The fall season begins this week, so prepare yourselves! A bunch of new shows and returns this week, including new seasons of The Good Place, Bob’s Burgers, This Is Us, and much more! I put in time this week! No more ten listings and done for the week. I have to start setting aside time to make schedules.
Here’s what to watch on TV this week!
8-10 Dancing with the Stars – SEASON PREMIERE! It’s back after almost a year! (That last four-episode season does not count.) Some of this year’s stars are…. a little bit suspect in terms of actually being famous, but there are some cool additions. Like Nikki Glaser. I’m rooting for her! I met her a couple of weeks ago and no living person will ever see the picture of us because it makes me look like some kind of damn monster.
9-10 Magnum P.I. – SERIES PREMIERE! So, I’m listing as many new networks shows as I can but only the ones that I or my friends end up watching will stick around, so keep me posted. Anyway, you remember the original show. This is that without Tom Selleck.
10-11 Manifest – SERIES PREMIERE! In this new series, a plane lands five years after it took off and the passengers are unaware of anything unusual. NBC would very much like you to think of LOST, even though this sounds significantly less interesting. I’ll still give it a shot, even if the new network tendency is to spoil the game right away and then be all “But where did the lighter fluid come from?”
9-10:15 Better Call Saul – I am very careful not to spoil anything in these listings because my friends are a season behind. And thus they have no context for this statement when I say that somehow ending last week’s episode with Kim buying colored pencils and then making a phone call was a riveting cliffhanger. Like, I’ve seen more online talk about that than about any “who survived the explosion at the ammo factory” shows.
10:15-11:20 Lodge 49 – Bruce Campbell is on this show now. There is nothing more I should have to say.
8-10 Dancing with the Stars – A second episode this week, which really screws up my schedule for how I’m going to live my actual life. Regardless, it’s a second round of performances and the first elimination. Farewell, guy from The Bachelorette. I’m assuming.
8-9 The Gifted – SEASON PREMIERE! I do not remember where this X-Men themed how ended last season, but I remember enjoying it. And if anything, the state of the movie X-Men is more in flux than it was last season when they had to be like “I don’t know if the X-Men still exist”. Now it’s “We might or might not live in the same universe as the Avengers. If so, it’s not at all clear whether this is before or after Infinity War.”
9-10 FBI – SERIES PREMIERE! Well, that’s a generic title. Must be a Dick Wolf show! This is the kind of show my mother would have enjoyed before she decided any level of suspense was too much and now she exclusively watches the Hallmark Channel and ION.
9-10 This is Us – SEASON PREMIERE! Randall, Kate, and Kevin celebrate their shared 38th birthday and probably something bad happens. Or something bad happened in the past. You think they’re going to do a season premiere without tossing in a weepie?
10-11 New Amsterdam – SERIES PREMIERE! This is the second NBC series titled New Amsterdam since I’ve been writing about TV. That says something bad about somebody, but I’m not sure who. Anyway, this is an inspirational medical drama about a hospital that prioritizes people over profit because we all know that we’re one illness away from having to choose between bankruptcy and death.
10-10:30 Wrecked – Danny and Owen have to find the center of the island to learn how to defeat Chet, which might bring us back to the land of LOST pastiche. Oh, man. Is Hippie Chet this show’s Man in Black? I’m so close to just straight up writing Wrecked fan fiction at this point.
10-11:30 Mayans M.C. – The Mayans face new obstacles and opportunities. Which seems more interesting than facing the same obstacles and opportunities as last week.
11:30-12:30 am Mr. Inbetween – SERIES PREMIERE! This Australian series focuses on a single father who’s also a criminal for hire. Actually, he may be a divorced dad, which is different. But criminal for hire is the important bit.
8-9:30 Survivor – SEASON PREMIERE! This season seems to be pitting physically strong people against people who are not. Seems cool. I would love to not have a premise season and just have two freaking tribes. Also, I genuinely feel weird about watching a Mark Burnett production now that Burnett is reportedly trying to suppress the Trump tapes from The Apprentice. I think he might be a bad guy to support with my viewing eyeballs.
9:30-11 Big Brother – SEASON FINALE! Somebody wins a half million dollars after a season that I ended up really enjoying. I mean, I’m a Big Brother fan, but last season was an absolute bummer to watch with it’s Paul focus. This season has been really fun and there is some just crazy bad blood in the Jury House. Somebody is getting screamed at! Also, I assume this will probably be Julie Chen’s last episode, but that’s none of my business.
