It’s another quiet week and I feel like this summer isn’t really blowing up, TV-wise, the way it has in the past. But we get GLOW in August, and that’s something we can all eagerly anticipate. I also have a very hectic week ahead of me and I’m too stressed to write a good intro.
Here’s what to watch on TV this week!
8-10 American Ninja Warrior – Hey, we’re moving on to the City Finals, starting in LA. It would be cool if I could watch it, but my provider is still beefing with the owner of my local NBC affiliate and I’m the one getting punished. I mean, I can definitely watch it on Hulu a day later, but it’s not the same.
10-11:15 – Legion – “Time is preyed upon”. Hey, since we’re not going to get clear listings, let me tell you my idea that is never going to happen. I think they use the finale of Legion to end the Fox X-Men universe. David’s getting more unstable, and now they’ve brought Professor X into the show. As he ends reality, Professor X accesses one of the other universes in David’s head and manages to bring a few people through. They’ll be different in this new reality and they won’t remember the old one, but they’ll survive. And then the movies never need to acknowledge it, but we’ll know.
10-10:30 Drunk History – Ooh, it’s an episode about whistleblowers. Including the woman who leaked the Watergate scandal to the press and the most important whistleblowers of all, the referees. Hi. I’m EJ, and I regret typing that.
10:30-11 The Detour – No information available! You know, I enjoy this show but it just landed last week how much I like Natalie Zea. She’s an excellent actress and she was so great on Justified and she’s really funny here and she should be more famous than she is. Spread the word!
Frankenstein’s Monster’s Monster, Frankenstein – David Harbour stars in this mocking documentary, a “mockumentary” if you will, about his father’s stage play. This looks weird and delightful.
8-9 MasterChef – The chefs split into teams to cater a wedding. Aw, they’re going to ruin a special day! Also, Noah is really irritating, right? It’s not just me?
9-10 Big Brother – The new schedule has kicked in so tonight is the Veto episode. So, um, the idea of Camp Comeback was really good, but because of the way the season is shaking out and some players maybe being kind of racist, it really turned into a way to make, well, people who aren’t white wear demeaning outfits and sleep in a less comfortable bedroom. That’s… not great.
10-10:30 Archer: 1999 – A voyage home gets interrupted by an alien battle cruiser. If you went into a coma during the first season of Archer and then saw an episode of the current season, I think it would be incredibly disorienting. But then somebody would tell you that the President is a failed meat salesman and also Nazis are back, and Archer would be the least of your concerns.
8-9 MasterChef – The losing team from last night has an hour to present their best beef dish to the judges. Just make a cheeseburger. Nobody’s going to be disappointed with a cheeseburger. After everybody else presents their beef shavings in a balsamic reduction just be like “here’s a cheeseburger” and they’ll be so happy.
8-9 Holey Moley – This show remains a delight and I am only a little embarrassed to admit it.
9-10 Big Brother – Live Eviction! Actually I think somebody gets sent to Camp Comeback and then in the next few episodes they’ll compete to rejoin the game. That’s my guess but this show doesn’t care what I think.
10-10:30 Baskets – “Flammable carpets become a headache”. I think I’ve finally sussed out how the listings work – they reference a small point that’s part of the emotional climax of the episode. Also, this show is excellent and it makes me crazy that nobody I know is watching it. Get better!
8-10 Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. – The team must trust each other to avoid impending doom. They’re not even pretending this show is in movie continuity anymore, are they?
8-10 BattleBots – No information available! I feel like this has been a bad year for drum spinners and flipper robots and those are my favorite kinds. Those would be the handmade signs I’d be holding up!
Queer Eye – A new season of reasons for viewers to weep!
8-9 Big Brother – Nominations probably! And Sam and Tommy will both remain incapable of speaking a sentence without yelling. They are loud, loud men.
9-10 Fear the Walking Dead – No information available! So I’ll just say that I thought the beer bottle hot air balloon was funny and dumb in a way that this franchise tries so hard to avoid. I think this show is both sillier and more thoughtful than the mothership but also they’re saying Lauren Cohan might be coming back to the main series and now I’ll have to watch it again. Why can’t they let me rest?
“I’ve totally relatively cleaned up my act.” – Sterling Archer
“For those of you watching at home, we have a great drinking game tonight. Take a shot every time I say ‘ornamental iron’. That’s the last time I’m gonna say it, by the way. Gotta keep you kids safe!” — Scott Aukerman