Hi all!

Somehow, after ten years of doing this, I forgot to write the schedule until the last minute. You’d think muscle memory would kick in at some point, but it did not. So here’s some late thoughts on TV for you!

Here’s what to watch on TV this week!

 

MONDAY

NBC

10-11 Good Girls – The women learn how violent Rio can be, and I’m not clear if they’re talking about the city or a person by that name. I’m pretty sure there’s a “Rio” on this show, but I watch a lot of shows and I’m juggling a lot of characters right now.

ABC

10-11 The Crossing – Hey, the premiere was pretty good! In the second episode, we’re already flashing forward to 2187 and the official listing has some pretty big spoilees that you probably could have guessed but I’m still not comfortable forcing in front of your eyes.

AMC

9-10:05 The Terror – The men learn that they aren’t facing any ordinary kind of bear, which they probably should have put together before now but they’ve got a lot on their plates.

LIFETIME

10-11 UnREAL- Quinn pulls a dangerous stunt which forces Serena to save the day. And probably they’ll have to convince Serena that they’re acting in her best interests despite all appearances and she’ll believe it again despite being “the female Elon Musk”. Yeah, this is way more Season Two than Season One.

TBS

10:30-11 Final Space – Gary falls for a trap. I mean, it doesn’t even have to be a clever trap to fool him. You could catch him with that box and stick trap that Elmer Fudd always uses.

 

TUESDAY

FOX

9-9:30 LA to Vegas – The crew struggle with new flight training and the good passengers go after a slot machine that’s due for a win. I love that they’ve just decided Colin, Nichole, and Artem are doing something together every week whether or not it makes sense.

9:30-10 New Girl – SEASON PREMIERE! The final season picks up three years after we saw everybody and now they all have kids and hernias and stuff. I assume we’re all only three years away from a hernia.

FX

10-11:15 Legion – David meets his oldest enemy and there’s a chance that a dance battle won’t be enough. That was wild, right? Also, how about Jon Hamm as the narrator? That made me very happy. Especially since, on this show, there’s a chance that the narrator is just going to take physical form and start interacting with the cast. Also? I forgot how hard this show is to recap. It’s going to break me.

TBS

10:30-11 The Last O.G. – Tray gets a job at a chain coffee shop owned by the guy who sent him to jail. This show does not at all have the tone I was expecting – they promoted it as wacky, but it’s a lot more thoughtful than I expected.

TRUTV

11-12 am The Chris Gethard Show – They’re listing the Will Ferrell episode again, and I’m wondering if maybe it didn’t air last week because my DVR just came up with a recording of Impractical Jokers. I don’t know what’s going on anymore.

 

WEDNESDAY

CBS

8-9 Survivor – A merge threatens to increase the tension between two rivals. They’re just listing the same descriptions every season, right?

ABC

8-8:30 The Goldbergs – Emmy starts dating a cool guy and Adam thinks their friendship is in jeopardy. Man, cool guys are the worst. I hate them so much.

9-9:30 Modern Family – Haley’s boss tries to buy Gloria’s salsa, which I assume is some sort of euphemism.

TBS

10-11 Conan Without Borders: ItalyYay! Conan and producer Jordan Schlansky went to Italy, and these travel specials are always great. And Jordan is super weird, so I’m looking forward to Conan making fun of him for an hour.

FX

10-11 The Americans – Philip and Elizabeth clash over how to handle things with Paige after a disastrous operation. A disastrous spy operation, to be clear. It’s not like Paige went to have her tonsils out and came back as a brain in a jar.

SUNDANCE

10-11 Hap and Leonard: The Two-Bear Mambo – Hap gets a clue about Florida’s whereabouts and the guys hatch a plan to return to Grovetown. Boy, that seems like the king of all bad ideas. Maybe just write off Grovetown and call it a day. Those guys are nuts!

