A lot of season finales this week. Pretty much everything wraps it up this week, and we’re at least a couple of weeks away from any new summer programming. So either we’re getting some short schedules or I’ll just reminisce about old video games. That’s something everybody is interested in hearing about, right?
You guys, Mad Mad: Fury Road is so good. You have no idea.
Here’s what to watch on TV this week!
8-9 DANCING WITH THE STARS – The final three couples compete for the last performance show of the season. Except for any lingering performances tomorrow. Look, it’s a light week and I’ve got a bad case of schedule senioritis. Who wants to join me for Ditch Day?
8-10 THE VOICE – Part one of the live finale! Get those voting thumbs ready, America!
COMMUNITY – Guys? Paintball! This time, there’s a secret game of paintball happening on campus and Frankie intends to expel the participants. Ooh, another genre for paintball. I’m so excited!
8-10 HELL’S KITCHEN – Two hours tonight! And it’s not even the finale! We’re moving into that part of the year when FOX just decides to see how many nights of programming Gordon Ramsay can fill.
9-11 DANCING WITH THE STARS – Season Finale! A winner of Season Twenty is announced! Favorite pairings from the past reunite! Patti LaBelle sings! Let’s be honest, they’re going to have to stretch to fill two hours. But that’s part of the fun! And it’s the best part about recapping because I can cover ten minutes by just saying “more filler”.
10:30-11 INSIDE AMY SCHUMER – Amy competes in a pageant and breastfeeds a dog. No, Amy! That’s how Dana Carvey opened his show and to this day people blame that for its swift cancellation. Maybe society has evolved since then, but I don’t recommend staking your career on it.
8-11 SURVIVOR – Season Finale! Two hours of competition, results, and then the reunion show. That is a long night of TV to throw everybody in the middle of the week, but I’m on board – it was a good season. I’m already dreading next season’s “fan favorite” cast, but we’ll worry about that when it happens.
8-10 MASTERCHEF – Season Premiere! Another night of Ramsay! Plus, the introduction of a new judge, the awkward audition round, and plenty more fun. I love this show.
8-9 500 QUESTIONS – Series Premiere! It’s a quiz show that boasts 500 questions and airs over seven nights. Also, the host is “Richard Quest”, which is a pretty awesome name.
9-9:30 MODERN FAMILY – Season Finale! Phil tries to attend Alex’s graduation via Skype and Mitch gets laid off. I’ve already accepted that I have to miss it because I have a DVR pileup. Leave me be.
9:30-10 BLACKISH – Season Finale! Pops has a story about his great-great-grandfather. I love that they’re just ending the season with Laurence Fishburne spinning a yarn.
10-11 CELEBRITY WIFE SWAP – Season Premiere! This isn’t a show I usually list, but I think it’s fascinating that the participants this week are Jackee and Traci Lords. You know, Traci Lords the famously underage adult movie star? That’s an… interesting choice.
11:35-12:35 am LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN – Series Finale! It’s Dave’s final episode and the end of an era. Yeah, Colbert is going to be great when he takes over in a few months, but Letterman created a certain kind of comedy and everybody who’s hosting a show now owes him a debt.
8-11 RED NOSE DAY – So, this is the thing they always mention on the British version of The Office, and now it’s come to America. It’s something about entertainers raising money for poor children. I’m sure it’s lovely but I know almost nothing about it aside from publicity photos of famous people wearing clown noses.
9-10 WAYWARD PINES – The second episode of the miniseries I haven’t watched yet. Trust me, I’ll have plenty of time this week.
10-10:30 THE COMEDIANS – Josh takes Billy out for his birthday. Awkward conversations ensue!
10:30-11 LOUIE – Louie goes on the road for the first of a two-parter that will take us to the season finale. I’m happy to see him getting out – he hasn’t really broken away from the regular supporting cast for a while. That said, I kind of want him to travel with Jon Glaser, because that would be a hoot.
11-11:30 COMEDY BANG! BANG! – Thomas Middleditch guests! And so is Lauren Lapkus as shaman Harmony Moongloss. That’s a winning combination by any measure. And it’s t-minus one week until Karen Gillan!
12-12:15 am CHILDRENS HOSPITAL – Sy’s new girlfriend makes significant changes and the doctors react with hostility. In all fairness, “hostility” is usually their first reaction to anything.
9-10 ORPHAN BLACK – Paul learns the truth about Coady’s plans for Castor and has to make a dangerous play. How are none of the people mentioned in that listing played by Tatiana Maslany?
9-10 GAME OF THRONES – Jon prepares for conflict, Brienne waits for a sign, Jaime reconnects with family, and I am kind of shocked that they’re showing a new episode on Memorial Day weekend. I’ve been following HBO since 1999 or so, and they almost always take holiday weekends off. No Memorial Day in Westeros!
10-10:30 SILICON VALLEY – The Pied Piper team start to get job offers and Dinesh tries to woo a woman online. I really hope they use the word “woo” in the episode itself.
10:30-11 VEEP – The President is shaken by a dramatic incident and Jonah and Richard inadvertently reveal a secret. Why are we not all talking about the fact that Hugh Laurie is on this show. Like, that’s a big deal, right?
“Why would anyone do drugs when they can just mow a lawn?” — Hank Hill
“I’m being extremely clever up here and there’s no one to stand around looking impressed! What’s the point of having you all?” — The Doctor