not have done it better.
10-10:30 What We Do in the Shadows – The vampires fear they’ve been electronically cursed while Guillermo tries to prevent a deadly threat. This show is one of my current spots of joy and you can watch it all on Hulu.
Normal People – This miniseries adapts the novel about Irish teens going to college. I list it here partly because my friend Becky will probably like a series set in Ireland. I’m also listing it because it’s made by Lenny Abrahamson, who directed Room. (The Brie Larson one, not the Tommy Wiseau one.) And that gives me a reason to mention that somebody told me they didn’t want to spoil the twist in Room, so I saw that movie expecting a twist. Is it a dream? Is her son actually her daughter? Did she lie about her past? And there is no twist in Room. None. I can’t figure out what that person thinks a twist is.
8-9 Parks and Recreation – The first half hour is a clip show and it’s been long enough that I think we’re all ready to see some Parks clips. The second half is the new quarantine special reuniting the entire cast. I love those people very much and I need this show right now.
Upload – It’s a new comedy from the man who brought The Office to America, Greg Daniels! It’s about a future where dying people can upload their consciousness into the afterlife of their choosing. It sounds like a cross between The Good Place and the “San Junipero” episode of Black Mirror. Both of those things are great, so I’m on board.
9:30-10 DuckTales – Gyro, Fenton, and Huey take BOYD to Japan for repairs. So this one stars Jim Rash, Lin-Manuel Miranda, and Danny Pudi. The casting on this show is wild.
8-8:30 The Simpsons – OK, this is part two of the second-ever Simpsons two-parter. It also features Reverend Lovejoy going to Michigan. I should be psyched about this, but it’s all based around a character voiced by my nemesis, Pete Holmes. I hatewatched his bad HBO show for three seasons and I thought I was done with him. And yet, here we are. I’m feeling very betrayed. What next? Is my dad joining the cast of Better Call Saul?
9-9:30 Bob’s Burgers – Louise faces her fear of public pooping, which used to be a very real issue for me. I used to have to go home to poop. And I powered through it and now I almost exclusively dump at work. Or at movie theaters, which have plenty of stalls and if you show up early so you’re not using the bathroom right when a showing is getting out, plenty of privacy. I miss movie theaters.
10-11 Good Girls – SEASON FINALE! Dean tries to start a legitimate business, the women make a drastic decision, and Lauren Lapkus gets even closer to cracking the case. This show is fun and I don’t want to say too much because I have at least one friend who has to wait for the season to hit Netflix and I’m not spoiling anything.
9-10 Killing Eve – “Still Got It”. There’s no listing beyond the title. And I’m not super convinced that they do, in fact, got it. Look at me, being mean.
9-10:15 Westworld – SEASON FINALE! “Time to face the music”. Man, I don’t even know. This season has been wild and significantly different from everything that came before and there’s so much I should have talked about in recaps but this will go down in history as the season I was too sad to recap. However, and I don’t want to go into the details because this is private and special to me, but you may remember that I was semi-convinced that there was a shoutout to my recaps in Season Two. And honestly, that was kind of a bit because why would that even happen. But at least one high-level Westworld creator is (or was) aware that I exist and so just maybe that “CCC” brand last season was a reference to the Cheat Code Cowboy.
11:30-12 am Rick and Morty – SEASON PREMIERE! Hey, I didn’t expect this to be back so soon! All I know about this episode is that there’s a train involved.
“Bleach is healthy. It’s mostly water. And we are mostly water. Therefore, we are bleach.” — Nathan Explosion
“Is Star Wars the one with the little wizard boy?” — Ron Swanson