It’s another light week and I need to face the fact that there’s a non-zero change I’m going to watch Love Island. I’m a monster and I have to live with that.
Here’s what to watch on TV this week!
8-10 American Ninja Warrior – It’s the final city qualifier, coming to us from Cincinnati. You know what else came to us from Cincinnati? A guy named John.
10-11 Legion – The listing really just says “A family history”, but given that David’s dad is Professor X, that would be a pretty big episode. I have a lot of thoughts on this show but it’s too hard to recap so I’ll probably write something halfway through the season and again at the end.
8-9:30 Love Island – SERIES PREMIERE! It’s the American version of an international hit that does not seem significantly different from Temptation Island, Paradise Hotel, or Bachelor Pad. Or the Onion’s Sex House, frankly.
10-11 Bring the Funny – SERIES PREMIERE! I guess they’ve retired the Last Comic Standing brand in favor of this comedy competition. It looks like the focus is on performances rather than on Roseanne telling people they’re not funny because she’s twenty years out of date, so that’ll be fun.
10-10:30 Drunk History – Tonight’s episode focuses on “Good Samaritans”. My DVR cut off the end last week, so I have no idea who’s involved in this week’s episode. Could it be….. you?
10:30-11 The Detour – You know what? All these years after Arrested Development did it, I still love when a show has somebody literally jump a shark as a joke. But man, this show did it as a precursor to an “evil twin” plot, which is amazing. It made me like that idea better because they’re aware of exactly how it comes off.
9-10 Big Brother – Veto night! Have I mentioned that keeping the eliminated contestants in the house is the best thing this show has done in years? Have I also mentioned that Jack is a racist? Yeah, I’ll say it. It’s funny that he looks like Aquaman and all, but man, those live feeds are bad.
8-9 MasterChef – The chefs are splitting into teams to make Italian food. How often will Judge Joe mention that he’s Italian? I just checked, and the Vegas bookmakers but the over-under at one million.
10-10:30 Archer:1999 – A road trip turns into an existential nightmare. And probably they fight aliens. I love the sci-fi versions we’re seeing of the guest characters this season. I really hope we get to see 1999 versions of Conway Stern and Katya. Or the cops from the Archer P.I. season.
8-9 Holey Moley – Comedy mini golf! I love that hole where you can have either Steph Curry or a golf robot take a shot for you. I also love that golf robots exist.
9-10 Big Brother – Live eviction! But not really eviction because they’ll stay there. Looking you in the eye as they work out exactly who wanted them out and, brother, they’ve got nothing to lose.
8-9 MasterChef – Ooh, the tag team challenge! My jangled nerves will enjoy people screaming over one another for the bulk of the episode!
10-10:30 Baskets – Dale orders a cheeseburger at a Chinese restaurant. As always, this will be a minor plot point, but it sounds like we’re getting a Dale-focused episode. We haven’t seen much of him yet this season and it looks like things are not going well.
8-9 Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. – The team has a planet to save! Also, and no spoilees, but doesn’t it feel like Far from Home was teeing up a Tahiti reference and then they bailed at the last second?
8-10 BattleBots – Can I tell you about the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time? I don’t remember which episode it was, but they were showing the fans with their handmade signs in the audience, and this show is kind of known for half-assed signs already. But they showed somebody holding up a sign that just said “ROBOTS” and I thought I would die at that moment.
8-9 Big Brother – A new week begins! Probably we’ll have nominations tonight but as I write this, it’s four episodes in the future and scientists can’t tell us exactly what’s going to happen.
9-10:05 Fear the Walking Dead – No information available! They’re so secretive! I’m not wild about the way this season seems to be servicing those Rick Grimes movies that are never going to happen, but I’m still on board.
“Apparently, this is the reward I get for years of screwing with super science. In short, I pissed in God’s eye and He blinked.” – Dr. Thaddeus Venture
“I’m a lawyer! I passed the bar! Ask me anything! Not contract law, OK?” — Jimmy McGill