This schedule took me a very long time to write, for some reason. Is it possible that I’ve burned out and my best schedule days are behind me. So just know that most weeks, I can pound these things out in like forty minutes and this one was like passing a kidney stone.
Here’s what to watch on TV this week!
10:30-11 Jon Glaser Loves Gear – SEASON FINALE! Jon pitches the network a skydiving season finale, which is all well and good except he’s afraid of skydiving. I mean, the only real solution to this problem is Gear, right? Just as long as we don’t have another 18-month gap between seasons. I have so little to look forward to!
8-10 MasterChef Junior – Hey! The most wholesome of the Gordon Ramsay shows returns for tiny children who are freakishly good at cooking. This will be heartwarming and you’ll probably also cry at least once.
9-10 This Is Us – The Pearsons wait for an answer about Kate’s pregnancy. They’re specifically wondering how ladies get pregnant because they’ve gotten some contradictory information and they need the doctor to sort things out.
10-11 Videos After Dark – SERIES PREMIERE! OK, sit down for this. This is an “adult” spinoff of America’s Funniest Home Videos. So like the one redeeming thing about that show, that you could watch it with family, is gone. And does that mean these things are all going to be like, people falling over during sex or something? Regardless, this thoroughly unappealing enterprise is hosted by…. Bob Saget.
10-10:30 – At Home with Amy Sedaris – No information available! And any information I could give you would just be baffling.
10-11 Corporate – SEASON FINALE! The company devotes their attention to end of the world preparedness, so Matt quits and Jake takes on a special project. Seen every episode and I couldn’t tell you which is Matt and which is Jake. People on this show need nametags.
10:30-11 Miracle Workers – Rosie meets with a competitor and I think about how much the many ministers in my family would hate this show.
Terrace House: Opening New Doors – This batch of episodes closes out the current incarnation of Terrace House, but they’re returning to Tokyo next year. This show soothes me like nothing else.
8-9 Survivor – The castaways drop their buffs and switch things up, which is how I would describe the plot of my Survivor-themed porno.
8-8:30 The Goldbergs – Beverly and Adam make a cooking show for the public access station. I’m trying to think of who the famous chefs would have been in the Eighties, and I can only remember Justin Wilson, the Cajun Cook. Wondermous!
8:30-9 Schooled – Lainey tries to pull a Romy and Michelle for her high school reunion. I feel like she didn’t see the end of that movie.
9-9:30 Modern Family – The men go hiking and he women plan a baby shower. Justl ike in real life!
9:30-10 Single Parents – This show that I like crosses over with The Bachelor, the worst of all shows. This is going to be rough.
10-11 Whiskey Cavalier – Will and Frankie head to Rome to prevent a terrorist attack and they continue being adorable together. I’m really enjoying this.
10-10:30 I’m Sorry – Andrea offers to host the memorial service for her great uncle. I typed “memorial system” just now, which is pretty much how this surprisingly grueling schedule writing session has gone.
10-11 Deadly Class – The kids find out Chester has taken over Brian Posehn’s house and make plans to raid it.
11-11:30 Documentary Now! – This week’s documentary parody is about trying to find Far Side creator Gary Larson, and I desperately hope that Larson shows up to play himself.
Hey, no Gotham tonight because a music conglomerate has their own awards show. Cool. Radio, may I introduce you to my friend, podcasts? And my other friend, the many ways you can choose what you want to listen to?
8:30-9 A.P. Bio – Jack tries to steal a Virgin Mary statue because that’s just kind of who he is now.
9-9:30 Brooklyn Nine-Nine – A visitor from Latvia causes issues for Charles, while Holt brings in a famous forensic scientist to help Rosa. She famously responds well to that short of thing!
8-9:30 Project Runway – SEASON PREMIERE! Back on Bravo! BUT! Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn have both left the show. More like Project Run Away, am I bright?
9:30-11 Top Chef – SEASON FINALE! It’s the wrap up to an entertaining season, and I don’t have anything funny to say about it. Whoops!
10-10:30 Better Things – “Sam sees old friends and cooks for everyone”. Uh oh, that listing got dangerously close to revealing plot points!
10:30-11 The Other Two – Chase celebrates his 14th birthday at a wildly inappropriate club and Molly Shannon takes molly. I wasn’t trying to make a name joke there, I just thought people might not know she plays Pat. I’m trying here, folks.
9-10 Crazy Ex-Girlfriend – Rebecca tries out for local community theater. I maybe haven’t mentioned this before, but I hate community theater because I’m terrified of the possibility of making eye contact with a performer. It makes me feel worse than almost anything in my life.
Arrested Development – Probably the final batch of episodes hits today! Will they resolve the mystery set up in 2013? Will Portia de Rossi shoot any scenes from the same set as the rest of the cast? I have no way of knowing!
8-8:30 The Simpsons – Bart begins to excel at video game competitions and Homer takes an interest in coaching him. I think this will have a lot of Fortnite jokes that I won’t get because I’m old On the other hand, if they make jokes about Player Unknown’s Battlegrounds, I will totally get them. So maybe I’m not that old after all.
8:30-9 Bob’s Burgers – Gene convinces Tina and Louise to help him solve a plankton blob from the Yacht Club. The Yacht Club has to just be Mr. Fischoeder and his brother, right?
10-11 Good Girls – Tensions intervene and Kenny gets in trouble at school. This will be more exciting than that makes it sound.
9-10:10 The Walking Dead – The Alexandria rehashes some old wounds. This will not be more exciting than that makes it sound.
9-10 The Case Against Adnan Syed – I’m writing this before it premieres, so I don’t have anything to say. Check in with me next week, though!
“I’m a triple threat! I sing, I dance, and I found a gun!” — Titus Andromedon
“Never ignore coincidence. Unless you’re busy. In which case, always ignore coincidence.” — The Doctor