It’s a short schedule this week because we’re sort of in the transition between two different periods of new programming. Also, there are some sports finals. It’s fine. Catch up on some stuff.
So, this is my birthday week. By which I mean it’s the week that includes my birthday. I don’t celebrate for a week. Or for the day, generally. But the other day I saw a picture of Jon Hamm and he had gray in his beard. And he looked great, don’t get me wrong. But seeing that picture just reminded me that I, personally, will die one day. And for years I’ve been doing a joke about how I make all my financial and health decisions based on the idea that I won’t make it to forty-five and well, I’m turning forty-four. There’s a lot going on in my head right now and I need your support.
Here’s what to watch on TV this week!
It’s my birthday! Send me presents or perhaps your good wishes. Go to my Twitter profile to see that animation of balloons and also be like “Gheorghe Muresan follows this guy?”
9-10:15 Chernobyl – SERIES FINALE! I’ve really enjoyed this show, but I only now learned that the showrunner is that guy who was Ted Cruz’s college roommate and occasionally just delivers devastating insults that are also factual.
8-10 MasterChef Junior – SEASON FINALE! The best of the kids make a three course meal and all of the kids who made the finals are super charming and I’ll get all weepy because to of them have to use.
10:30-11 The Last O.G. – SEASON FINALE! The crew enters a food truck competition which I think has also been a plot on Bob’s Burgers. Maybe Randy had a food truck? There are a lot of episodes of things rattling around in my head.
8-9 The Amazing Race – No information available! But holy smokes, did last week remind me why Big Brother Rachel makes me so mad. They lied to another team and then she cried when the other team didn’t believe her lie. And not like as part of the scam. In an interview segment! She forgot that she made a thing up and just got mad that people thought she was lying even though she was lying!
8-10 American Ninja Warrior – We’re heading to Atlanta for the city qualifiers! One new contestant is a former New England Patriot and I only have about three football opinions and one of them is that I hate the Patriots. But I might just hate Tom Brady and his stupid red hat and his cheating and then I carry that over to everybody else.
8-9 MasterChef – It’s more auditions plus a Battle Round! I love this show, but it’s making me crazy that the judges keep talking about how Season 10 is going to be so much different and it’s actually not different other than them telling us it’s different.
10-10:30 Archer: 1999 – The crew tries to entertain Bort while Barry-6 tries to break Archer. Man, the premiere was awesome, right? Also, “Bort” is a Simpsons reference, right? It has to be!
Black Mirror – Three new episodes hit today! I know that’s not much, but they did Bandersnatch and that ate up a lot of the budget. Plus, the BBC seasons were three episodes and they had much bigger gaps in between. It sort of feels like I’m on staff at Black Mirror and I’m very defensive a complaint that nobody has made.
The Handmaid’s Tale – SEASON PREMIERE! Man, of all the possible dystopian futures we could catch up to, who knew this was the one that would take the lead?
Boy, there is nothing on today unless you want to watch hockey. Usually Thursday is chock full of goodness, but this is a weird week.
8-9 BattleBots – SEASON PREMIERE! I think my enjoyment of this robot battle show was originally ironic but now I’m genuinely into it and have strong opinions about the various competitors.
8-11 The Tony Awards – I may be one year older, but I’m still not old enough to want to watch the Tonys! James Corden hosts, and I like him, but I’ve heard some stuff. Also, I saw that bit where Jimmy Kimmel challenges him to name three crew members who are in the room at that moment and Corden tries to make it a joke but also he can’t name a single one.
8-9:20 Luther – I forgot to list the premiere last week and I feel very bad about that. That ball has been dropped.
9-10 Fear the Walking Dead – Morgan and Alicia meet a survivor and I don’t know if they mean the character from the other show who we already know is coming over because the season premiere hasn’t aired as I write this.
9-10 Big Little Lies – SEASON PREMIERE! The hit miniseries returns so I guess now it’s not a miniseries and they have to give all those Emmys back. I didn’t watch the first season, but those ads they were running before Game of Thrones have me kind of intrigued.
“I just keep discovering bold new frontiers of suck.” — Nick Sax
“And until we meet again, boys and girls, know that wherever evil lurks, in all its myriad forms, I’ll be there with the hammers of justice to fight for decency and defend the innocent. Good night.” — Batman