8-8:30 The Goldbergs – SEASON PREMIERE! It’s Adam’s sixteenth birthday, which will definitely mean a Sixteen Candles tribute.
9-9:30 Modern Family – SEASON PREMIERE! Fourth of July parade! It’s the holiday least represented on network TV! Well, that’s not true at all. I’ve never seen a Labor Day episode, so let’s say it’s the least represented one that has iconography.
9:30-10 Single Parents – SERIES PREMIERE! This promising looking comedy stars Taran Killam as a newly single dad who’s way too into being a dad. It’s the comedy version of Mr. Inbetween, I bet. That is definitely not true, but let’s stir the pot.
10-11 A Million Little Things – SERIES PREMIERE! This is the show that desperately wants to be This Is Us. The trailer features a suicide and a suicide attempt among a group of friends who met when they were stuck in an elevator years ago. I’m going to be honest – this looks absolutely ridiculous. If it’s a big hit I’ll look like a dope, but it does not look good and shouldn’t be a hit. Line in the sand.
10-10:30 It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia – Oh, I’m not sure this show is at all the right vehicle to handle sexual harassment in this the Year of our Lord 2018. Because terrible things are going to be said and terrible people will isolate these things to use out of context to mock actual victims. Cool.
8-9 The Good Place – SEASON PREMIERE! Another show that my friends have just started watching so I will have to be very vague in the listings. You might ask why my friends are late to the party on the shows I talk about all the time? Well, it turns out they mostly do not enjoy my work and would be hard pressed to come up with the name of my website. But they sometimes read the schedule because I email it to them.
9:30-10 Murphy Brown – SEASON PREMIERE! The beloved CBS sitcom is back after twenty-plus years. I wish I could get excited about this, but I just can’t. It just looks like everybody is off their game and I can’t get behind revivals and reboots anymore. Make new shows! That said, it’s laudable that CBS is putting their muscle behind a show where both the star and showrunner are women in their seventies.
8:30-9 The Cool Kids – SERIES PREMIERE! This is a new sitcom about the elderly. It looks very bad and the trailer made me angry. This is the show that made Sideshow Bob destroy television.
9-10 Hell’s Kitchen – SEASON PREMIERE! This new season of the shoutiest cooking competition pits rookies against veterans. It’s the people Gordon hasn’t broken yet vs. the ones he has. By the end, they’ll all be empty shells.
11:30-1 am Saturday Night Live – SEASON PREMIERE! Adam Driver hosts the 100th season premiere! Also, there’s a new cast member named Ego Nwodim who has been absolutely delightful on some of my favorite podcasts. Any friend of CBB is a friend of mine!
8-8:30 The Simpsons – SEASON PREMIERE! Bart claims he died and went to Heaven to get out of trouble, and it sounds like they’re going to make fun of that book I hate. Woo!
8:30-9 Bob’s Burgers – SEASON PREMIERE! Tina disguises herself as a boy and sneaks into the Boyz 4 Now auditions. My favorite tertiary characters! I assume she has a good reason, but I just want to see her have to actually audition.
9:30-10 Rel – SERIES PREMIERE! The guy everybody loved in Get Out has his own show and he seems way mopier than you would hope. But Sinbad plays his dad, and I’m always glad to see him working.
8:30-9:30 – God Friended Me – SERIES PREMIERE! We agree this is the worst title for a TV show in a decade, right?
9-10:20 Fear the Walking Dead – SEASON FINALE! Morgan struggles to find the strength to help those in dire need. I am actually bummed this season is ending and leading into the dumb regular show. Except we’ve still got a season of Maggie so I’m still going to end up watching. Shut up.
9-10 The Deuce – I’m behind on this show and don’t have anything to say, but I really like them using “This Year’s Girl” as the new theme song.
12-12:30 am The Venture Bros. – No information available about “The Forecast Manufacturer”. It’ll be good, though! Also, there’s only one more episode this season. What will become of me after? I mean, sure, Doctor Who is back next Sunday, but that show doesn’t have the Monarch.
“This is not some whimsical pursuit, Mike. This is a valid scientific experiment and an important one at that. How long can a fart retain its unique smell composition in a sealed jar?” — Tandy Miller
“That’s life. One minute, you’re on top of the world. The next, some secretary is running over your foot with a lawn mower.” — Joan Holloway