 

THURSDAY

FOX

8-9 GothamGordon and Bruce work out a plan to catch the escaped inmates and Barbara finds out just how far the death cult under her control is willing to go for her. Pretty far, I’m guessing. Oh, also Jerome has a twin brother and maybe he’s the one who’s going to be the Joker. Man, this show is the best.

NBC

8:30-9 A.P. Bio – Jack takes in Principal Durbin after giving him bad advice that gets him kicked out of the house. Hey, more Patton Oswalt! Ain’t nobody who can complain about that.

FX

10-10:40 AtlantaSomething about parties and social media, but man, I haven’t recovered from that unhinged episode from last week. I’m still dealing with it and need to take a moment.

PARAMOUNT

10-10:30 Nobodies – The writers have to put together a new script with a new showrunner and get it approved by Melissa McCarthy and, you know, relatable content.

 

FRIDAY

FOX

8-10 MasterChef Junior – Two episodes! The kids handle breakfast room service for an upscale hotel and then create dishes inspired by their families. You know, figuring out what food is the dad of the meal and then leaving it out. That sort of thing.

ABC

9-10 Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. – The team tries to neutralize a weapon that could destroy Earth while Coulson’s life hangs in the balance. Man, they’re always trying to kill Coulson. What did he ever do?

NETFLIX

Lost in Space – This reboot stars Parker Posey as Dr. Smith and beyond that, I could not possibly care less about anything Lost in Space-related. Like, my initial reaction is to say “Oh, neat!”, and then I remember that the original series means nothing to me and I don’t have any connection to the premise. So there you go.

 

SATURDAY

NBC

11:30-1 am Saturday Night Live – Hey, John Mulaney hosts! He’s very funny and we should stop holding that one TV show against him.

 

SUNDAY

FOX

7:30-8 Bob’s Burgers – Bob and Linda get trapped on a double date and Tina has to save the day when zombie movie night gets too scary. She’ll have those zombies touching butts in no time!

8-8:30 The Simpsons – Marge and Home try to help Moe reconcile with his father. The idea of Moe having a father is deeply unsettling to me.

8:30-9:30 Brooklyn Nine-Nine – Two episodes! Charles gets tied up in a pyramid scheme and Jake learns that he has a half-sister and that she’s an absolute nightmare. I can’t wait to see who they cast in that role. Andy Samberg in a wig?

9:30-10 The Last Man on Earth – Tandy wakes up to a shocking discovery that throws Todd into a spiral. What more can possibly happen to Todd? They just keep finding new bottoms!

BBC AMERICA

8-9 Killing Eve – I haven’t seen the first episode as I write this, but they’ve already renewed it for a second season. Good job! I mean, I hope this doesn’t delay the second season of Fleabag

STARZ

9-9:30 Ash vs. Evil Dead – Ash and Pablo realize the rift in the cellar is the key to saving humanity. Turns out the rift in my cellar is just foundation damage, so Ash wins this round.

AMC

9-10:10 The Walking Dead – SEASON FINALE! The communities make a last stand against the Saviors for the tenth time.

10:10 -11:17 Fear the Walking Dead – SEASON PREMIERE! We’ve got a new showrunner and a mostly new cast and it kind of fills like this could become the good Walking Dead show. That’s a low bar to clear these days, admittedly.

11:17-12:17 am Talking Dead – A panel of guest discusses the new episodes! That’s right, there’s a new episode of both shows so they have more to talk about. To celebrate, I’m not going to make up a fake panel this week. Woo!

HBO

10-10:30 Silicon ValleyRichard tries to woo a gaming company, but more importantly, Jared gets inside information from Big Head. Finally! We’ve been waiting for more Big Head!

10:30-11 Barry – Barry has problems distancing himself from his hitman life. You think you’re just going to walk away from Mr.Zsasz without ramifications? You are wrong!

 

“I’m scared that if I stop drinking all at once, the cumulative hangover will literally kill me” – Sterling Archer

 

“That’s our second Arby’s in town. Some say it’s better, the fries are curlier, but I wouldn’t know. I’m loyal to the original.” — Christine Baskets.

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