I’m going to be honest with you/ I worked too many hours last week and I got sick because I’m old. As a result, this schedule was very hard to write. I write the introduction last for no good reason, and as I write this, I can’t even remember whether I included any jokes. I’m pretty excited about The Boys on Friday, but that’s the only big premiere this week. Oh! And Pennyworth but I can’t figure out how to watch Epix. I suspect it’s going to cost me money
Here’s what you’ll be watching this week!
8-10 American Ninja Warrior – It’s the Atlanta Finals! And I can’t watch because DirecTV is still beefing with the local NBC station. Let’s get that fixed, guys. I can’t watch the local CBS because it’s a Sinclair station and those are the right wing propaganda people.
10-11 Legion – “David wages war”. Let’s hope he’s not waging war on the good guys or, like, reality, but he definitely is.
10-10:30 Drunk History – Tonight’s episode goes behind enemy lines, including an Air Force regiment of lady Nazi fighters. Which is to say ladies who fight Nazis and not lady Nazis who fight.
10:30-11 The Detour – I’m a little worried this season is going to close out TBS’ slate of original comedy programming, and that’s a total bummer. Beyond that, I can’t tell if this season is the best or worst so far. It’s certainly not in the middle!
8-9 MasterChef – The contestants have to break down Alaskan king crabs and then in the immunity challenge, they have to “do something magical”. Special guest judge The Ancient One!
9-10 Big Brother – Veto competition! Boy, that Camp Comeback bit turned into a damp squib when the most boring contestant was the one who made it back in. It was a good idea, but certain houseguests kinda ruined it for reasons that are maybe clear to the people watching the live feeds.
10-10:30 Archer: 1999 – Archer believes a mysterious object is making the crew act strangely. And if you weren’t following the news, they announced that Archer is coming back for another season and it will be a return to the prime timeline. Woo!
8-9 MasterChef – It’s a mystery box challenge with a secret ingredient! Remember that Bravo show where they had a secret ingredient but they didn’t know what it would be until halfway through? I think that got cancelled, but I liked it. Not enough to remember the title, though.
8-9 Holey Moley – This show is the dumbest thing and I love it.
9-10 Big Brother – Live Eviction Night! Who’s going home? Will it be somebody I don’t like? It had better be!
10-10:30 Baskets – Martha’s dad falls off the roof. Oh, are we finally getting the Martha-centric episode we’ve all been waiting for? Also, a man Martha’s dad’s age shouldn’t be on the roof for any reason.
Hey, quick thing. The Veronica Mars revival on Hulu was supposed to premiere today, but they actually launched it a week early. So you should just watch that now.
8-9 Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. – The agents must face the ghosts of their past in order to move forward. There’s a chance those are actual ghosts, by the way.
8-10 BattleBots – It’s the Desperado Tournament! Eight robots with losing records fight it out for one chance to advance. We’re going to see some real desperate operators tonight.
Orange is the New Black – The final season debuts tonight!
The Boys – This series, based on a comic book, is about a Black Ops team who take out superheroes when they go too far. The comic was usually really good but sometimes bad and the same production team’s take on Preacher is a mixed bag so there’s a question mark here, but I’m still super excited. I can still feel enthusiasm!
8-9 Big Brother – Nomination night! I don’t have anything else to say because I’m sick and writing up the same show for the third time in a week takes more than I have.
9-10 Pennyworth – SERIES PREMIERE! This series comes from the producers of Gotham and, per them, is set in the Gotham universe, and it focuses on the 1960s adventures of a young SAS agent named Alfred Pennyworth. I’m very into this, but I do not know how to watch Epix. It does not appear to be available on my TV, and this is a problem.
“Come on! The universe isn’t gonna let anything bad happen to two best friends unless we’re in a fiery crash and our bodies are burned beyond recognition.” — Adrian Pimento
“I never realized you had so much neck. I mean that in a good way. Necks are neat.” — Ben Caffrey